


Wilted Flowers

by SullenLarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Current Abuse (not Larry), Fear, Harry Has Issues, Kissing, Louis Has An Eating Disorder, M/M, Nouis-friendship, Past Abuse, Slow Burn, They Have Sleeovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-07-08 19:46:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 58,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15937043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SullenLarry/pseuds/SullenLarry
Summary: The one where Louis tries to pick up the pieces after a past relationship leaves him damaged. Will he allow Harry to help him on his journey or is the scar tissue too thick?





	1. Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I first posted this on Wattpad last year but I really want to revamp it and relocate it. This story is pretty heavy but I'll try and add tags/trigger warnings. Thanks for giving this story a chance <3

He sat down on the fluffy pastel pink carpet and moved around until he felt somewhat comfortable. He shifted his weight off of his knees when they began to ache and decided to sit Indian style instead.

You see, he would always find a reason to feel angsty during this time. He knew he needed to finish his plate before his roommate came home or else, he'd have to listen to the lecture. It was one he had been hearing from his loved ones for years, almost a decade. He could recite it word for word and quite frankly, he was tired of hearing it.

He grabbed his grocery bag full of ingredients and laid them out in front of him. Dusting pieces of carpet off his lettuce head, he began to tear the leaves into tiny portions. He snapped his baby carrots in half, and then scattered a few cherry tomatoes on the side. He opened his Tupperware container and retrieved some cucumbers and placed them on top.

He admired his plate for a moment before realizing the pieces were not small enough. Then he repeats the process of tearing the lettuce and making the vegetables bite size. He unfolded his legs and put them in front of him, straight and apart with the plate between them.

He counted how many carrots he had used to make his salad and began to sweat when he realized it was an odd number.

"Lou, I'm home!" He heard his roommate yell. He listened for footsteps and sure enough, there was a knock at the door.

"I got some of that tofu you like! Remember the doctor said you needed more protein in your diet!"

When he didn't answer the door, his roommate invited himself in.

"Hey Lou..." His roommate sat down beside of him. "Why are you eating in here?"

Louis swallowed thickly. "I, uh, wanted to be alone....if that's okay."

"Of course it's okay. I see you're trying and I'm proud of you. Do you want me to cut you up some tofu?"

"No, no. I'll try that for dinner."

"Louis..." His roommate argued.

"Promise," he smiled at him.

"I trust you," his roommate patted him on the back. "Hey, um, the guys are coming over later to watch the game if that's alright."

"It's fine, Niall."

"You sure? We can go over to Shawn's if it's too much noise for you or whatever."

"No, no. It's fine. I'll probably just stay in my room and try and get some homework done though." Louis began to break apart more of his salad. When Niall noticed the pieces were becoming mushy, he scowled his head down pretending not to notice.

"Alright well I'll let you eat. I'll put up the groceries. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."

Louis looked down at his plate and began to rake off pieces he felt were too big. He began to pick out pieces he felt were not fresh enough, and he began to count the number of cucumbers and tomatoes he had portioned.

"Fuck!" He yelled.

Niall felt his shoulders tense. He directed his attention back to Louis room, trying to convince himself not to turn the doorknob and give Louis space.

"FUCK!" Louis screamed again.

Niall heard a crash, knowing what had happened. It's happened many times before.

He opened the door to find Louis sobbing in the floor, his knees hugging his chest and his head resting in the space between them; sobbing. The contents of his salad scattered all over the floor and broken shards of glass are mixed with the vegetables.

Niall instantly used the hose of the vacuum to get up what he could of the vegetables and glass before turning on the loud machine to finish the job. Louis did not move and continued to sob.

Once Niall completed his task, he hunched down and put Louis' head on his shoulder, embracing him tightly. They need not exchange words because this was the third time this has happened this week and it was only Tuesday.

"It's okay, Lou. I cleaned it up. We'll try and eat here in about an hour, okay?" He asked comforting his distraught friend. When Louis didn't reply, he sighed and released him. He turned on the television and sat his friend down in his oversized chair.

Niall went into his own bedroom and pulled out his phone.

"Hey Li," he smiled. "No, everything's fine. Just wanted to talk to you about Louis." He sighed. "Do you still talk to that guy who was struggling with you-know-what?" He waited for Liam's response. "Do you think he'd like to come over with the guys tonight?" He hoped. "You already invited him? Great! I'm desperate. Maybe Louis needs to talk to someone who will understand him. I'll see you tonight!"

He put his phone down and walked out his room to finish putting up the groceries. Though he was informed to remove the labels from the foods, he knew that Louis would just call the manufacturer or research it, so he didn't even bother.

He put the milk in the refrigerator and fought the urge to slam the door. He never imagined he'd be a college student with so much weight on his shoulder, but he knew he'd never desert Louis.

They decided to move in together sophomore year because they were tired of shower shoes, precooked meals, and tailgates. They wanted the autonomy to make their own decisions. At first, Niall was reluctant because he realized something was wrong with Louis when he watched him not only decline physically, but emotionally as well.

Yet he realized, if he moved without him, he'd never forgive himself. Friends don't leave friends just because one is struggling.

He walks back into Louis room and sees that he is still sitting in his chair watching television. He grabs the throw off his bed and drapes it over his shoulders.

"Hey, do you remember Harry from English Lit?" Niall asked making Smalltalk.

Louis nods, finally making eye contact with Niall. That's when Niall notices that even though Louis was sobbing earlier, no tears had fallen out because his eyes looked red, dry, and irritated. He hasn't been drinking enough, he thought.

"Well, he's coming over with the guys later and he could use a pick me up." Niall bit his lip, trying not to tell Louis how ill he looked. "Is that ok? You're amazing at helping people!"

"Yeah, I always liked Harry, well from what I know about him."

"Great! I'll make you some tofu salad unless you want some of our wings?" Niall chucked. Louis made a disgusted face and declined. "I figured as much. Hey, let's not throw the plates at the door anymore, okay? We're running out of them...."

"I'm sorry, Ni. I just wanted the food...."

"Away from you, I know. We've been over this. It's okay. I'm not mad, Lou. We'll buy paper plates!" he said as a lightbulb appeared above his head. "I'll let you watch tv but this weekend, we should get out of the house and hangout!"

"Sounds good," Louis absently replied. "Do I look okay? I mean..."

"Yes, you look fine. Is this about Harry?"

"No...." Louis blushed.

"Here..." Niall offered and ran his fingers through Louis' dry hair. "There you go! Perfect. Do you think I should invite Masie or nah?"

"Well she is your girl-friend, but I don't think she likes watching sports on tv..."Louis debated. "Maybe after everyone leaves."

"Good idea, Lou. See? You're the perfect person to talk to Harry. I'll leave you to it."

Niall walked into the kitchen, proud of himself for his brilliant idea. What could go

~*~*~*~

With his laptop sitting on the counter-top, Niall opened the fresh package of tofu and grimaced at the sight of the mushy square. _How can Louis eat this_ he thought as he watched a YouTube video on how to prepare tofu for a salad.

He scrunched his nose as he tipped the container over and heard a plop noise as it hit the cutting board. _Don't vomit, don't vomit_.

"Start with extra-firm tofu. Press it beneath a weighted plate to remove the excess water and then cut the tofu into cubes, slices, or sticks. Bake until puffed and golden, then pack what doesn't get eaten right away into containers for an easy meal add-in later in the week."

Mentally cursing at himself, he continued to prepare the tofu for his friend wondering why this had become his life.

_Ding dong_

He waited on the ringing to stop, hoping Louis would get up and get it but he realized this wouldn't happen when the ringing continued. He grabbed a nearby dish towel and wiped his hands before proceeding to go to the living room.

"Oh hey Harry!" He greeted politely taking some of the items in Harry's hands.

"Sorry I'm a bit early. I just needed to warm this casserole up before the game." Harry beamed back.

 _"_ It's quite alright mate. Please come in." Niall guides him toward the counter to put down his things.

Harry picked up the 12 pack of beer and put it in the freezer before walking over to the stove. "What are you making?" He asked removing his sunglasses and observed the mess.

"Tofu," Niall tried to say with a straight face.

Harry giggled under his breath. "You don't seem too fond of it if I'm honest."

"It's for Lou," Niall sighed continuing to cut the tofu into cubes.

Harry looked offended as if Niall was butchering the art in front of him. He rocked back and forth on his heel, trying to keep himself from intervening but when he saw Niall greasing the bottom of the pan with butter, he grabbed the utensils out of his hand.

 _"_ Ah!" Harry shirked. "How about you go get the party platter set up and I finish this?" He suggested (well more like authoritatively stated.)

Niall put his hands up in surrender but gladly walked away to the table between the couch and television and began setting out paper plates.

Not long after, Liam and his friends walked through the door without knocking or ringing the bell.

"Hey come on in!" Niall exclaimed. "Beer in the freezer, wings right here." He pointed. "Anything else set in the kitchen please."

The boys did as instructed.

"Yo! Glad you could make it!" Liam said walking over to Harry and observing his cooking. "More boho healthy shit?" He giggled. "Thought that was a phase."

Harry shook his head in amazement. "Yeah we'll see whose stomach is feeling bloated later which of us feel cleansed." He retorted.

Liam scooter closer to Harry and looked around to make sure nobody was in earshot. "I really appreciate you coming tonight. I know you remember Louis from English Lit..."

"I do," Harry smiled putting his thumb to the roof of his mouth.

Liam smiled at him and crinkled his eyes. "Well he has changed a little bit and I think he's feeling down. Needs someone to talk to. I doubt he'll come out of his room though, so you'll need to go to him."

Harry seasoned the tofu to taste and put it in the oven before setting the timer.

He took a seat between Zayn and Niall who were already 2 beers down.

"So Zayn how's the studio coming along?" Niall asked patting his back.

"Amazing. Sold enough pieces to pay rent and then some," Zayn pulled his phone out of pocket. "Someone wanted this black and white piece of the city with this pop of yellow sunflower for $750. Can you believe that?"

"I'm going to school for the wrong thing," Liam said wide eyed. "It is beautiful though. You're really talented." He complimented Zayn.

Zayn blushes and hid half his face in Niall's shoulder. "Thanks."

There was hardly any conversation to be heard once the game started. The boys swigged their beers, ate their wings, and knocked over the chip bowl a few times screaming at the television.

Well almost everyone.

Harry sat with his feet propped up on the table fidgeting with his hands or playing with his hair. He tried to not show his lack of enthusiasm on his face as he sat there and tried to act like a social butterfly. Inside, though, a whirlpool of anxiety consumed him.

It wasn't until he heard the timer go off that he found some release. Culinary arts and literature seemed to be his refuge from the monsters in his mind.

He put two bright orange oven mits on his hands and opened the oven to remove the tofu and the casserole he reheated.

He opened the fridge and analyzed the contents. Greek yogurt, blackberries, fresh ginger, cucumbers, mushrooms, and other fresh vegetables filled a drawer. Harry smiled his choices before pulling many of them out.

"Harry..." Niall came up behind him. "Louis likes his salad a particular way. It might be best to let him fix it."

 _"_ Nonsense. He'll love it!" Harry exclaimed as he pulled pieces of Romaine off the spine of the lettuce.

Niall inched closer to him. "He's kinda fussy with food."

"So am I..." Harry reassured him.

Niall put his hands up in surrender once again. "Alright, Lad...when you're here, the kitchen is all yours. Just know if a plate is headed your way, duck!" He said sarcastically.

Harry smiled at him as he began to separate the veggies. He carefully whisks together a homemade Greek goddess dressing and layered the salad to be pleasing on the eye before sprinkling some fresh basil on top. He poured some ice water and put the food on the table before knocking gently on Louis' door.


	2. Starting to Rain

Louis laid stretched out on his bed with his knees bent, laptop resting on top. His fingers made a clicking noise as he continued to write his essay about the Petrarchan sonnet. His bed was scattered with heavy literature; his heavy textbook, some old library books that were stained with time, and of course a collection of William Wordsworth's most praised poetry.

Though his assignment wasn't due for another week, Louis used the I have homework to do excuse in order to avoid socializing. When it takes more energy to say hello than it does to get out of bed, one would resort to such strong tactics. Though it can be argued that humans thrive on warmth and closeness, some would rather have failure to thrive because they cannot thrive anywhere: not in the company of people or in solitude. Some people never stood a fighting chance.

"Louis?" Harry softly called, gently knocking on the door. Louis looked up from his laptop, cocking an eyebrow when he didn't hear a familiar Irish accent but a baritone British one. 

Harry knocked again, a little firmer. He stood by the door with this fist curled up to his chin, thinking. He had met Louis before, even hung-out with him a few times, but never was able to get close to him due to Louis' sudden social retreat. 

"Um...sorry," Harry blurted out suddenly about to walk back into the kitchen. He felt stupid just standing there knocking on someone's door who was probably asleep or not wanting to be bothered. 

Suddenly, he felt a small poke on the back of his shoulder. 

He quickly turned around and lowered his head. "I didn't mean to bother you," Harry quickly stated. "I just prepared a salad for us to eat...and I didn't want to eat it alone." 

"It's fine," Louis managed to curl his lips into a smile; visibly trying to hide his vulnerability. 

Memories of trying to eat earlier flashed in his mind. He didn't want to become angry with guest over. He wanted to eat the salad that Harry graciously prepared for him. He wanted to sit down with the gang and excitedly yell at the television. He wanted to drink beer and just relax; be in the moment. 

Yet, that wasn't happening. Instead, he wondered if Harry thought he had gained a lot of weight since the last time he saw him or if his hair was out of place. He wondered if his outfit screamed 'fashionista' or 'fashiNOsta'. 

"Thank you, Harry. You didn't have to!" Louis squealed. Harry pulled out a chair and helped Louis sit down before using the salad tongs and serving him some of the dish. 

"Niall started cooking the tofu but he tried to use butter to keep it from sticking in the pan and I almost had a heart attack," Harry chuckled. "I get the feeling he's...how do I say this nicely...um...kitchen challenged?" 

Louis giggled back. "To say the least." 

He looked at the salad in front of him and counted the calorie content to himself. He immediately began to do his ritual; cut up the carrots into smaller pieces, separate the cucumbers, tear the lettuce, divide the tofu, making sure all the pieces were even numbers. 

Harry stabbed a piece of chickpea with his fork, chewing quietly as he admired what Louis was doing. 

"I haven't really talked to you after English Lit. I remember you and Niall meeting us at that retro diner on 5th but then you stopped coming with him. I always wondered if I smelled bad or something..." Harry laughed but he was being honest. 

Louis shook his head in disagreement. "No it wasn't you, it was me." Louis said as they burst out laughing. "I'm sorry that sounded like a bad breakup line. I just...I kinda became a recluse. Focusing on my studies and....my health," he discreetly stated. 

"Your health? Is there something wrong?" Harry asked concerned. "Oh! How are you and Clay by the way? I saw him the other day walking to Literature Since Renaissance." 

Louis winched at the mention of Clay. He was someone whom he had not spoken to since two semesters ago. "We broke up...." Louis looked at his plate and pushed his vegetables around. 

Harry gave him a sympathetic smile. "Oh, I'm sorry." 

"It's okay. I figured out he was bad news when I caught him on top of Kristen Sanders...." Louis trailed off. 

"Well, I think it's his loss." Harry scooted his chair closer to the table and continued to eat. 

Louis stared at him for a moment, trying to figure him out. Why was Harry suddenly being nice to him and why did he come over to watch the game when Louis remembered that Harry wasn't that much into sports? 

Groaning to himself at his lack of social skills, he tried to keep the conversation again. "So how about you; still living the bachelor life?" 

"Yeah, I guess. I just haven't met the right person who can handle me. Liam calls me eccentric. I like to call myself someone who can't be tamed. It'll take a special person to handle me. I mean look at me," he moved his hands in a motion to display his outfit. 

Louis subconsciously bit his lip as he admired the purple polka dotted shirt that was open at the chest, displaying Harry's hard pecs; his creamy off color tight skinny jeans, and brown boots. 

"I don't care what people think really," Harry shrugged. "I'm just me." 

Louis nodded, wishing he had that finesse. 

"You haven't touched your salad. Want me to make you something else? I should have asked what you liked. Oh God, I'm such a bad host." Harry got up and paced around the room, biting his nail. "I shouldn't have assumed you liked salad. Niall just said..." 

Louis slid his chair back and got up, placing his hand on Harry’s shoulders to stop the quick walking. "It's lovely. I just already ate is all. I'm sure it'll be a wonderful midnight snack though," Louis beamed. "I really appreciate you cooking. You should be enjoying the game with the others. I'm the host here," he snickered. 

Harry tucked a stray curl behind his ear. 

"Hey, do you want to go out with me sometime? I feel like I hardly know you." 

Before Louis could reply, they were greeted with company. 

"Commercial break!" Liam announced. "We're winning!" 

Niall observed the plates on the table. A worried expression plastered his face when he realizes that Louis didn't even sample his. He scooped some salad out of the bowl and began to eat some. 

"Lovely salad, Harry. Don't you think Lou?" He forced himself to put the tofu in his mouth and swallow. 

"Yeah, looks delicious," Louis retorted glaring at his friend. He walked toward him and grabbed his arm, whispering "Please stop interfering in my life." 

"Thanks," Harry smiled at the compliment. 

"Game's back on!" Zayn exclaimed as everyone rushed off, leaving the pair alone once again. 

"So, about that hangout...." 

Louis contemplated his words. "Um...can we go somewhere that doesn't involve clichés like dinner or a movie?" 

"Oh, please. You don't know me at all, do you Tomlinson?" Harry smirked as he walked to sit down in the living room. 

Smiling, Louis walked back to his room. Yet, that all changed when he sat back down and retrieved his laptop. 

He logged into his Facebook; surging through private photo albums, looking at pictures of him and Clay. 

It was a typical love story between them: high-school sweethearts who tried to beat the statistics and turn their romance into a long-lasting affair. However, once they arrived at university, Louis got his first taste of darkness in the world. 

Trying to will away his repressed memories, he found he could not as he was consumed right back into the dark time period in his life. 

He pinched at his love handles, squeezing them tightly, closing his eyes shut at the shooting pain in his skin. He punched his thighs, watching the fat ripple. He tore at strands of his hair before bending his right arm over his mouth and screaming into it so nobody could hear him; but nothing was providing comfort. 

He stormed out of his room slamming the door behind him, walking over to the salad and throwing the plate across the room. 

Niall allowed his head to bang across the couch as he tried to bite his tipsy tongue. The room filled with tension; everyone noticing the vibe. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Walking over to the small basket that sat on a decorative table beside the door, Louis looked around for his keys but realized they were not there which only fueled his anger.

"What the fuck...NIALL WHERE ARE MY KEYS?" He yelled as everyone looked at each-other except for Harry who was cleaning up the salad mess. 

"We always hide the keys on game nights, Louis! You know this!" Niall slurred his sentence. His glossy red eyes were fighting back tears. "Why did you break that dish? It was my grandmothers...an antique from Ireland!" 

Liam wrapped his arm around Niall's waist and Zayn did the same to Louis. 

"It's alright, man. He didn't mean to..." Liam garbled. 

"Yes, he did! He breaks them all the time!" Niall slung his body around like a fish out of water trying to remove himself from Liam's strong hold. 

Louis scoffed, embarrassed and defensiveness. He was tired of being treated like a child. Niall knew he wasn't going to drink so why would he hide his keys? 

"Give them here, Niall! I need to go out!" Louis demanded. 

Harry swept up the final shard and dumped it in the trash before making his way to the intense scene unfolding in the living room. 

"N—o can d—o, Lad," Niall said soft spoken; the alcohol rapidly changing his mood. 

Zayn clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth making a popping noise. "Aww, I love you guys! Group hug!" He slurred as he held his arms out but the only one to reciprocate was Liam. "This is so nice," he purred petting Liam's head causing Liam to giggle. 

Noticeably angry, Louis picked up the small basket and was about to throw it against the wall. He needed to hear the crash. He needed the immediate release from hearing the noise. 

Yet, he wasn't granted that wish when he saw long bony fingers wrap around the basket. 

"You know, I have a better idea." Harry placed the basket down in its place. "Let's go on a walk." 

Louis sighed heavy in his chest; not wanting to let Niall have this small victory but also feeling drawn to hang out with Harry. Reluctantly, he grabbed his hoodie from the back of a chair and exited the house. Harry waved sweetly at his friends. 

Power walking with his arms folded in his chest, Louis made his way down a small path that led to a meadow of flowers behind the apartment complex. He laid down on the grass and began to pick at the small blades. 

Harry followed suit but removed his boots, wanting to feel the texture between his toes. He ran his fingers through the meadow and saw a lonely purple pansy. Torn between letting it stay alive and picking it, he chose the latter and put it behind Louis' ear. 

If he were to be honest, he always had a fascination with the abnormally small framed boy laying on the grass. 

"You know, I wanted to get to know you so bad in English Lit, but you were always with Clay before and after class." Harry suddenly confessed. 

"I can't believe Niall!" Louis huffed, changing the subject instantly, his rage still on his face. 

Putting his knees up to his chest, Harry allowed his hands to hang between his legs in the air trying to find the words to comfort the boy who was obviously struggling with regulating his emotions. 

"Who gave him the right to be my Mother?" As soon as the question finished, he felt his lip quivering; tears releasing. "I think you need to leave." 

"I heard about her passing last year....I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine." Harry said laying down beside of him. He contemplated if he should wipe the tears but didn't know if that would be the best decision at the moment. 

"And he enters my room unannounced," Louis cried out. "Did you eat today, Lad? How are you feeling? Let's hangout! Are you still alive in there?" Louis mocked Niall's Irish accent. "God, Harry, I'm so sorry. I bet he put Liam up to inviting you." 

Harry nodded, listening empathetically as he could. “Sometimes, I think our friends see things in us that we cannot. They’re on the outside looking in, ya know?” 

Louis nodded, picking blades of grass to soothe his beating heart. “I guess.” 

“Come on, it’s starting to rain.” Harry insisted.


	3. Getting to Know You

Feeling a gentle breeze lightly move his curly strands, Harry observed Louis somewhat shake from the sudden drop of temperature. His smile turned downward as he realized the lack of fat and muscle on him. Without a second thought, he removed his jacket and wrapped it lazily around his shoulders.  


They approached the door and silently slipped out of their shoes. They giggled when they noticed that Zayn was stretched out on the couch snoring with his head in Liam's lap who was using the armrest as a pillow. Niall was nowhere to be found so they assumed he had retired to his bedroom.  


"Um....it's only a two bedroom so we don't really have a guest room. Do you want me to walk you back to the dorms?"  


"No, no." Harry walked into the kitchen and poured a glass of almond milk. "I'll just sleep in your floor if that's alright."  


Feeling insecure, Louis debated amongst himself what his response could be.  


"Um....okay..." he hesitantly agreed. "Only if you promise you won't judge me?"  


Gulping down his drink, he let out a pleased sigh and wiped away his milk moustache before retreating to the bathroom. Louis took the opportunity to gather blankets and pillows and make Harry a makeshift bed in the floor and see if there was anything he needed to hide in a millisecond.  


Before he could even unfold the blanket, he heard a knock on the door.  


"Are you decent?" Harry called out.  


"Yeah, come on in." Louis blushed. He's such a gentleman.  


After stacking the blankets on top of each other and fluffing the pillow, he jumped in his bed to let Harry have space to make himself comfortable.  


"You still have that flower in your hair," Harry observed and blushed. "The purple one I tucked behind your ear."  


Louis felt around until he was holding the flower, seeing it for the first time. "It's really pretty!" He squealed twirling the stem around.  


Harry contemplated on what to say next, but he ultimately decided on the first thing that popped into his head. "You deserve pretty things."  


He then shifted his weight a few times before finally propping his head up with the bend of his arm. He stared at the ceiling and put the day into retrospect. He watched as Louis appeared to be doing the same thing.  
"Have you ever wondered who came up with time?" Harry questioned interrupting the silence.  


"Hmm?"  


"Yeah like who was the one to dictate numbers and time. Oh, the sun is out, must be AM. It's dark, that's called PM. Who gave someone the right to put us on a schedule?" He pursed his lips out like a frog, an intensive thinking face.  


Suddenly, Louis burst out in a fit of giggles. He couldn't remember the last time he felt himself laughing. Though his stomach muscles were burning, he seemed to not be able to stop. Harry watched and grinned fondly at him, admiring the smile and thinking how good it looked on him.  


"Is something funny Mr. Tomlinson?" He tried to sound offended though his heart really felt full. "It's a serious question!" He teased.  


This only intensified Louis' laughter and Harry couldn't help but stand up and latch his hands onto his small waist and begin to tickle him.  


Louis tried to squirm out of his hold. Though he was still laughing, his mind raced with thoughts that Harry was grabbing ahold of his fat and judging him. He was having flashbacks of Clay holding him down, though he’d never share that.  


As if a 6th sense, Harry noticed the tension and quickly let go, mumbling a quiet sorry as he laid back down. He watched as Louis turned over and faced the wall. He felt himself be zapped of all energy, wishing there was more he could do for the hurting man.  


"Hey Lou?"  


"Yeah?"  


"Goodnight."  


"Night, Harry."  


\--------

A small beam of light was shining through the window on the pastel pink carpet. Harry traced the line as far as he could without moving his body, wondering what time it was and if it was appropriate to get up or not. He always found sleepovers a bit awkward if he was the first one to wake up in someone else's abode.  


He shifted his eyes around the room, trying to desperately to get to know the small boy who sleeping though not peacefully; tossing and turning, letting out quiet whimpers only to regulate his breath again.  


He noticed how dainty and tender the room appeared. Hues of pink, purple, and light blue seemed to be the theme palette. He saw books on a shelf, many authors that he himself admired: Poe, Frost, Tolkien, and Rowling. On a small corner rack, he noticed a collage of pictures, trinkets, and little notes. He noticed the 8 X 10 art hanging on his wall: a sunflower with vibrant petals with a little handwritten note at the bottom. 

_Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows. It's what the sunflowers do. – Helen Keller. You're not a victim. You're not a survivor. You thrive. I love you, Z._  


"A victim?" Harry thought out loud as he smiled at how sensitive Zayn was.

Just as Harry turned his gaze away from the painting, his ear moved toward a desperate whimper. He touched Louis' pale cheek to feel the temperature of the skin, which felt cold. For reasons he did not understand, he ran his fingers through his sweaty hair once before exiting the room.

"Good morning, Lad!" Niall greeted him, turning off the stove as the tea kettle began to whistle. "Hangover?"

Harry disagreed. "I didn't even drink."

"Oh yeah...." Niall remembered. "You're smart. I feel it this morning but hey! We won the game! Oh, by the way, I'm sorry about last night. It was a mixture between frustration and being inebriated. I hope you don't think I'm an ass."

"No, never. I understand emotions were high. Hey, can I ask you something?" Harry scooted close to Niall to make sure nobody would overhear the conversation "Nevermind," he protested as he walked toward the door and slipped his shoe on.

"Tylenol, please!" Zayn begged. "Not supposed to mix alcohol, they say. Mixing liquor makes you sick quicker, they say. Why don't I listen?" He groaned.

Harry chuckled. "Need a ride back to campus?"

"Please!" He said smoothing down his hair which contained static fly-aways.

"Is that...a hickey?" Niall pointed.

"What?" Zayn rushed over a decorative mirror hanging on the wall. "No, of course not!"

Looking at each-other suspiciously, Niall and Harry snickered, feeling as if they shared an inside secret. It only intensified when Liam walked in the room, oblivious to the conversation sporting a dark purple bruise above his collarbone.

"Did I miss something?" Liam asked scratching the back of his skull yawning.

"Apparently WE missed you and Zayn getting it on last night....on my couch nonetheless!" Niall playfully punched him the arm.

Not arguing, Liam felt his face flush. "Ok, ok. Guilty. I kinda like you...hope it wasn't just a one-time thing..." He gave Zayn his undivided attention.

Zayn blushed, motioning him to walk with him back to campus so they could talk in private. "Change of plans, Harry! I'll catch up with you later!"

Niall shook his head. "Well I guess there's that answer. I'll see you later, Lad. Thanks for coming over! I think Louis really enjoyed it. I haven't seen him out of his room much at all lately so I'm glad you could get him some fresh air. I'll see you around campus."

\----------

  
Making sure he was alone in the apartment; Louis checked every room before opening the refrigerator. He had class in 5 minutes he but decided he would not be going today. He did not have the energy it took to walk the 3 blocks, nor did he have the gumption to mentally pay attention.

Instead, he realized this was his life now: pulling out a small food scale from behind the granite kitchen island, measuring his portions, and writing them down in his food log.

Scattered across the counter was items used to make a lettuce and avocado wrap. The large leaves were going to be the base of the food. He removed the large seed from the avocado and began to turn it into a pasty like texture before adding lemon juice, shredded chicken, roma tomatoes, and onions.

He spread the mixture out on top of the leaves and wrapped it up like a burrito. He took his finished food over to the kitchen table and stared at.

He picked up the plate and brought it to his nose: smelling the lemon zest immediately. His mind was clouded now, not able to make coherent sentences. Words, adjectives, nouns coursing through his brain. Fat. Slimy. 

Disgusting. Protein. Don't. You're weak. You don't need that. The onions will give you indigestion. Can you handle this? There's a bullet with your name on it. Ana won' be happy with you. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Love Handles. He poked the wrap as if to see if were alive or sleeping. He pushed his plate away and brought it back toward him when he felt his stomach growl. Realizing he had not eaten yesterday due to throwing both of his salads away, he knew his body must have been starving but his mind was sending him praises.

Tearing off a piece of lettuce and avoiding the filling, he the leaf in his mouth and began to chew. He tried to not make a squeamish face at the bland face and focus on the negative calorie factor. He tore around the wrap until there was nothing left but the filling.

He began to sweat in profusion, trying to convince himself to eat. His physical state of being was leaving him exhausted, listless, and weary. His mouth felt dry, probably from lack of liquid. His nails were brittle and thin, not a pleasant sight to look at.

(iMessage)

Louis: Hey Niall, where is the lavender tea?

Niall: Um...I think we're out. Want me to pick some up on my way home?

Louis: Pls

Niall: Don't you have student teaching today?

Louis: Not now Ni

Sighing, he put his phone down and banged his head against the table, hoping the stomach pangs would pass soon. 

As his hunger grew, he surrendered and walked into his room collapsing on his bed, not even bending his knees; just free falling. He buried himself deep in the pillow, screaming at no one or nothing. 

He turned his head and laid properly on the pillow, spotting a purple flower on his nightstand. Smiling, he picked it up and twirled it by the stem; remembering his time with Harry yesterday. 

It must've been Harry, he assumed as he looked down and saw the mess of blankets and pillows on the floor. Letting his eyes close, he felt his mind drifting away. 

Hours later, Niall stumbled in intensely kissing Maisie. Her long blonde fell down her back, her loud heels clicking on the floor. She grabbed Niall by his black tie, pulling him toward her. He rested his thigh under the end of her little dress taking her to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. 

"Wait, isn't Louis home?" She asked pulling the kiss apart. 

"He's probably asleep, don't worry. Relax," Niall breathed in unbuttoning his shirt and black pants. "We did good today. We deserve to celebrate. Sold way over our quote of mobile phones, babe." 

Maisie giggled in his chest, agreeing with him as she felt soft kisses on her cheeks. 

As the couple continued to be intimate, Louis noticed his art and trinkets were shaking, causing him to become oriented once again. It wasn't until he heard loud moaning that he realized what was going on. 

Grumbling under his breath, he willed his aching body to put on the appropriate attire before walking to campus, hoping maybe some time at the gym would do himself some good. 

He looked around the equipment until he decided today would be time to ride the elliptical. One of his many physicians educated him on the safety of ellipticals saying that they did not cause excess pressure on the joints and would help decrease impact injuries since his bones may or may not have enough calcium. 

After twenty minutes of feeling like his thighs were on fire, he stopped the machine though he didn't want to. He gathered his bag and headed toward the vending machine, desperate for some water. 

"Louis?" A chilling voice pierced through his ears. 

He bent down to retrieve the water out of the small slot before turning around to be greeted by his teammate’s jerseys. 

"I've been so worried about you...." Clay moves forward, entrapping Louis against the vending machine. "I was wondering if we could talk in private," he whispered in his ear. 

He heard his teammates snicker, more than likely because he got benched and were happy that he wasn't a threat to them anymore. 

"I've got to go...." Louis tried to turn away, but Clay cupped his chin with his hands. "I've changed, Lou. I promise. You're all I think about. Please give me the chance to prove to you that I have. Meet me at the diner at 8 tonight. You won't regret it." 

Louis wasn't sure how he felt in the moment. In front of him is the one person he had thought about with everyday passing but all he could think about was how Niall and his friends told him he wasn't good for him. The only logical thing to do would be to find out on his own.


	4. Trauma Narrative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter mentions abuse! Reader discretion advised!

To say he was nervous was an understatement. After all, he only rehearsed the day he would have a second chance to prove his worth a million times over. It did not matter one bit that his friends would disagree with him and point out all of the past abuse that he chooses to ignore; for he knows that before all the abuse began, his high-school sweetheart was in there somewhere.

Besides, is it really abuse if he deserved it?

The man he longed to be with for all the days for better or for worse. Relationships are meant to be difficult, never perfect, and what is life without forgiveness? Maybe Clay was right when he called him fat, ugly, and worthless.

So, as he entered his apartment, throwing his messenger bag onto the decorative chair, he knew he had to look perfect. He walked over to his closet and browsed through his closet, as if he hadn't ever seen his own wardrobe. He tore pieces off the racks, not sure which outfit would look for the best. He only had one chance to convince Clay he was good enough.

Settling on a periwinkle sweater that was now too big for him due to his weight loss, he smiled. He ran his fingers over the cashmere fabric, feeling soft and exquisite. He styled his hair into a retro quaff and applied a bit of bronzer on his cheekbones because why not? The final step would be the shoes but that was easy: low top sneakers to pair perfectly with white distressed skinny jeans.

"Harry, what are you doing here?" He cocked an eyebrow at the man sitting on his kitchen table.

"You look lovely. That shade really brings out the shimmer in your eyes," he greeted him. "I just figured you'd like some company is all. I can leave if you want. I brought some oatmeal cookies..." He said opening the container.

Cinnamon and raisins filled the air, making Louis grin at the tall man. "Thank you. Since you're here, I need to vent but you have to promise you won't tell Niall...."

"Hmm....I'm really good with secrets so I cross my heart...." Harry retorted intrigued. His eyes focused on the sparkling cheekbones. "You look really nice."

Blushing, Louis continued. "You have to pinky promise!"

Instantly intertwining their pinkies, Harry nodded, sealing the promise.

"I have a date tonight!" Louis squealed.

Harry tried to contain his pout by biting on his lower lip. "I'm happy for you! What is he like?"

"Well here's the secret....it's Clay!" Louis exclaimed. "That's why you can't tell Niall; he'd lock me in my room or something and not let me go."

Harry opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, repeating the movement several times like a fish. "Oh...."

"No, it's not what you think. I saw him at the vending machines and my teammates were there too. He said he's changed, and I'd really like to see if that's true or not? I know, I know. He hit me a few times, but you find me a perfect person...."

"Well, I hope you're careful tonight. You don't deserve to be mistreated."

"Thank you," Louis beamed at him before putting his head down staring at his hands in his lip, embarrassed and modest. "Do you think he'll like me?"

"I think....well it doesn't matter what I think. He'll love you; I promise. Have fun tonight. Here's my number just in case you need someone. I won't tell Niall!" Harry scooted his chair back and stretched. "I had fun last night by the way. Maybe I can come over this weekend and we can eat apple crisp and watch a movie or something...." Fearing rejection, he felt his cheeks flush and he began to walk toward the door.

That is until he felt frail arms wrap around his torso and a small head pushing into his back. "I'd like that. Thanks for everything," Louis mumbled.

Turning around, Harry replicated the embrace. He lingered his arms around his tiny friend for a few moments. He wasn't sure what he was feeling in the moment, but he knew it was a feeling that wouldn't be easily topped. It felt warm, igniting a fire into his senses. It felt fragile, unattainable even, but it also felt like home.

“Hey Lou...um...I wanted to ask you something...I saw a painting in your room,” He said nervously, still holding Louis tightly. “And it said you were not a victim….”

“Oh….” Louis gulped. “People thought Clay mistreated me….” 

“You wanna talk about it?” Harry asked guiding them to the couch. “I mean, if you want to.” 

Louis contemplated for a minute before pulling out his phone. “I wrote this….journal entry I guess about it...if you want to read it,” He replied, his cheeks turning a crimson color. 

“Of course,” Harry offered, suddenly nervous and proud that Louis trusted him. 

_It was freshman year and I was ready to take on the world. With my leather-bound journal that my grandmother gave me, nothing would stop me from becoming an English professor and not just any professor, the one that everyone envied: perfect boyfriend, stylish, young, and carefree._

_My Mother insisted she buy me a new wardrobe because she said, "You'll always be by baby after all." That didn't really bother me. I'm such a mama's boy and have no trouble admitting that. Also, among my boxes was a little shower caddy and shoes, a desk lamp, and toiletries._

_Perhaps my most prized possession accompanying me was my high-school sweetheart, Clay. We've been together since our 10th grade year when he asked me for my number after one of my soccer games. I eagerly gave it to him, as I already had my eye on him. There was something about his 'I don't really give a damn, but I do care about you' attitude that sucked me right in and II never wanted to leave._

_He was a year older than me, so he was able to attend school earlier. When he first began going to university, he would text me every day, call me every night, and visit on the weekends whenever he could. Yet, as the semester continued, the calls would be few, far, and in-between._

_I tried to leave twice. I was crying on my best-friend Niall's shoulder, explaining what had happened and he confirmed what my instinct was screaming at me: "Maybe he found someone else, Lou." So, I sent a long text, explaining to him I felt like a burden and that he'd grown out of our love. He calls me three days later begging me to stay, that he'll prove to me that he still loves me. That afternoon, I hear a knock at the door, and I am greeted with a large bouquet of flowers and an oversized teddy bear._

_The second time I tried to leave, it was homecoming at the university and Niall, and I wanted to surprise him. We showed up at the game, but I was shocked to see him on the 'kiss cam' with some blonde woman. Dropping my popcorn, I stormed down the bleachers, crying again. He explained later that night I had nothing to worry about; that he was just showing off in front of the camera and I shouldn't leave him. He promised we could move in the dorm together once my college experience began._

_Clay and I had wonderful first semester: hanging out before and after class, pushing the twin beds together, sleeping softly beside each-other. I thought I found my forever because that's what he promised me. He was my biggest cheerleader at my games and valued my opinion. He showed me off on dates and made me feel special._

_Yet as fall merged into Spring, the "I don't give a damn attitude' began to resurface, except this time, I was the target most of the time. You're so annoying. Why didn't I leave you a long time ago?" "Have you gained weight recently?" "I wish you'd go make new friends and leave me alone."_

_Again, I am left with the thought that maybe I'm more of a burden than a companion. Internalizing his words, I begin to cut my portions drastically. It wasn't an easy task to do because coach had the team on a special diet, but I couldn't mentally manage all the calories he wanted us to consume. Clay would leave me._

_The weight began to fall off me. This was before I hit my first plateau. Yet, as I continued to spiral out of control, I experienced more than just weight loss: exhaustion, irritability, and a sense of apathy. I became obsessed with saving my relationship, no matter what the cost. I was willing to just wither away for it._

_No matter how much weight you lose, his words linger in the air. "Are you sure you can wear skinny jeans?" He says as you wiggle into your brand-new pair, but quickly throw them in the trash. "I can't even get hard around you anymore!" he complains in bed and all you can do is cry._

_As I lose control of my life, I receive perhaps the most incomprehensible news of my existence: the only person who ever promises to love you conditionally is on her death bed. Cancer begins to mutate my Mother's cells quickly. I never thought I'd be asking the God's above to take her away from her because I couldn't stand to see her in so much pain._

_I never felt more alone. Instead of trying to provide comfort, Clay finds my Mother's illness an inconvenience. He'd say hurtful comments such as "I know Your mom is dying but it wouldn't hurt to talk about something else" or "Would it kill you to smile every now and then? You're such a crybaby!" "Are you even man enough for me, Lou? You've always been so feminine!"_

_That was my life for about half a year until on a rainy Thursday, no sun to be seen, I received the phone call that I needed to come home and say my goodbyes. The last words she spoke to me was "Find someone who will love you almost as much as I have. You're a wildflower in a field of dandelions. I love you," and then she flew home._

_I cried, of course, I cried. I also was angry, confused, and lonely. Somehow through it, looking at her laying there peacefully, I smiled too. She finally was not experiencing that pain anymore. I felt a tad bit envious that I was stuck in the darkness while she was free. Go rest easy, Mom. You're with me every day._

_After the funeral and some days later, I open the door to my dorm and find Clay on top of that cute blonde from Chemistry; the one he told me not to worry about. The one he told me was not a threat. The one he said had a crooked smile. The one he swore that I was crazy, paranoid, and untrusting for thinking he'd be with such a whore._

_Goodbye was never easy for me. I was ashamed to admit that I stayed even after that. I stayed because it is hard to start over. I stayed because you questioned my self-worth, my sanity. I was in a fragile state of mind. I missed Mom so much, and the only constant I had in my life now was Clay._

_When I finally have the courage to come back in the room after she has left, he tells me "Go ahead and leave; nobody will even look your way!"_

_I quietly shut the door and sit down beside of him, a smirk on his face. We try and talk things through; he promises it was a one-time thing because I was unavailable for him anymore. I didn't understand because my entire life revolved around him, but I couldn't argue._

_Maybe I was unavailable. I had to make sure my Sister's affairs were in order, as they were too young to be dealing with this alone. I had soccer practice and games, my food obsession. But somewhere, I know...I know that I gave him my free time. I gave him all my time. Didn't I?_

_Nonetheless, he began to invite men and women over, not caring if I was there or not. He introduced me as his clingy roommate. The twin beds are now pushed apart. "I think he's obsessed with me or something," he whispers to one of his flings as they giggled at my hurt expression. "He just lost his Mom. I think he's a little cray cray," he'd tease._

_I stayed through it all, and when I finally reached my breaking point and try to leave for good, I felt tight hands wrap around my throat. Other times, I'd feel strong arms wrapping around my wrist and pinning me down into the cold tile floor with him straddling me spitting on my face. I stayed when I tried to quietly get out of the small twin bed of mine, but I felt like there was an elephant on my chest (and my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I realized, it was Clay.)_

_I stayed despite hearing him say how better off without me he would be. He said he'd keep me around because he was doing me a favor; after all, I lost my Mom and am too immature to take care of myself. Nobody would ever dare to touch me. Nobody would want me once I am kicked off the team for doing a shit job._

_When what few friends I had left notice my bruises, tired eyes, and declining health, they confronted me, but I lied. Clay was a sweetheart, a saint. "You're mistaken, he'd never hit me. These bruises are from the field. I'm sleepy because I'm grieving. I've lost weight because I miss Mom's cooking," Half is true. "I don't need you to speak to him. Please just let us be, Ni."_

_Now I am completely isolated because I was afraid of what my friends would do. So, I try to avoid them. How dare they say that Clay is a bad person. All of this is my fault, don't they see that?_

_When I finally do get benched for the season, that is when Niall intervenes. He makes me stay in his dorm, even though I am kicking and screaming, begging him not to pull me away from my love. He turns a deaf ear to my pleas and tells me he is no idiot. I do not have the energy to fight him. Besides, it's nice to be greeted like a person in the mornings and talk about my feelings, cry on someone's shoulder and feel warmth back with no strings attached._

_Clay waits for me after class one day. He began to show remorse. I saw it in his eyes; he even shed tears. "Where are you staying, Lou? I'm so sorry. I miss you. I'm so sorry. I'll never hit you ever again! You are so perfect to me. Please come back. I messed up but never again. I just didn't know how to deal with all of this."_

_So, I go back to him, back to our dorm. A place I've called home for a while now. A month or so goes by and I can see glimpses of the old him resurfacing: a patient, kind, and charming individual, the same one I fell in love with in high-school. He was assertive, making sure I'd eat my food. He'd give me his hoodie when I was cold, and he'd buy me flowers again. Surprisingly, he even went with me to meet some of my new classmates at a local diner every now and then, suddenly interested in my life._

_But goodbye is a common theme in my life._

_I was in the shower washing my hair because I had a long day at soccer practice. Coach says if I keep it up, I should be back to playing soon. That made me happy. I could almost keep up with my teammates again. It takes energy to be active and I hadn't eaten properly in who knows how long. I lost track of time but not calories..._

_As I massage my scalp with the tips of my fingertips, surrounded by calming fragrances, I feel someone pinning me against the wall, kissing my neck eagerly. I invite the kisses, parting my mouth and tilting my head back on their chest. I felt strong arms around my waist. I felt a trail of kisses down my spine and back to my ear. Just as I was getting lost in the moment, I feel my head throbbing and realize it had been smashed into the porcelain tile._

_"This is for leaving me, bastard. I saw the way you looked at Harry at that diner!" He yelled, and I can't utter a word; only concentrating on the ringing in my ear and the alcohol on his breath. That is invading my senses._

_It felt like hours when he finally let me out of the shower. My skin was pruned, and my body was stiff. Standing in front of the mirror attached to the small closet, I see abrasions on my face, neck, and forehead. My shoulders have small fingerprints and my back hurts from the close fists blows. It was still my fault. Maybe I did look at Harry with flirty eyes; he was a gorgeous man and maybe I did think of him from time to time. Maybe we did sit together in English Lit. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed at Niall's dorm for those two weeks I tried to leave him._

_I tried to isolate myself again until my wounds were less noticeable. I even bought makeup in hopes I could still go to soccer practice. It didn't stop Niall though; he had a strong intuition. Maybe it was a Virgo thing, I don't know._

_Without even asking me, he rented an apartment off campus and told me if I didn't live with him, he'd press charges against Clay, my love. He instructed me to change my phone and dared me to give him this address. He tells me if I need closure, I can write a letter and leave it in the dorm, but we must leave tonight._

_I felt utterly broken. Why was my best-friend trying to tear me away from one of the only people I had left in this world? I couldn't comprehend it but for some reason, I was pulled into going. What sounded like my Mother's voice encouraged me to go so I did._

_Dear Clay, These wounds will heal one day, but not today. It isn't my choice to leave and just know, you were my first love. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. Hope you can find your happiness and someone worthy of your love. You deserve it. Maybe you'll come to my matches still. You always believed in me._

_Love always, Lou. XX._

Harry put the phone down and cleared his throat; silence ripping through them.


	5. How It Went

Louis had never read his story after writing it and wasn't even entirely sure why he kept it saved on his phone, but hearing it made it real again. He could feel the ache in his heart for his Mother, and the throbbing pain in his head from having it continuously beat senseless against the shower tile.

Though he knew he was not with Clay, he felt uneasy and wondered what would happen if he talked to him again. Would he be different? Learn from his mistakes and realize he had let go a good thing? Or would he hit him again because he was hanging out with Harry?

Harry put the phone down and scooted closer to Louis, but he did not touch him. At this point, they were acquaintances and he wasn't even sure if Louis considered him a friend or not. He must though, right? He was sharing a very personal story with him.

"We knew." Harry suddenly says. "We knew you were being mistreated, Louis. We could see it….but I did not know you were being abused…”

"You did?" Louis sniffled and rolled over, propping his head up against his palm, elbow digging in the meadow.

Harry nods, not elaborating any further. "Yes, and I’m so sorry." He offers his hand for Louis to pull himself up. "How are you feeling?"

Louis licks his lips as he begins to talk back to his apartment. "Numb, to be honest with you."

“Are you sure you want to go out with him again?” Harry swayed back and forth nervously. “I mean, it might not be safe.”

“That was a long time ago. Everyone can change, right?” Louis bit his bottom lip. “Thanks again, Harry!” Louis hugged Harry’s waist.

Turning around, Harry replicated the embrace. He lingered his arms around his tiny friend for a few moments. He wasn't sure what he was feeling in the moment, but he knew it was a feeling that wouldn't be easily topped. It felt warm, igniting a fire into his senses. It felt fragile, unattainable even, but it also felt like home.

What is this? He asked himself. He's trying to get back together with his ex, the one who abused him and all I can think about is my selfish need to be around him.

Pulling away from the hug, he felt his arms empty. He didn't have the energy to say anymore so he walked toward the door, discreetly placing a small gift with a shiny lilac bow in the basket that rested on the decorative shelf.

Checking his reflection in the rear-view mirror, Louis licked his lips as he noticed they were white and dull. Even though he could guess it was from his lack of nutrition, he had no desire to change the results by eating. Instead, he reached in his cup holder and retrieved Chapstick, applying a thin layer before driving off to the diner.

With his hands shoved in his pockets, he opened the door that sounded small bells and saw Clay already waiting with two malt milkshakes. He shyly sat down at the booth

Clay watched him for a minute before speaking. "You've gotten more handsome. How is that even possible? I knew the first minute I saw you that you had to be mine and I took you for granted. I'm such a loser!"

Louis blushed. "I don't think so. I'm not that great."

"Are you kidding me, Lou? Before coach benched you, you were the best player we had. You were going to be captain; I could see it! I'm sorry that you got sick."

"It's okay," he reassured him.

"I'm also sorry I wasn't there for you when your mom passed away. I was selfish to say the least, but I've matured since then and if you give me the chance to prove It to you, I promise you won't regret it. We can have that forever we used to talk about. Doesn't that sound nice?"

Louis gazed deep into Clay's eyes, falling in love all over again. "It does sound so nice."

Clay reached over the table and cupped Louis' hands into his own. "I want to fix this....if you haven't moved on."

"No. You're all I seem to think about. The other day Niall had friends over watching the big game and I couldn't even socialize because I kept thinking about us..."

"Wait, Niall? Are you living with him?" Clay asked assertively. "Who else was there?"

"Zayn, Liam, Shawn..." Louis took a small sip of the milkshake, trying to calm his nerves. "And Harry," he said above a whisper.

"Harry? Louis, I told you a long time ago. None of these people are good for you. All they've tried to do is put distance between you and me and so far, they've succeeded. We can never be together if you don't stop listening to them."

"Yeah, you're right..." Louis said in surrender, frowning.

"Hey, why don't we get out of here and go back to my place for old time sake? I've been craving you," Clay squeezed his hand and Louis bit his lip, intrigued.

"Yeah, okay."

Leaving money on the table, Clay walked Louis to his car. The tension was visible. Being in the black Mustang uncovered memories of sitting in this very seat and being slapped across the face for dozing off, or Clay ripping his phone out of his hands because he got a notification from his Instagram. Or even the time Clay threatened to drive his car over a bridge, killing them both because if he couldn't have them, nobody can.

Then there were the good memories, too. Making out in the back seat of the car or listening to the radio and singing along; driving to their matches together and going over the plays. They were more good than bad, really, or is that the brain playing tricks on him?

Finding a parking spot outside the crowded dorm, Clay parked the car and turned off the ignition. As Louis stretched out his thin legs, he felt suddenly off balance; more than likely due to his lack of a sensible diet lately. He felt himself falling back into the seat but there was nothing he could do to stop the vertigo.

Noticing his distress, Clay reached out his hand and pulled him to his feet. "I think I have granola bars. You'll be okay." He said as they walked back to the dorm. "My roommate should be out for the evening. I would love it if we could spend the night together."

"We'll see how it goes," Louis replied quickly. "Maybe we should take things slow."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I've just missed you and I thought I'd never get the chance to make it right. I know I saw you at the games but we never actually....talked until now."

"I know..." Louis sighed. "I'm sorry."

Closing the door behind them, Clay motioned Louis to sit down on the bed; they were finally alone.

Memories have a way of provoking emotion in us. Just the slight flashback of a taste, smell, or even color can make the brain uncover suppressed reminiscences. As Louis walked into the familiar dorm room, he could feel a sting on his cheek and throbbing in his eye. He could taste the iron seeping into his mouth, brushing his fingertips over his lip to make sure blood wasn't seeping through a slit. He could feel his heart ache as he heard faint whispers call him useless, hideous, and unlovable.

A solitary tear threatened to trickle out of the corner of his eye, but he quickly concealed it; in fear of the reprimands.  
Noticing his distress, Clay approached him with caution. "We've had a lot of good times in here, huh? I miss them too," he reassured him.

Then why can't I remember them? "Yeah, Yeah. Of course," Louis forced a smile.

Clay tugged at the oversized sweater that was drowning Louis physique. Feeling vulnerable, Louis tried to turn his shoulder away from his grasp, but it only caused Clay to hold onto the fabric more abrasively.  
"Hey, hey. It's alright. Nobody is going to hurt you. Just wanted to know whose sweater you're wearing is all."

"It's mine," Louis scoffed.

"It just looks big on you Is all," Clay observed.

"Eh, the scale says I've lost weight recently, but it must be water weight or something. I don't see it. Harry made me some oatmeal cookies but I'm not sure if I can eat them or not. I'm on a diet." Louis began to ramble out of nervousness.

Clay dropped the sweater and took in a deep breath, trying desperately to hide his annoyance. "I'm just telling you this for your own good, for our own good. I'm not sure when you and Harry got so close, but we had this discussion when we were dating....he is not good for you, Louis. You need to stay away from him."

Louis lowered his head down, feeling defeated. After initially moving in with Niall, he had sessions via teletherapy with a counselor he saw once a week. One of the topics they discussed was his relationship with Clay and how jealousy was a sign of abuse. Louis could see that jealousy to an extreme, can be a sign of abuse but his Clay was not doing that; he just knew what was best for him because Louis was incapable and too emotionally immature to make his own rational decisions.

"I think he's a nice guy. We had a sleepover the other day and he camped out in my floor."

"A sleepover? What are you Louis, 5? Did you have a pillow fight and do each other’s nails?" Clay sneered. "One day you'll thank me when you find out that he just wants to get in your pants...and I'm kind of offended that he can know where you live but I can't. I've known you since high school. We've shared so many good memories together, Lou. Don't you miss it?"  
"Yeah...." Louis trailed off as he bit his thumb nail.

Clay cupped his hands between Louis' cheeks, making them stare deep into other irises. He analyzed Louis' for a moment, realizing the hesitation and fear within him. For reasons he did not know, he could feel his jeans becoming tighter; aroused by the weakness.

He tightened his grip on Louis' face, not giving him an option as he closed the gap between them, intertwining their lips.

As Louis stood there, he couldn't help but notice how much he did not want to be here anymore. He'd rather be at home getting lectured by Niall than be here. The spark that once was burning inside like a wildfire now dimmed to a candle that was at the end of its wick and hardly noticeable.

Clay moved his lips aggressively, trying to force his tongue into Louis' mouth but Louis just couldn't allow him to do that. He put his hands on top of Clay's, trying to push him back a little.

"I'm sorry, it's just too soon. I thought we were taking it slow...." Louis pouted.

"I just can't, Louis! I was your first, remember? We used to sneak around all the time: in the locker room, in my car, your car, anywhere we could get away with it. I would touch you in places you've never been touched before and I hope nobody has touched you since..." Clay breathed on his neck, moving his hand down to Louis' waistline.

Immobilized by terror and confusion, Louis welcomed the caress for a moment. It was conversant to him, but it did not feel the same in some aspects.

Clay shoved his fingers down the hem of Louis' jeans, tugging at them. Louis backed away. "Um, thanks for the milkshake. I'm tired. I'm just going to go home for the night."

As Louis trudged toward the door, Clay beat him to it, barricading him in. "Don't leave, Lou. Please don't leave. I know you feel this. We can work it out," he placed his hands on either side of Louis' hips. "It's okay." He pressed their lips together again, more urgently; seeking mutual attraction.

"I'm sorry......" Louis mumbled, breaking the contact. "I gotta go...."

"Then let me drive you back to the diner at least. You left your car there!" Clay exclaimed.

Hesitantly, Louis agreed. The emotional fatigue was really beginning to hit him, and truth be told, he was so hungry, he was sure he could pencil in some dinner. He hated when he got like this: the hunger winning. It wasn't often but sometimes his brain overrode his control and he had to eat. Maybe it was the stress, he wasn't sure.

"I hope tonight showed you I'm still the man you fell in love with," Clay said grabbing ahold of Louis' hand and kissed it gently.

Flushed, Louis looked out the window, unable to make coherent thoughts at the moments. As much history as he had with Clay, he wanted to feel something more, but it wasn't happening. Though he was hesitant to get close to Harry, even a simple gesture such as being tickled felt more fervent than this.

Will I see you again?" Clay broke the silence.

"I need time to think."

"So that's a no...well that's okay. I deserve it. I hope you forgive me someday," He divulged sweetly as he pulled into the parking lot.

Not responding, Louis gave him a smile and made his way back to his apartment.


	6. Pretty Things

Louis mortal enemy, the sun, made its appearance once again as he groaned in his bed. He had student teaching and though he wanted to miss, he knew it was risky. The risk was outweighing the benefits, and well, the only solution was to slip on a pair of decent jeans and head out of the door. 

Being so close to graduating and still maintaining his spot on the team was imperative, though he wasn’t sure why. Nothing mattered anymore. Everyday, waking up in a world where you’re dying to be alive doesn’t show much promise. Even more so, having everyone judge and say ‘it’ll be okay, just keep pushing through’ did not give one much comfort either.

“Hey!” Niall chirped, breaking Louis out of his internal monologue.

“Hey,” He weakly smiled.

“No offense, Lad, but I don’t think you can walk to school today. You look weak and clammy. Did you eat yesterday?” Niall asked resting his hand on Louis’ forehead.

Louis sighed, rolling his eyes. “Yes, Mommy, I did. I suppose you’re not going to let me burn calories and want me to ride with you, too. Not a question, but a demand?” 

“You’d be right, Tommo. Hop in!” Niall said as he reached over to his passenger seat and opened the door for Louis. “Where were you last night? Heard you come in super late!”

“Oh….” Louis swallowed. “Yeah, I was at the library studying for midterms.” He shifted his eyes down. He could tell Niall didn’t believe him, but to his delight, he dropped the subject. “So, Harry….” Niall cocked an eyebrow. 

“What about him?” Louis tried to conceal a smile.

“He asked if he could stay over tonight. Said he needed a break from Ed….” Niall glanced over at Louis who was shifting around uncomfortable in his seat. “What are your thoughts on this matter?” Louis gulped. “I mean….if he wants to….” 

Niall smiled widely as he turned his attention back to the road before pulling into an empty spot on campus. He glanced over at Louis who was resting his head weakly on his window. He tried to fight back tears by swallowing thickly. “Hey Lou, do you want to eat lunch with me and Maisie today?”

“Nah, I planned on going home early today,” Louis shrugged.

Niall bit the inside of his cheek, trying to not lecture him. He gave him a glance over, his eyes fixated on Louis’ waist. His vision had a sideways view, looking how his collarbones poked out of his hoodie; his wrist looked like they could break in half, so tiny they competed with a pubescent. 

“Maybe Harry will cook us something for dinner then?” Niall asked hopeful.

“Sounds lovely,” Louis grimaced. “Thanks for the ride, Ni. I love you!” 

. “Love you too!” Niall called as he opened his door and fished around for his books in his backseat. 

Exiting his car, he watched on as Louis walked to class. His backpack was dangling off his shoulder, engulfing his small frame. His jeans looked like they were about to fall off him. Maisie had told him time and time again that there was nothing he could do, but he knew he had to try. Louis was his family, and he’d be damn if he let him go so easily.

\----------

Louis had never remembered student teaching to be so draining. The act of standing in front of a classroom trying to teach English Literature used to be fun, but now, it was just exhausting. In fact, just the act of standing up at all almost became too much for him.

“I need to fucking nap!” Louis groaned as he toed off his shoes and trudged to his bedroom. 

He tried to avoid glancing at his body as he removed his shirt, jeans, and socks - tucking himself in his covers and falling fast asleep. 

Hours later when Harry showed up with a casserole, his mouth was producing soft snores as he remained in his deep slumber. 

“Lou?” Harry knocked softly on the already open door. 

He peeked his head in, smiling when he saw Louis asleep - his body hardly moving the covers at all as he breathed softly. “Oh sorry,” he whispered, though he knew Louis couldn’t hear him.

As he turned on his heel to exit the room, he had a sudden rush of curiosity wash over him - just like the last time he stayed. He wasn’t sure when he became such a snoop, but he felt he could never learn enough about Louis. Naturally, he began to dart his eyes around the room, walking over to objects that caught his eyes.

Sitting in a decorative chair was an oversized teddy bear, probably the same one Clay gave him as an apology present in his trauma narrative.

“I hate you!” He pointed at the bear. “Though you are quite cute.” 

Catching his gaze was a vase on a shelf above the chair with wilted flowers looking lifeless and stiff. He bit his bottom lip, wondering why Louis would hold onto these things: much less keep them on display. Sitting on a large dresser, he noticed essential oils: frankincense, bergamot, and chamomile. He picked up the tiny bottles and opened one, smiling at the citrus aroma indulging his nostrils. He picked up a scented candle, smiling fondly at the name Fresh Start Soy Lemon-Grass Lavender. He felt under his fingertips a small bend of texture, so he flipped the candle over.

_Here's to your fresh start Lou. I think you'll love living with Niall. – Li_

Draped over the large mirror was a king size snuggie, royal purple in color. Harry ran his fingers down the soft material and looked back at Louis, wondering how adorable he would look in such attire. Inside the pocket was a note sticking out. Allowing curiosity to overcome him, he unfolded the note that was not his, invading privacy.

_Tommo,_  
We've decided to get you gifts for your first night here at the apartment. I know it's hard and a part of you still wants to be with Clay, but please know there are people who care about you. We all want you to be okay. I know I couldn't forgive myself if I turned a blind eye.  
Whenever you're feeling down and alone, don't hesitate to knock on my door.  & if you don't even have the strength to get out of bed, wrap yourself in this snuggie and feel the warmth.  
Your Irish Clover, Ni. 

P.S. Maisie says she'll kill Clay, just give her permission.

“I wonder why they didn’t include me in on this,” he thought.

Wasn’t he a part of their circle? 

“Oh wait!” Harry remembered. “I was visiting with my Grandmother when all this went down.” He nodded. 

Just as Harry was folding the note and putting it back in the pocket, his ear moved toward a desperate whimper. Though he wasn't sure why, he picked up the snuggie and swathed it over Louis small frame, though he was nestled into a thick blanket already. He touched Louis' pale cheek to feel the temperature of the skin, which felt cold. For reasons he did not understand, he ran his index finger over Louis dry and cracked lips once before exiting the room.

“Lad!” Niall greeted him with a quick hug. “Thanks for the casserole.”

“You’re welcome! It’s very healthy. Please stress that to Louis.”

Niall put his elbows on the kitchen counter. “I don’t think he’ll care. I can’t seem to get him to eat, no matter how much I try. I’m at a loss.”

Harry nodded. “He has to do it when he’s ready. I wouldn’t push it too much.”

“I know. I’m just so worried about him. That is not my Louis in there…...it’s a broken replica,” Niall stated somberly. “I’m sorry for venting to you like this, I’m sure Maisie gets tired of hearing it, too.”

“Nonsense. It’s what friends are for. Tell Louis I stopped by!” Harry said as he walked toward the door.

“Wait. I thought you were staying the night?” Niall asked confused.

Harry smiled. “There’s something I need to do first!” 

Niall shrugged as he walked in the living room, putting his feet on the coffee table and turning on Netflix.

\-----------

Harry entered his dorm on a mission. Though he had long let his affliction go, he still had a reminder of it….though where was the problem. He opened every drawer and scooted everything out from under his bed with no luck.  
“Fuck! Where is it?!” He yelled just as his roommate entered.

“What are you looking for?” Ed asked putting down his guitar.

“.....My bracelet! I can’t find it!” Harry snarled. 

Ed shook his head, walking over to Harry’s basket of accessories and chucking the bracelet at his chest. “This ragged thing?”

“It’s not ragged, it’s precious!” Harry protested. “Don’t wait up for me tonight. I’m staying the night with Louis….” He smiled. 

“Oh, are you?” Ed cocked his eyebrow. “Horan won’t be there, huh?”

“No! He will! It’s not like that!” Harry playfully shoved him. 

Ed shook his head, dropping the teasing as Harry exited the dorm room.

\-----------------------

As he drove back to Louis’ house, he couldn’t help but wonder what was so special about Clay. I mean, Louis had admitted that Clay was abusive, though he had a hundred excuses for it. Still, he wanted to give him a second chance, even going on a date with him.

He hadn’t been in many relationships so experience he lacked. He did not get easily attached to people, that’s for sure. What was it about Louis that had him so interested? A smile swept his face as he thought of the blue shimmering eyes that always greeted him warmly, and the way his body used to sway across the soccer field; how he could recite poetry with an angelic voice…..okay, okay. There was so much to love about Louis, but what about Clay? The good qualities were few, far, and in between.

He pondered the question all the way inside the house as Niall let him back in. He walked toward Louis room, stopping to knock before letting himself in. Something told him that Louis would still be asleep, and his instinct were proven true when he noticed Louis didn’t move an inch. 

“Guess I’ll just make myself comfortable,” he mumbled as he began to fix his blankets in the floor. 

“Harry?” Louis weakly asked, rubbing his eyes. 

“Hey Sleeping Beauty!” Harry chirped. 

“Sorry I’m so tired,” Louis whined as he tried to sit up, but his body was far too weak. 

Harry bit his lip as he watched the scene unfold, watching how Louis tried to hide how weak he was truly feeling.

“I made some casserole for everyone. It’s Greek turkey, rice, and feta. I think you’ll find it very flavorful,” He winked. Louis humored him back with a smile, but Harry noticed the worry on his face. “I’ll go and tell Niall you’re awake so he can heat it up for us.” 

Though Louis was glad Harry was there, he was happy to see him leave. His body was undressed, and he’d be mortified if Harry saw all the fat on his bones. With that thought in mind, he scurried to get the clothes he pulled off back on. 

“FUCK!” He groaned as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger, trying to will his headache away. “I think I am going to have to eat!”

He stumbled into the kitchen, trying to dismiss the worried luck given by the entire room. He forced a smile as he swayed on his feet, barely making it to the chair.

“Looks great, Harry!” Niall complimented as he opened the microwave. 

“Thanks! It only has 199 calories,” He beamed as he began to make Louis a plate. 

Louis gave him a quiet ‘thank you’ as he looked down at his plate. Suddenly, he became overwhelmed. The red tomato sauce was making his stomach hurt, and turkey was already giving him nightmares though he hadn’t even tasted the dish yet. He picked up his fork, moving the food from one side of the plate to the other.

Niall watched, biting his tongue in an attempt to not intervene. Harry noticed, giving him a scolding look. 

“My legs are sore,” Harry blurted out trying to break the tension in the room. “I teach a Pilates class on Wednesdays, and I think it’s kicked my ass.”

Niall chuckled. “You should try golf, Mate. It’ll give you a leg work out that you’ll feel for days!” 

Harry disagreed, shaking his curls around. “I’m sure.” He picked up his fork and began to eat his food, trying to mimic Louis’ pace. “So, Lou……” 

“Um…” Louis said as he pushed his chair out. “You know what? I’m still so tired. I think I’m going to go finish my nap. Thanks for the food, Harry. Tasted wonderful!” 

Harry and Niall shot each other another worried glance, noticing that there wasn’t any missing from Louis’ plate. Niall tried to get up to follow Louis, but Harry politely put him back in his seat, offering to go instead. 

He knocked softly on Louis’ door, letting himself in. Louis was sitting beside of his bed, his knees curled up to his chest. He was sitting in Harry’s bed, trying to make sense of life and why he couldn’t do simple things anymore like eat.

“Hey,” Harry greeted him. 

“Hey,” Louis replied, putting his head on his knees and looking on the other direction.

“You never told me how your date with Clay went last night,” Harry decided to be bold as he wrapped his arm around Louis, pulling him closer and guiding Louis’ head to rest on his shoulder. 

“Oh...it went okay,” Louis shrugged.

“What did you do?” Harry tried to keep his voice from breaking.

“We went to the Diner, then his dorm….he kissed me,” Louis said in a confused tone. 

“Did you….like it?” Harry asked trying to stay calm. 

“I can’t form an opinion at the moment….I mean, it was okay, but I asked to leave after that. Felt too familiar…” Louis said, his mind still hazy. He hugged his stomach tight, trying to muffle the hunger pangs. 

“Hey Lou,” Harry said as he began to brush his wrist. “I um, I am a horrible house guest, but I saw….all these little trinkets and gifts that everyone gave you as housewarming presents….and I kind of read the notes attached….” He felt his cheeks grow out. “I kind of….wanted to get you something too….” He used his free hand to retrieve the gift out of his jeans pocket. 

Examining the bracelet, Louis recognized the glass bead design and the vibrant red color. He recalled a quote he read one on a pro-Ana site: The dragonfly not only symbolizes the thin, long body we desire, but also my wings being light and seen as pure. 

He twirled the bracelet around his fingers being hugging it up to his chest and putting it on his small wrist. He frowned when he noticed it was too big for him, but he wore it anyway.

“Thank you so much,” Louis said fighting back tears. 

He wasn’t sure why he had the urge to cry now. Well, he did know, but he didn’t want to. Why was it so hard to eat? Why couldn’t he make his mind up about Clay? Why was Harry giving him a Pro-Ana bracelet? 

“You didn’t….you didn’t touch your food,” Harry swallowed thickly. 

“No, I did!” Louis promised. Harry frowned at the lie. “It was delicious. I really appreciate having something other than Niall’s awful cooking.” 

“You’re welcome,” Harry chose to pick his battles as he ran his fingers over his bracelet. “Red looks good against your tan skin.” 

Louis felt his face flush as he found himself snuggling into Harry’s arm; slumber quickly trying to take him back into its world. He let out a small yawn as he muttered ‘thank you.’ 

Harry stayed perfectly still as he felt Louis’ body go limp beside of him. He smiled when he saw Louis with his fingers wrapped around the bracelet that was dangling off his wrist, trying to hold onto it for dear life. “You deserve pretty things,” Harry whispered.


	7. Monsters Find Me

Harry wasn't exactly tailored to be full of grace and poise. In fact, most would describe him as baby Bambi trying to learn to walk and failing miserably. Why he thought he could ninja his way into the hallway bathroom with all the lights off stealthily is unbeknownst to anyone.

He had only been to the home less than a handful of times and hardly had the place memorized as it is. As he tiptoed in the hallway, he saw his life flash before his eyes when he felt radiating pain through his bone.

"Mother trucker!" He hopped around on one foot holding his knee, hugging it tightly to himself; realizing he had crashed with a bookcase. Nonetheless, he continued his mission. It wasn't until his hips collided with the trophy shelf, that he abruptly stopped in his tracks.

Niall switched on the lights, rushing toward him, swinging a chrome golf club. "Harry! What the hell?! What are you doing?" He asked wearing his t-shirt and boxers, club in front of his face.

"I...well...Louis fell asleep and I wanted some privacy….and all the lights were out, so I figured everyone fell asleep and I just wanted to be quiet...." He blushed. "Here, I'll just pick these up...." He said bending down and retrieving the various awards. Among them was Niall's golf championship and a Soccer plague that read "MVP – Louis Tomlinson" on it. Harry smiled at it before placing it back in its proper place.

Lowering his weapon, Niall shook his head fondly before retreating to his room. Harry continued to navigate his way around before softly entering Louis' room.

"Somehow, I knew that commotion was you..." Louis cooed, not bothering to get up.

"Yeah, guilty. Sorry..." Harry reddened as he slipped out of his shoes and made himself comfortable in the pallet in the floor. "So, I noticed that Netflix updated its scary movie selection and there's one I think we should watch...."

Louis could feel his pulse rise just thinking about it. Being over emotional meant that sometimes, movies would make one panic and feel terrified, unsafe, even if it a fantasy. Being able to feel every little thing means getting lost in the moment, absorbed into the plotline.

"Oh yeah.... sounds nice." He replied quickly.

"So, tell me about Clay." Harry turned his full body around, sitting Indian style in the floor looking up at Louis who was propped up on his elbow in his full-sized bed. "How'd it go? You were vague on text."

"I told you most of it. Diner, dorm, he kissed me. I didn't feel as much as I used to...but I've been sitting here thinking...and what if I'm just not allowing myself to? Like maybe I just am afraid to let him in again, so I am not fully invested yet.... I think it needs more time...right?"

Harry lowered his head, trying to fight back what he really wanted to say. "All good things come to those who wait. How were my cookies by the way?"

"Oh, I haven't tried them yet. I am hungry though; I'll go get them!" He exclaimed as he jumped out of bed. Harry followed him with his eyes, lightly chuckling to himself and putting on the movie and pausing it before it began.

In the kitchen, Louis greeted a grumpy Niall who was pouring himself a drink. "How was work?"

"Fine. I think Maisie is going to get promoted soon. I'm so happy for her. I just wish we had more free time, you know? We hardly see each-other outside of work due to our schedules." Niall complained. "So...Harry...." He teased.

"Oh, can it Ni. We're just friends!"

"Yeah, you are, and you need that..." Niall responded. "For now."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Louis asked.

"Nothing, nothing. Just telling you that you haven't really dated since Clay and there are other fish in the sea, perhaps. Perhaps right under your nose..." Niall took his coffee mug and walked toward his room, sipping as he faded away into the darkness.

Confused, Louis shook his head and retrieved the cookies and almond milk. "Hey wait, Ni!" He jogged after him with his goodies. "We're going to watch a scary movie. Care to join?"

Putting his hand under his chin in a thinking position, Niall hummed softly. "Yeah, sure. We can't watch it out here!"

Smiling, Louis placed the items on the table in front of the television and walked into his room. He was pleasantly surprised when he was greeted with a shirtless Harry who was putting his hair up in a manbun, getting ready to lay down. His eyes scanned the lean body in front of him, focusing on the large butterfly tattoo that stretched from one side to the other. He noticed how the leaves on each side above his hipbone sent him down a path of inappropriate thoughts.

He cleared his throat, trying to bring himself back to reality. "So, change of plans. We're going to watch it in the living room. The television is bigger and I kind of invited Niall."

"Great..." Harry smiled, trying to hide his disappointment. "The more the merrier."  _ Not like this is a date or anything. _

The trio carelessly sat on the couch allowing their bodies to almost tip it before giggling like schoolgirls and shifting around until they felt comfortable. Niall sat with one foot resting on the opposite thigh. Harry sat with his elbows digging into his thighs, slightly bent forward, and Louis decided to platonically drape his arm around the back of the couch behind Harry. Noticing, Harry leaned into his arm and tried to keep his intrigue to a minimal.

The screen began to play the movie: two teenagers were running in a forest being chased by a figure that was not seen on camera yet. Predictably, a female tripped, begging her friend not to leave her. Just as she was getting up to continue running, it shows a close up of her face and she is seen being dragged away by her ankles.

Niall and Harry look over and see that Louis had moved his feet into the couch leaning toward Harry.

"Want a cookie, Lad?" Niall asked teasing him. "Look a little pale, Lou. Can't tell if it's your blood sugar or your anxiety," he chuckled breaking a cookie in half.

"I'm not scared!" Louis said in denial. Just as he finished his sentence, a crow hitting the window making an abnormally loud  _ thud _ echoed in the room. "AH!" He screamed, digging his face into Harry's chest.

Noticing the sudden shift in seating arrangements, Harry snaked his long arms around his shoulder, huddling him closer to his chest. Niall winked at him, assuring him he was doing the right thing. Harry took the broken cookie out of Niall's' hand and placed it in front of Louis' mouth.

"Here, have a cookie. I made them with love." He tutted.

Hesitating only for a moment, Louis opened his mouth and accepted the invitation. He chewed the cookie making a  _ mmm _ noise. He wasn't sure if it was Harry's baking skills or the fact, he was starving but he felt like his mouth was having an orgasm.

Just as he swallowed the dry item, he realized how much he really wanted a decent meal. His body let the entire room know when it started making gurgling noises.

"I'll go heat you some leftovers. I made a one dish chicken casserole for you. It has carrots, broccoli, squash, zucchini, onions, and chicken breast." Niall bragged. 

"So that explains why your laptop is on the kitchen counter again. I'm sure it's lovely, Ni." He smiled at him, telepathically informing Harry it was probably disaster, but he was going to eat it anyway.

Niall dismissed himself, stretching as he made his way into the kitchen. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis, shielding his eyes from a teenager being slaughtered in the forest. He held him close, running his fingers gently down his arm. He could feel his heart rate increasing; thoughts of how to maintain self-control swirling around in his cranium.

He had been on countless dates. Some would even call him an expert at  _ wooing _ someone. He had it down to a science: give someone a compliment, act uninterested for a few days,  _ randomly _ bump into them again, casually drop the 'we should hangout' phrase, get them alone, and have a passionate make out session, maybe even get lucky the first date. Second date, if there was one, guaranteed home run. Get bored with them, repeat the process.

Around Louis, though, he found it a victory if he could muster a coherent thought. He did not feel insecure around him, but less confident; as if Louis was a puzzle piece, he had just enough patience to figure out. He knew he wasn't dealing with a typical person, but one with deep, articulate thoughts. One who enjoyed writing, poetry, and beauty in the world but also someone who had on a dark lens, a broken wing, and maybe a distorted view of love.

He argued with himself if he should deepen the intimacy. Would it push Louis away? After all, he was with Clay, going on experimental dates... but he had invited Harry over. So, it must mean  _ something,  _ right? He never felt more confused.

Feeling like taking a gamble, he put his head on top of Louis, drawing his closer to him. He wrapped one arm behind his waist and used his other arm to hug him close, continue to run his fingers vertically his arm. He looked down at him to see a reaction, but he was getting a poker face. He did feel, however, tiny goosebumps under the tips of his fingers.

"Louis?" He whispered, hearing a murmur back. Louis looked up at him, his sunken cheekbones shimmering in the light from the previously applied bronzer. Harry gazed down at him, getting lost in the sea of blue eyes but only for a moment. He put his hand under Louis' chin, tilting it forward.

Before he could continue, Niall came carrying a platter with three plates. Louis instantly broke the eye contact, retreating in his shell and scratching the back of his neck nervously. Harry glared at Niall, trying to conceal his sorrow.

Niall put Louis' plate on his lap and handed him silverware.

"I know you have something to say, Lad," he laughed.

"I like it. It could use some garlic, rosemary, olive oil, and thyme for a little flavor; maybe even some lemon on the chicken – maybe." Harry critiqued. Niall made a 'mi mi mi' mocking noise as he shoveled the food in his mouth.

Harry wasn't particularly hungry. In fact, he had an unwritten rule about not eating after 6:00 pm but he didn't want to put any pressure onto Louis. Niall was thinking the same thing though he could always eat, no matter if his brain signaled it was time to eat or not. 

Both discreetly looked over at Louis who was arranging his vegetables into small piles and using his fork to slice them into smaller portions.

Niall gulped, hoping he wouldn't have to clean up a casserole off the wall tonight. He could see the apprehension written on Louis' face. He remained silent, observing but not engaging.

Harry took a different approach. He purposely looked Louis' away and heaped a forkful of food in his mouth, smiling at Louis as if to reassure him it was okay. Louis returned the smile and used his fingers to put a small piece of zucchini on his tongue.

Harry continued to make sure to take bites purposely and synchronized, satisfied when a third of the portion was gone.

Louis twirled his red bracelet around his wrist, looking down and feeling defeated. Niall took the opportunity to turn the lights off back off and continue the movie. Harry repositioned his arm behind Louis' back, cuddling him softly.

Though they hadn't discussed his distorted eating patterns, he sympathetically whispered in his ear "I'm proud of you." He grabbed his wrist and put his hand on top of the bracelet, creating small circles with his thumb. Louis smiled at him and turned his attention back to the movie.

The screen flashed with police sirens, red and blue decorating the beige wall of the apartment. The lieutenant kicked open the door and called out a 'hello' before exploring the abandoned house where the station received a report of someone in danger. Just as he was about to enter another room, he yelled suddenly as a rat scurried on top of his shoe.

Louis leaped into Harry's lap, followed by Niall.

Harry welcomed the fragile one and laughed hysterically at the Irish.

"Shut up!" Niall demanded with a purple face.

"You need to sleep in my room, too?" Louis burst out laughing.

"You're one to talk! You jumped before I did and you're still on him!" Niall teased.

Harry darted glary eyes toward the blonde, scolding him for the comment. He wasn't complaining about Louis' actions, why should he have a say in it?

"It's okay, Lou. I'll protect you from those filthy vermin!" He said petting his hair. Louis shifted his weight forward, staying in his lap. Harry looked over a Niall and stuck out his tongue, watching the Irishman returning the gesture. 

Truth be told, they both were enthralled about the events unfolding.

They did not know the chaos erupting in Louis' mind.

\-------

The movie began to roll the credits when Louis rubbed his eye with his fist, exhausted and guilt ridden from eating the casserole. He tried to maintain a nonchalant attitude, but he felt himself unable to keep up his masquerade.

"Night guys!" He waved as he made his way toward his bedroom.

He swatched his toothbrush with paste and began to run the water, trying to heat it up so he could wash his face. Looking in the small mirror attached to the cabinet, he quickly shifted his eyes away from himself as negative self-talk began to play in his mind.

_ Your cheeks look so plump. You could probably wash your hair, it looks greasy. Is that a new pimple? _

He continued to allow the thoughts to invade his mind, but he exchanged glances with an eager Harry, who was playfully shoving him with his hips. "Scoot over, I need the water too!" He teased.

"Harry..." Louis giggled as he ran his fingers under the water and flicked it on Harry.

"You're lucky I find you adorable!" Harry said jostling him playfully again. Too embarrassed to reply, Louis continued to brush his teeth as he tried to hide his smile. "I'm not sure which one was more afraid during the film....you or Niall," he teased.

"Me either to be honest," Louis turned red again. "I'm sorry. I have bad anxiety already and add creepy music and visuals and my paranoia just goes through the roof!" He confessed putting a little face wash on his fingertips and washing his face. "I still feel jumpy!" He laughed.

Harry noticed that Louis had his eyes shut tight, splashing water on his face repeatedly; leaving himself completely defenseless. He used his defenseless state to his advantage by wrapping his long arms around Louis and putting his chin on top of Louis' head. "It's a good thing I'm sleeping in the floor then. The monsters will have to climb over me to get to you and that just isn't going to happen on my watch," he whispered sweetly in Louis' ear. 

Giggling, Louis placed his hands on top of Harry's arms for a second. Though they were wet and cold, Harry didn't mind.

They continued to get ready for bed, both stripping down to a bare torso and boxers. Louis jumped into his bed, getting under the covers quickly – afraid that the monsters were going to grab his feet since Harry had yet to lay down. He pulled the blanket up to his chest and nestled himself in, turning on his side and using his hand as a pillow.

"Harry, do you think monsters are real?" He suddenly blurted out.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked fluffing his bed of blankets and trying to get comfortable.

"I mean....sure, in the movies they have these extravagant teeth and glowing eyes but what if monsters are just everyday people trying to fool us? Their only goal is to hurt us and make us feel unsafe......or what if a monster is called cancer and kills you from the inside out? I think I've seen my fair share of monsters....even one that lives in my head, telling me I'm not good enough."

Harry nibbled on his bottom lip trying to clear his thoughts. "I think that if monsters are real, you are one person who doesn't deserve to know who they are, or what they are." He smiled. "You know what you need, Lou? A proper date. Diners and milkshakes are cool and all but have you ever been on a Styles date? I tell you what...give me one night....just one and I'll never ask again if you hate it." He boldly offered.

Not replying, Harry continued to ramble. "God that was so inappropriate, wasn't it? You're still trying to figure out your feelings for Clay and you have his teddy bear over there...what was I thinking? I've crossed a line. I'm sorry. Please don't let that ruin our friendship. I have no filter sometimes."

"Harry....." Louis uttered.

"Just forget I said that, Lou, please!" Harry continued to rant.

"Harry!" Louis snapped. Finally letting it register that Louis wanted to talk, Harry looked up at him, encouraging him to continue. "I would love to go out with you but let's not label it," Louis smiled as he crawled down in the floor beside Harry. 

Harry bit his index finger trying to contain his smile. "I'll pick you up tomorrow at 8!' He exclaimed as he wrapped his arm around Louis' waist.

Yawning, Louis allowed himself to free talk. When he was tired, it was almost as if he consumed too much alcohol and did not know how to screen his verbal confessions. He hadn't always been this way; it appeared after months of not eating a proper diet. He recognized the coincidence when he informed his sister her favorite top was a fashion mistake. He didn't mean to say it out loud but he had, and he felt guilty because she never wore it again.

"The monsters always know where to find me. I hope you meant what you said earlier that you'd protect me from them...." He scooted closer to Harry, resting his head on Harry's torso. He traced the outline of the butterfly tattoo, unbeknownst to himself why he was being so receptive to someone else and allowing someone else into his fortress.

He let out another squeaky yawn before Harry noticed his breathing transitioned from labored to calm and peaceful. The hand that that tracing the tattoo moments earlier was now clinging to Harry's side, putting small dents into the flesh that was on top of his ribcage.

Harry didn't mind. He draped one arm lazily over Louis, stroking his hair. "Though I can't make the monsters disappear, I can make you feel safe. You're not a project though, don't think that. I've liked you for so long....goodnight, Lou."

Though he wasn't exactly comfortable, he ordered his body to remain still and not wiggle around. He didn't want to risk Louis waking up and getting back into his bed.

He quietly reached for his phone, opening the camera app. He positioned the camera to a perfect angle before snapping a photo of Louis sleeping on his chest. Smiling, he stared at it for a second before changing it to his wallpaper.

_ I'm fucked _ he laughed amongst himself.


	8. Persistence

Niall wasn't sure why he got the bright idea to try and make French crepes, but he wishes he hadn't. As he sifted the flour, he realized that most had missed the mixing bowl and was instead sprinkled all over the counter. When trying to find the cream cheese for the filling, he accidentally used ricotta cheese which google informed him could be a healthier option. As he sliced the strawberries into quarters, he realized his finger was bleeding and he had bad aim.

Nonetheless, he hoped his efforts would not go unrewarded as he called Louis into the kitchen for breakfast. He prepared their plates and mumbled a silent prayer to himself – that the food was edible, and he would not have to clean any from the floor.

"Nice Band-Aid," Louis giggled as he observed the hello kitty bandage covered around Niall's index finger.

"It's all I could find!" He retorted back. "So, you have a date with Harry tonight Liam informed me..."

"I wouldn't call it date...." Louis opened his crepe, examining the insides. He pouted as he began to mentally count the calories. Judging by the mess, he knew that Niall tried hard but the idea of consuming all these carbs was really making him panic.

He raked his fork over the cream cheese filling, trying to cut it into more smaller portions. Since the crepe was so thin, it began to fall apart, and the filling began to ooze all over the plate, creating even more chaos in Louis' mind.

He divided the strawberries around the plate, counting them and trying to make a pattern but he could not find one.

"Not a date, huh?" Niall teased. "Well I think it's good for you. You don't get out of the house much except to go to class and your barley do that anymore. Personally, I like Harry. I think he's a good cuddle buddy, especially when one's scared. Don't you agree?"

Blushing, Louis turned his attention back to his food and continued to try and organize it. Niall watched him and tried to make sense of it all, but he could not rationalize the disease himself.

"I know I'm not the best cook in the world and thank you for giving them a chance. Crepes are a no for the future," he laughed at himself. "There's still plenty of strawberries left though. I'll get you a Greek yogurt and you can pair them together."

"No thank you," Louis scooted his chair out and began to put his food in the trash. "I think I'm going to lay back down for a while, but I promise to eat when I get up." He walked past Niall, not giving him a chance to argue with him. He walked into his bedroom and stripped naked, stepping on the scale as he wiggled his toes trying to remain patient as the three-digit number appeared.

Once the number began to flash, he nearly gagged. Not even Clay abusing him could compare to the sinking feel in the depth of his soul. He was the same as yesterday, not even an ounce difference. He counted his steps which was equivalent to 7.4 miles. He measured his calorie intake: 850. 2 liters of water. Surely, he would have made a difference, but he didn't.

Not losing weight was a period of mourning. Every day when you wake up to the same goal over and over, your entire existence revolves around the small victories. In the beginning, he took refuge in the fact that if he didn't gain any weight, he was doing a good job but as he reached his plateau repeatedly, staying complacent meant he wasn't trying hard enough. 

He felt as if his throat was closing together and his fingers were suddenly feeling small vibrations. The room was somewhat spinning, though he knew it was called dissociation. He glanced at himself for a minute in the mirror and realized how much he truly hated himself: inside and out. He was fat, mundane, and uncharismatic. He was not lazy, insignificant, and pessimistic.

There was no way he could keep his date tonight.

In fact, when he heard the doorbell ring, he put his pillow over his head trying to disappear. When he heard Niall answer it all cheerfully in his Irish accent, he could taste the saline colliding with his tongue as his tears streamed down his cheeks, some resting in his mouth. When he heard the clumsy footsteps and a silent 'ow' as Harry bumped into the furniture, he only began to cry harder.

"Lou, you in there? Harry's here!" Niall called out and twisted the doorknob. To his surprise, it was not locked.

Louis caught a small glimpse of Harry before Niall shut the door. _He's so fucking gorgeous,_ and that only made his mind more depressed. In his eyes, he'd never be Harry. If someone were to see them together, they would think he'd never be good enough for him and Harry only took him out on a pity date. Why would someone with a perfectly aligned smile, suave curls, and a physique that most seek consultation at a plastic surgeon’s office want to take him out? It was an oxymoron and just made no sense.

Noticing Louis' face soaked with tears, red from crying into his pillow, Niall sat on his bed beside of him but not touching him. "Are you okay?"

"Can you please make up any excuse? I just can't, Ni....I just can't...." Louis reiterated.

Grabbing a Kleenex from a nearby box beside the bed, Niall handed Louis the tissue and nodded. "It's okay. You don't have to. We'll talk about this later...if you want. Maisie said I'm pushing you too hard so I'm trying to be better about it." He confessed patting Louis' arm.

Louis looked down at his body. It was dry, and his athletic muscle tone was transparent. Though parts of him still looked lean, for the most part, he looked atypical. Weird thing is he sort of missed his muscles and the feeling of being healthy. It seemed unattainable now. The need to not eat and have control of every consumable item always won the desire to _look good, feel good, breathe._ The voice in his head could always out argue the voice of reason.

He weakly walked over to the door just as Niall shut it, trying to eavesdrop on the commotion going on outside.

"I'm sorry, Lad. I think Louis needs to cancel. He's feeling a bit under the weather you could say..." Niall patted Harry's shoulder sympathetically.

Pouting, Harry put his hand down looking at the items in his hands. "Oh....I understand. Can you give him these and tell him I hope he feels better?" He didn't look up as he absent-mindedly examined his boots. He put his arms out in front of him and handed Niall the gifts before leaving the apartment.

He trudged to his car, wanting to leave as quick as possible. Harry wasn't sure where he went wrong, but he knew that someone being sick last minute often meant they were being blown off. He started his car and began to let his mind wander. Maybe it was the affection after the scary movie. Maybe he was trying to move too fast. He just thought that since he'd known Louis so long, maybe they could skip a few of the _talking stages_ but he realized in retrospect how damaged Louis truly is from both his own self-hate and the dark circumstances that came his way.

Inside the apartment, Niall knocked on Louis' door but did not verbally speak to him. He placed the gifts on an empty space on the bed and decided to let Louis be before his sadness turned into anger and involved inward or outward pain.

Louis wiped his tears on his blanket before weeping once more. On his bed, he found a small bouquet of Purple Pansies. The gesture made him smile for a second as he remembered Harry picking a single pansy during their night in the meadow and placing it behind his ear. Beside the flowers, he found a box of calming tea and a miniature stuffed animal frog.

Feeling his heart sink deep in his chest, he reasoned with himself that he made the right choice. Harry was way too good for him. All he was good for was being someone's punching bag, be told he's worthless, and spend hours being berated. Harry needed to put his energy into someone worthwhile and not so broken.

Someone the total opposite of himself. He was someone only a Mother could love but not even she could do that anymore.

He never felt more alone in his entire life.

Inside the living room, Niall tried to find a romantic comedy and make popcorn for Maisie who would be over at any minute. He hoped they'd have a nice dinner and a movie alone tonight, but a change of plans needed to happen since Louis refused to go on his date.

Just as he settled on a Hilary Duff flick, he felt his phone vibrate with the name "Z" flashing across the screen.

"Hey Zayn. What's happening?" He asked. "Oh really? I don't think Louis meant to hurt Harry. He's just going through some stuff. Personally, I think Harry's a great Lad. I've enjoyed having someone else coming over here. Used to have Liam but someone *cough*YOU*cough* took him away," He chuckled. "No, no. I'm kidding! I'm kidding!" He teased. "Yeah I know Harry had an eating problem in the past......I guess we'll just have to let them figure it out. Hey text me when you get the chonce!"

Niall hung up the phone as he heard Maisie's heels clicking on the hardwood floor. He sighed when he realized how confusing and chaotic things had become over the past few months. He was glad had Maisie, but he didn't understand why Louis couldn't want that too.

"Give me a minute, sweetheart!" He said kissing her softly as he walked back into Louis' room.

He knocked on the door before letting himself in. He slumped down on the bed, observing Louis who was snuggled up to the stuffed animal.

"I'm here for you. You know that, right?" He asked. Louis nodded before turning over on his hip and faced the wall, so he didn't have to make eye contact. Niall gave him a sideways, awkward angle hug before leaving the room.

Louis turned back over and grabbed his phone.

(iMessage)  
Louis: I'm sad.  
Louis: I never felt more alone and don't know who I can trust and who I can't. Nothing makes sense. You've known me longer than anyone else....do you have any advice?  
Clay: Meet me in the locker room in an hour. We can talk then.   
Clay: Oh, and Louis, I'm glad you thought of me.  
Louis: Always do. 😊

As he pushed send, he realized how much of a lie he just typed out. Though he did think of him sometimes, it was Harry who crossed his mind and refused to leave.

He forced himself to stand up, though he was drained of all energy. He had to meet Clay; he needed that connection. He needed to release his mind of this prison cell but at what cost?

It wasn't until his fifth bottle of beer and two bourbon shot later that Harry realized maybe he had a little bit too much to drink. He held onto his Mike's Hard Lemonade like as he maneuvered through the small crowd of friends and acquaintances.

"Ed, Ed. Listen to my poem, okay? You are a beautiful ginger snap.... with a bloody amazing little laugh!" Harry slurred as he clutched onto his friend like a koala. Unprepared and tipsy himself, Ed was unable to support both their weight and went tumbling backwards.

"Sorry Mate!" He retorted. "Do you really think I'm beautiful?" He blushed.

"The prettiest man at this here party except for myself of course," Harry cocked an eyebrow, giggling. "Although.... I got stood up today...." He pouted, threatening to emotionally ugly cry.

"Oh no, none of that!" Liam came to the rescue. "I have a new joke.... knock knock..."

"Whose there?" Ed asked rolling his eye, petting Harry's hair.

"Obviously not Louis because he blew me off...." Harry said wiping his nose on Ed's shirtsleeve. Taking pity, Ed rubbed small circles on his back with his fingertips.

Ignoring the comment, Liam continued with his joke. "Theodore!'

"Theodore, who?" Ed asked humoring him.

"Theodore wasn't open, so I knocked!" Liam burst out laughing, hunching over and nearly spilling his drink. Ed and Harry exchanged annoyed glances as Zayn came up behind him and started laughing as well. "Get it Theodore.... the door...hahaha!"

"That's hilarious, babe!" Zayn squealed.

Unfortunately, Harry was unamused. Though he was the king of cheesy knock knock jokes today he just wasn't in the mood. "Nobody loves me......" He cried. "I'm just going to die old, senile, and with a hundred cats. Edgar, Oscar, Mittens, Snowball, Fluffy...." He continued to name his imagery cats before Zayn interrupted.

"Is this about Louis?" Zayn questioned sympathetically.

"Shh! Don't say his name!" Liam cupped his hand over Zayn's mouth. Playfully, Zayn licked the palm of his hand. Turned on from the contact, Liam took his hand and guided him out of the room.

"Louis Tomlinson from the soccer team?" Ed shook his head in disbelief. "You need to stay away from him, Harry. I'm friends with some of the other teammates and he told me that Clay was bragging about trying to get Louis back...and he'd have his way with no matter what. The guy is unstable."

"Yeah, but...."

Before the conversation could continue, a tall blonde with a white mini skirt and matching top sat down on Harry's lap.

"Didn't I have you in Journalism?" She purred.

"Yeah, I think so. Tristen is it?"

"Taylor," she corrected.

"Oh.... right." Harry giggled.

Without saying anymore, she ran her fingers up and down his side before testing her limits by palming the front of his jeans. He hitched his breath for a second and closed his eyes, unable to resist his body growing harder from the stroking.

"We can go to my dorm if you like...Dupree Hall," she whispered in his ear. "I can tell you've had a bad night, but I can make it all go away if you let me..."

Harry let his mouth slightly part open. His drunken state debated if a one-night stand would lead to healing and a confidence boost or shame and more self-hatred. He reached for his bottle of Mike's Hard, taking a big gulp and setting the bottle back down. He mustered up all his willpower to push her off his lap.

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'm waiting on someone...." Harry flipped his curls off his shoulder, walking away swaying his hips and clinking his boots on the floor, batting his eyelashes.

"That boy is a hot mess..." Ed whispered. "But I'll go back to your dorm sweetheart."

Ed and Harry had grown up together (well since 7th grade anyway), though he hardly showed up to social events that he himself didn't host. It was a curse of being an introvert really - his social energy had to be put into the right hands or else he was completely drained before the night was over.

Though he was not considered attractive in the traditional sense, he had a way with women. Nobody understood if it was his charming demeanor, way with words, or hundreds of tattoos littered across various spots on his body. Most hypothesized it was his stunning blue eyes which were pure as the Tenerife Sea.

Therefore, when Taylor shrugged and replied with "Oh what the hell, why not?" nobody was surprised. Besides, she did not have the best reputation to begin with. Harry was not one for slut-shaming, but she got around, it was just common knowledge.

He gave Harry a high five as he walked past him, signaling to him he was about to get lucky.

Sweating and feeling a bit nauseous, Harry stepped out into the parking lot to breathe some fresh air and try to compose his emotions. He began to walk to his car, thinking maybe he could roll the windows down and take a short nap just to sober up before returning to the dorm.

Yet, on the way, something stopped him dead in his tracks. Leaned up against the side of the building was Clay who was being verbally aggressive to someone. Harry stealthily (more like stumbling, almost tripping over his nonexistent shoelaces) walked within earshot of the conversation. That is when he noticed that it wasn't just anyone; it was Louis. He'd recognize those sapphire eyes from anywhere, and the quaff, and the petite frame....and the distinct voice.

"Louis, you can't just ask me to hangout and then change your mind!" Clay yelled, pulling at Louis' wrist. "I just want to take you back to my dorm like old times!"

Harry debated if he should interrupt. He felt like upchucking at any moment, the room beginning to spin. Trying to crouch down, he lost his balance and fell on his back, looking up the stars for a minute before rolling on his side and vomiting.

"Eww!" He groaned before turning his attention back to the altercation.

"I'm sorry. I'm just not ready for all that. I think...." Louis bit his bottom lip. "I think I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I thought it's what I wanted but...."

"No, you don't get to reject me again, Louis. Haven't you learned anything over the years?" Clay tightened his grip on Louis' wrist, trying to pull him toward his vehicle.

Though dizzy and nauseous, Harry began to walk toward them. He was a peaceful person, never missed a Pilates class and often enjoyed spiritual debates. He believed that positive vibes bring positive lives, but he could not stand to see the events unfolding in front of him.

"Hey Louis!" Harry said hugging him tightly. Clay, again, tightened his grip on Louis trying to pull him out of Harry's embrace. "You want to get out of here?" He leaned in and whispered in his ear "I'm a little drunk but that's okay, right?"

Louis shut his eyes tight, flinching from the pain. He was unable to speak, immobilized by fear.

"No, I don't think he will Harry. He's already made plans with me." Clay said grabbing Louis by the waist, digging his fingers between his ribs.

Laughing, Harry towered over him. "All I know is if you don't let him go, you're going to have...." Harry stopped, trying to keep his drunken state from being too obvious. "Big problems."

Clay rolled his eyes and yanked Louis out of Harry's reach. He began to guide them toward his car. "This doesn't concern you Styles. Louis still loves me. He told me so."

Harry exchanged glances with Louis who was rubbing his wrist and looking down at the floor. Though his judgment was impaired, anyone could see that Louis did not want to be with Clay and was just trying to not cause drama.

Trying to keep his balance, he jogged over to them. He sandwiched himself between Louis and Clay. He almost smiled when he felt Louis lean into him but not touching him, as if he was urging him to take him out of the situation. It gave him more courage and follow his impaired instincts. He wrapped his long arm around Louis shoulders, guiding him to his car instead. "I'm too drunk to drive.... let's get out of here. You're in control of the keys."

"This isn't over, Styles!" Clay called after him. "I still love you, Louis!"

Trying to be serious, Harry found himself giggling at nothing and everything. He kept poking Louis on the side of the cheek and calling him cute pet names, trying to subtly flirt but it couldn't have been more obvious.

"Oh, I'm going to be sick!" He groaned. "Can you pull over?"

Louis shook his head fondly. "How much did you have to drink exactly?"

"Um...." Harry counted on his fingers but kept starting over. "Probably 5 beers and 3 shots," he held up his fingers which displayed his 4 fingers, tucking his thumb before the palm of his hand. Louis smiled when he realized that Harry couldn't even count now.

Arriving at the apartment, Louis parked the car behind Maisie's vehicle and helped a stumbling Harry into the front door.

"Shh!" Harry giggled as he toed off his boots and tried to gracefully make it through the house. Of course, this was a mission impossible as he ran into the pesky trophy case once again. "Oops!" He laughed as he continued to walk to Louis' room.

Though the pile of blankets had been picked up, he still laid down in the floor beside the bed and stretched out. "Thanks for letting me come over. I was going to sleep in my car tonight!"

Louis completed his nighttime routine before getting into his bed. "It's fine. I should be thanking you.... In fact, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I said I was sick earlier. I'm only telling you this because I don't think you'll remember it in the morning.... I was sick....am sick. I... I don't know what to do anymore...."

Though Harry wanted to continue the conversation, he felt his stomach churn and rushed to the bathroom. He couldn't decipher if it was the alcohol or knowing that Clay hurt Louis once again that was making him nauseous. He leaned over the toilet and planed his feet as firmly as he could on the ground before expelling his stomach contents.

"Strawberry flavored alcohol definitely doesn't taste as good coming up as it does going down!" He screeched. He heard Louis let out a distant but sleepy snicker. He smiled knowing that he had him happy for a moment before brushing his teeth.

He stumbled back into the room, making himself comfortable in the floor. Just before he passed out, he felt tiny arms wrap themselves around him and could feel the slight pressure of a stuffed frog rest on his chest. He peeked with one eye to make sure he wasn't hallucinating before feather-stroking Louis' brittle hair.

"Aww. You want to know what I think?" Harry thought he was whispering and sounding endearing, but in reality, was talking loudly. "I think you like me sometimes." He snickered. "And I think you like cuddling with me just as much as I like cuddling with you!"

Louis looked up at him and smiled. "Maybe I do. Maybe I don't deserve you."

Harry pouted his lips. "I don't like it when...when.... you say negative things about yourself. You're my sunshine." Harry squeezed him gently before petting the frog. "Even Froggo here agrees with me."

"I don't know if I'm really drunk or what Louis but I'm going to go out on a limb here. Will you please go out with me for real this time?"

Louis smiled as he laid on Harry's chest before pulling the cover up to his chin. "Only if you walk into Niall's room right now and tell him he's the best golfer in the entire world."

"That's easy.... deal!" Harry said jumping up as the frog slid down his body and crashed onto the blanket.

He tip toed across the apartment, bumping into the couch and table. Louis followed behind him, snickering with each step. Without even knocking, Harry swung up Niall's bedroom door and hoovered over his beside.

"I, Harry Edward Styles, have an announcement to make!" He slurred. "You, Niall, are the best golf player in the entire world....and Maisie, you are one lucky woman!" When he didn't get a response, he stepped over Niall and began to jump on the mattress. "Wake up, I have an announcement!"

Screaming, Maisie and Niall jolted up. "What the fuck?!" Niall said startled as he flipped on the bedside lamp. "Harry! What are you doing? Are you drunk?!"

"I have an announcement I said!" Harry giggled as he cleared his throat and jumped down, his body bouncing a couple of times before staying stagnant. "You're the best golf player in the entire world...." He rubbed Niall's cheek before lurching over. "Uh oh...all that bouncing has me..." Before continuing his sentence, Harry found himself throwing up all over Niall's mattress.

Maisie instantly jumped out of bed shouting "Eww, Eww!"

Louis doubled over from laughing so hard as Niall also jumped out of bed and began to chase Harry out of his room. Maisie sprang into action trying to change the sheets and salvage the rest of the night.

"Come back here, Curly!" Niall said as he grabbed a golf club on his way out. "I'll show you how good my swing is!"

"Louis, save me!" Harry cried as he ran to his room. Still laughing, Louis made his way to Harry.

"I'll take care of him, Niall. He's a little drunk!" He giggled.

"You think?" Niall sarcastically snapped as he put down the golf club and shot Louis a look. "I know you put him up to this, but I am going back to sleep. We'll discuss it tomorrow. Nigh boys!"

As Niall shut the door rather frustrated, Louis and Harry burst out laughing so hard they had tears streaming down their faces. Louis guided Harry to the bathroom and made him brush his teeth before he laid down in his bed, opening the covers for Harry to join him.

"You don't have to sleep in the floor tonight if you don't want to...." Louis offered. Without hesitation, Harry snuggled himself in, latching onto Louis.

"If you feel my hard on, please don't judge. Alcohol makes me horny and well, I really like you...." Harry thought he was whispering again. "Night!"

"Goodnight Harold!" Louis smirked, and if he grazed his thigh against Harry to see if he was lying, nobody would know. Of course, he did indeed feel the hard on and maybe his body responded with mirroring the state.


	9. Everyone Turns A Blind Eye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read with caution! Triggering abuse ahead!

With the room spinning, Harry stumbled into the kitchen. His mouth felt dry and his throat felt scratchy. He put a kettle of hot water on the stove to boil before proceeding to sit down in a kitchen chair. He placed his head on top of the table resting between his arms.

"Rough night, Lad?" Niall asked patting his back firmly. "It must be hard puking in other people's beds when they have their fiancé over, huh?"

"I plea the Fifth!" Harry exclaimed. Though he did indeed remember the event, he did not want to discuss it any further. His headache was too strong. "What are you doing?"

Niall placed his laptop on the counter. "Going to make Louis a healthy omelet. He hasn't been eating – always tells me he will but never does."

Harry gave him a weary look for two reasons: he himself was worried about Louis and he could tell Niall had no idea what he was doing. He collected up all his strength to walk over and began to whisk the eggs, adding a little cream and salt.

"Mushrooms, peppers, onions, spinach, and tomatoes please!" Harry demanded rolling up his sleeves and shutting the laptop. "If you want him to eat....well it needs to be edible first."

Niall rolled his eyes though internally he was thanking his lucky stars because truth be told, he wanted to impress Maisie and make up for last night.

He made his way into Louis' room to find him cuddled up to the small stuffed frog and wrapped tightly in the snuggie he got him earlier in the year. When he noticed bruises on Louis' wrist and upper arm, he raised his eyebrow confused as they looked like the ones he used to see when he was dating Clay.

He didn't want to disturb him. He could tell that Louis was exhausted and probably spent most of the night taking care of Harry, but his gut was yelling at him that something wasn't right. He quietly picked up Louis' phone and pushed the home button seeing many notifications.

(iMessage)  
Clay: I'm sorry about last night. Pls give me another chance.  
Clay: Just tell me your address and I'll pick u up. I didn't appreciate u leaving me for Styles but I'm willing to forget about it.  
Clay: Are u hurt? I'm so sorry

Niall let his chest rise and fall with tension. He exited Louis' room and marched toward Harry. "He's seeing Clay again?" He asked folding his arms.

Flinching, Harry felt torn. He didn't want to tell Niall something that wasn't his business, but he was also afraid for Louis. "I saw them together last night outside the bar...." Harry just couldn't make himself lie.

"I can't believe this!" Niall yelled. "I know it's his life but I got this entire apartment for us so he could get away from him and start over...Clay is abusive! What is he thinking? The worst part is he can't know I know...."

Harry flipped over the omelet, staring at it for a moment before putting it on a plate to make another one. He did not want to be a part of his conversation anymore.

"I think he hurt him, Harry. He has bruises on his wrist and side...." Niall informed him, keeping his arms folded. "The season starts soon, and they'll see each other more often. Louis just can't quit. He's going to college based off the scholarship alone."

"Here, take this over. Just flip it when it looks like it needs it!" Harry handed over the spatula before going into Louis' room and examining the places Niall told him about. Sure enough, he found dark purple bruises on Louis' wrist and between his ribs. He found small indentions from the red bracelet he gifted him.

Still feeling somewhat tipsy, he knew his inhibitions could be released, at least that's what he could blame it on as he decided to plant soft kisses on the delicate bruises. Louis instinctively tucked his hand under his body, protecting it from anymore damage.

Harry proceeded to stroke his ribs, noticing how protruding they were and how much Louis had changed since the first time he saw him. He was one of the best players on the soccer team. He always found him attractive and strived to look like him at times, blushing anytime he looked his way. He wasn't saying he wasn't attractive now, but he was noticeably too thin and wasting away mind, body, and soul.

It reminded him of his own struggles. Working out until he felt exacerbated, sometimes too exhausted to even shower afterwards. Running up and down the stairs instead of taking the elevator, doing Pilates until his abs burned, and keeping his food log. It wasn't until he passed out in one of his buns and guns classes at the recreation building that he decided to get help.

As he continued to think about his own recovery, he felt Louis shift under him tossing and turning. As the sunlight hung right above the window, he could see the chapped lips and clammy skin. He ran his fingers through the messy fringe hanging crossly on his forehead, feeling small beads of cold sweat.

When Louis finally woke and stirred around, he hoisted in pain as he tried to set up. He held his rib and made a hissing noise as he tried to get out of bed.

"Good morning," Harry smiled at him. "You ok?"

"My side hurts...." Louis retorted. "Good morning, though."

"Niall's making omelets. You hungry?" Harry asked though he knew the answer was going to be no no matter what the truth was.

"Lovely," Louis sneered. "Can I tell you something?" He rhetorically asked. "Last night I met Clay in the locker room and we walked to the bar but I saw your car outside and I changed my mind because I realized how much of a mistake I made and I told Clay that...I said 'I'm going to let Harry pick me up' and he got really mad at me and shoved me down on the ground....and then you came out and he started pulling my wrist and digging his fingers in my ribs....and now, my body hurts....I'm sorry for complaining!'

Harry ran his fingers through Louis' fringe once again. "Promise me you won't see him anymore, Louis? If it's too much to go out with me, I'll understand but you don't have to run to Clay. He is going to end up hurting you really bad one day....and I'm a little jealous you decided to hang out with him instead of me...." Harry puckered. 

Louis opted to lay back down, feeling his wrist, hip, and side hurting. "No, I'm done with him, but I do want to go out with you....you're such an adorable drunk."

Blushing, Harry rubbed his hair once again before retreating to the kitchen motioning Niall to join him at the table.

"Okay here's the deal. He had a rough night, but it isn't my place to share the details. He'll probably be moody, emotional, and will use not eating as a means of coping. I need you to not push him. If he eats the omelet, great but if he doesn't keep your cool and don't start any arguments with him. He's in a fragile state right now...." Harry said rubbing his lip with his thumb out of anxiety.

"Harry, I've been friends with him since high-school. Moody and emotional is his natural personality but Clay brings out the hopelessness in him....I promised his Mom I'd take care of him and if that means forcing this omelet down his throat, I will."

Yawning, Maisie appeared and sat down at the table. "I think Mr. Puke Breath is right..." She looked at Harry. "Don't push him sweetheart. Harry may not be able to hold his alcohol, but he is right about this."

Huffing, Niall surrendered. "Fine...."

"Good boy..." She said petting his hair like a dog. Niall purred into the touch and began to serve himself breakfast. "I can't believe our vacation finally begins tomorrow! 5 day of pure bliss. Our toes in the sand, sunrays beaming down. It's going to be so nice, babe!"

"Oh wow, that is tomorrow!" Niall exclaimed at the realization. "I wonder if Louis remembers...."

"Be a darling and get me some orange juice," Maisie said blowing him a kiss.

"Anything for you, gorgeous!" 

Harry shook his head in disbelief at how whipped he was before walking outside to pick some pansies to put on a serving tray to take to Louis. When he noticed a familiar black mustang parked on the curb, he rubbed his face in frustration.

"He must have followed us here last night...great!" 

He continued his mission, his concern increasing. He picked a handful of purple flowers before walking back into the apartment shutting the door and trying to forget about Clay being parked outside. He put the flowers in a mason jar before pouring some coconut water and plating the omelet and taking it to Louis.

"Breakfast!" He called. Louis groaned as he tried to once again sit up. "So, Niall's apparently going to the beach tomorrow on vacation with Maisie...."

"Yeah, it's their anniversary. Going to Panama Beach. They go every year," Louis shifted around trying to make himself comfortable. "This is actually good. You helped him make this, didn't you?" Louis tittered. 

"Guilty." Harry watched fondly as Louis put some of the vegetables in his mouth trying to avoid most of the eggs.

"The flowers are pretty too."

"Not as pretty as you," Harry took a pansy and tucked it behind Louis' ear, just like he had before. "What are your plans when Niall goes on vacation?"

"Well since its Spring break, I won't have any student teaching to do. Probably focus on my health some more....rest....the usual. What about you?

"The guy and I are renting a condo down by the boulevard. You should come! It's only for 3 days and we'll be back in plenty enough time to rest!" Harry exclaimed excitedly.

Louis contemplated the offer. "I don't have any money...."

"It's already paid for! You can share a room with me. Just think of like me returning the favor. Besides, you promised me to let me take you out, remember?"

"Okay. When are we leaving?"

"Tomorrow night. I have to go pack and everything. No pressure to go if you don't want to, promise!" Getting up, Harry smiled at him before poking his head back in the door. "I'll see you tomorrow! Thanks for taking care of my drunk ass!"

Louis giggled at him before making his way into the kitchen joining Niall and Maisie at the table with his omelet. It wasn't quite halfway finished but Niall took mental notes that Louis actually tried to eat it and was rather pleased. It was this moment he felt himself becoming the officially captain of the Harry and Louis ship.

"I love this bracelet, so cute!" Maisie exclaimed grabbing his wrist. Louis bit his lip trying to not show his discomfort. "Aww look at that little dragonfly charm. Isn't it so cute babe?" She cooed at Niall.

"The cutest," he winked at Louis. "So, you know we're leaving tonight. Do you need anything before we head out?"

"No.....just want you two love birds to have fun!" Louis cooed back.

"So, Harry's been sleeping over a lot lately...." Niall teased. "A whole lot. Enough to be comfortable jumping on my bed and vomiting in the middle of the night....and I believe a certain hedgehog put him up to it...."

"Oh, leave him alone sugarplum. We changed the sheets and went right back to sleep....I mean it was gross, but it wasn't the worse that could happen. They're so adorable together, I think. Haven't you noticed how he looks at you, Louis?" She squealed. "Oh my gosh!"

Louis felt his face grow flushed as he put his thumb nail in his mouth and smiled.

Harry looked at the size of his suitcase and the number of items he picked out to put in it and realized he made an error. He shifted his tongue to the side of his mouth getting lost in deep thought of what he should leave behind and what he should keep.

He began to pick up articles of clothing sorting them out one by one. He decided to keep a pair of shorts, 3 pairs of jeans, and 4 tops along with sandals, boots, and sneakers just in case. Then he chose one bottle of cologne, shampoo, and conditioner. Satisfied, he neatly organized his belongings before pointing his finger in the air as he made his way to his bathroom and grabbing personal massage oil and protection.

"Just in case," he hummed out-loud, hopeful. It wasn't that he was trying to rush things along with Louis It's just he was proud of himself for behaving and things were beginning to look optimistic so you never can be too prepared. 

The last item he placed in his luggage was gift-wrapped with a big bow. He smiled contently at it, trying to not wrinkle the present and zipped his suitcase.

He pulled on the handle and wheeled it out to the Range Rover waiting patiently outside. He used his muscles to lift it up and put it in an empty spot in the trunk.

"There you are, Harold!" Liam squealed. "So, I know you're usually my shotgun buddy but since I'm driving the first half....I kinda told Zayn...."

"Say no more!" Harry laughed as he pushed his hair out of his face. "I have a confession too....I invited Louis...."

Liam smirked. "Interesting. So, you two a thing yet or?"

"Nah. Not yet. Just friends."

"Suuuuuurreee," Liam teased. "You are staying over there tonight?"

"Nah. I think I'm going to give him space, but we'll pick him up in the morning." Harry reached above his head to shut the trunk as he and Liam walked back into the dorm.

~*~*~*~

Inside the apartment, Louis was enjoying having the house to himself. He turned the volume up on his music and began to dance around foolishly. The scale finally showed a weight loss of a couple ounces, making him pleased with himself.

If he had to be honest, he wished people understood that anorexia was not a forever darkness. Just like with any disease, you had good days as well. In fact, it had the ability to make one have extreme highs and despairingly lows. Today, was going to be a good day, he could feel it.

As he twirled his arms around and sang words loudly, he fell on his knees and continued the lyrics.

 _So let's let our hearts bleed_  
_Til they run to rust_  
_Gonna live it up_  
_Cause it's dangerous_  
_No I don't wanna play the part_  
_Just wanna dance with somebody_

As he got lost in the rhythm, he flinched when he heard a knock on the door. Eager, he opened it half expecting a curly haired giraffe but was highly disappointed.

"Louis...."

".....Clay? How do you know where I live?" Louis tried to shut the door, but Clay quickly put his foot in the door and squeezed in.

"Please, Louis....I just wanted to say I'm sorry about last night. I felt so bad about what happened last night and when you didn't reply to my text this morning, I stared freaking out because I am so glad you've decided to give me another chance and I don't want to lose it. I don't want you to move on with Harry...." Clay inched closer to him.

Louis tried to pull away, but Clay had a firm grasp on his waist, pinning their bodies together. "Just one kiss and it'll all start coming back....." Clay rested their foreheads together.

"Please...I don't want to...." Louis begged trying to wiggle out of the forceful embrace. He wished Niall was home.

Not listening, Clay connected their lips together for a few seconds. Realizing Louis wasn't kissing him back, he shoved him into the wall. "Come on, Lou. Stop acting all badass. We need to be civil..." He reconnected their lips, this time Louis cooperating.

"I just want to be left alone, Clay. Understand that!" Louis whimpered. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Before he could read the text, Clay grabbed the phone out of his hands and began to read the messages.

(iMessage)  
Harry: All packed and ready to go! We'll be there about 8 am. Rest tight with Froggo tonight.  
Harry: See you in the morning xx  


"Oh! Where are you going with Styles?" Clay scoffed.

"It's Spring Break, Clay. I can go anywhere I want. I don't belong to you anymore!" Louis spit fed up. "Please leave and give me my phone before I call the police!"

With that, Louis saw the familiar look in Clay's eye: the one where his pupils became dilated and malice took the forefront.

"You want your phone?!" Clay spat. Louis didn't flinch which appeared to ignite more malice within Clay. He gripped the phone tightly and struck Louis in the side of the head. The force caused Louis to fumble in the ground, falling on his stomach. He crawled toward the door telling himself he was going to run for it no matter if he had shoes on or not. He took pride in his sprinting skills; it was one of his best talents. (Though malnutrition was making his knees ache and slowing him down.)

Yet, his goal was not accomplished as Clay grabbed his ankles and pulled him back toward the door.

"I've been putting up with your disrespectful shit attitude for too long now, Louis. You have got to learn!" He grabbed onto Louis' hair and pulled him through the living room and into the kitchen. "Everyone feels sorry for you because you stopped eating. Most of the teammates blame me!"

He opened the fridge aggressively and began to pour milk on Louis' head. "Here! Have come calcium!" He opened the pickle jar and tipped the contents on him. "Pickles are packed with sodium...." Clay continued to throw food at Louis until he became bored.

"I can't let you be a slut for Styles. That hippie doesn't know you, Louis. I know your body inside out. I was your first everything...first real relationship, first time, first......" Clay counted on his fingers trying to recite their history. Louis took the opportunity to stand up and bolt for the door. 

"You fucking little...." Clay chased after him until he noticed that people in the duplex beside of them was staring out the window. He then decided to get in his car and drive away, squealing his tires as he did so.

The neighbors came out. "You alright?"

"Yeah, don't worry. He's just mad," Louis laughed.

"Do you need something?" The neighbor asked concerned.

"No, no. I'll be fine. I'm leaving for Spring Break tomorrow morning. Thanks though!" He waved as he walked back into his house.

With his head throbbing, he knew he needed to clean up the mess in the kitchen, but he couldn't. He didn't even have the energy into clean himself up. Instead, he positioned himself on the couch. He knew he should be crying, but he was too numb to the pain. Why was this his normal?

Before he fell asleep, he heard his phone vibrate. He slowly crept off the couch and picked it up, grateful that Clay hadn't taken it with him like he used to. He groaned when he saw small cracks in the screen.

(iMessage)  
Harry: I forgot to tell you to bring your swim attire Mr. Tomlinson

Louis contemplated what to do. Should he cancel going on the road trip? Should he spend the next week alone and wanting to die?

Not today.

Louis: Can you come over please  
Louis: No questions asked?  
Harry: Of course. On my way.

 **~*~*~*~*~**  


There are certain places that contain eerie feelings and when Harry walked on the small porch of the apartment, he became overwhelmed with a sense of sadness.

He cautiously entered the house and noticed things were thrown around and it had a strong stench of spoiled food. He looked around frantically for Louis, first checking his bedroom but didn't see him.

"Louis?!" He cried out as he ran over the couch.

He ran his finger over Louis' cheek, seeing a welt and a handprint. His eye was swollen but not black, and he had multiple scratches near his ear. His hair was tussled around, obvious that it had been pulled. His clothes were stained with food, wet and foul.

Harry got on his knees and removed Louis' clothes before cupping his face in his hands. "Are you okay?"

"No questions, remember?" Louis asked emotionless.

"Okay, no questions. You talk and I listen." Harry helped him up on his feet, revealing more contusions to his neck, chest, and back. He could see his ankles had bruises scattered around them and his knees were scuffed.

Louis stayed silent, swaddling his arms around his body – not wanting Harry to look at his physique.

"I fell," Louis contorted his face. "And I have a history of throwing food so...."

Understanding that it wasn't the time to talk about it, Harry trudged into the kitchen and redeemed a pan of warm water and a cloth. He sat Louis down at the kitchen table and began to clean him off gently. He scrubbed dry milk off his body until his hands hurt.

"You'll have to wash your hair....it has mustard in it...." He pouted.

Embarrassed, Louis put his head between his hands on the table before wincing at the pain.

Harry rubbed his back gently before going in the bathroom attached to Louis' room and running a bubble bath. When it was filled up, he draped Louis over his shoulder and put him up, boxers and all. He didn't want Louis to verbally protest the gesture.

He removed his socks and shoes and sat on the edge of the tub. He used the sprayer to wet Louis' hair and massage shampoo into it. He watched as Louis melted into the gesture, almost purring at the contact. He made sure to be careful as he massaged his scalp, trying to relieve some of the tension.

He used his thumb to push on some of the pressure points on Louis neck and back, feeling engorged stiffness and knots. Louis responded by resting his head on Harry's knees, melting at the relief.

"Will I be overstepping my boundaries if I give you a full-body massage? No funny business, promise!" Harry laughed. Louis nodded and tried to stand up but realized his right ankle was beginning to throb. Harry drained the water and cloaked a cottony towel around Louis.

He retrieved blankets out of the closet and set them up in the living room floor. He waited on Louis to dry himself off and lay down.

He looked up and grinned when he saw Louis in the lilac oversized sweater he wore previously.

"I love that on you!" He complimented "but shirt off. I need to see what I'm doing!"

"Close your eyes!" Louis demanded as he removed his sweater and quickly laid down on his chest. Harry hoovered over him, sitting down gently on the small of his back. He ran fingers in a circle motion on Louis' left shoulder, paying close attention to where he felt muscle strains. He squeezed the skin, making sure to get into the deep tissue.

Louis made small moaning noises, enjoying being pampered. When Harry pinched the neck and spinal bones, it felt like a burden had been released off his shoulders quite literally.

"Can I tell you something?" Louis offered.

"Anything."

"I think Clay is...stalking me...."

"How come?"

"He came here earlier....I didn't fall, Harry....or trash the kitchen.....at first, I was numb to it.....but now, I feel really afraid...and I know it sounds juvenile, but I feel really sad.....and hurting...."

Harry used his elbow to draw small circles in between Louis shoulder blades. He worked the skin trying to make him feel better physically. He understood Louis didn't just mean he was hurting in the bodily way but his spirit too.

"I feel like this is my fault. When I was picking your flowers earlier, I thought I saw him parked outside the curb, but I wasn't 100% sure. I should have given you a warning or something."

"No, I invited him in..." Louis confessed and tried to roll over on his back. Harry felt the gesture and stood up momentarily before sitting back down on Louis. When Louis straightened out his back, he almost shot up in pain, but Harry relaxed him by massaging his temples with his index and middle fingers.

"You don't deserve this, Lou. You and Niall are going to have to move."

"I know...him and Maisie are moving in together soon anyway. They're getting married in June. I guess I'll have to get my own place or come back to the dorms. Clay will graduate in May, so I'll be safe there again."

"You need to press charges! What are you going to do until May?" Harry asked sliding down and picking up Louis' left ankle, reflexing it up and down.

"I don’t want to. Just please stop talking about it!" Louis bit his lip and turned his head to the side, trying to hide the single tear that was rolling down his sharp cheekbone. Not missing it, Harry wiped it away. Their gaze met just for a minute, enough to give him butterflies in his stomach but also heartache in his soul; he didn't understand how anyone could hurt Louis – who was both rugged, metro, and feminine at the same time.

The longer he stared, the more emotional he became. Harry felt his lip quivering before blinking away a couple of tears. He ran his hand down Louis' arm, not sure if he was comforting him or himself. Sniffling, Louis sat up and placed himself in Harry's lap, wrapping his legs around him, allowing himself to express his feelings for the first time.

He buried his face deep into Harry's chest, muffling a loud sob that was involuntarily coming from his mouth. Harry stroked his back, tears falling from his eyes too.

"I promise tomorrow you're going to have a good time and if you're too sore, I'll carry you everywhere. I don't care to..." Harry whispered in his ear. "Not one bit."

Louis didn't reply with words, just pushed himself farther into Harry's protective body, feeling safe for the first time since coming to university. 

"I don't want to be your little project, Harry!"

"Project? Louis, don't let him gaslight you."

"Clay said nobody will ever love me because I'm too needy, emotional, and stupid. I'm fat, gross, and bad in bed. I'm overbearing, clingy, and lack common sense. Don't feel sorry for me, Harry. I've already accepted what I am." Louis looked up at him for a second, emerald meeting sapphire.

"You're not a project, experiment, or anything of the sorts. I am here because you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be loved, Louis. God. I used to go to the games with Liam and pine over you. You were so attractive....and then, I finally had a class with you and learned you had a beautiful soul to match. I was so bummed to learn you were taken...." He giggled. "We noticed when it all changed. Niall told Liam he suspected you were being mistreated....so I started to look for the signs. They were all there....and I was going to intervene, but Niall beat me to it."

"You liked me?"

"No, Louis, I like you. All of you."

"Even my...." Louis hesitated. "Disease?"

"I understand. It's why I gave you my bracelet, remember? All of you." He repeated. "I think I've told you that before, but you never told me....Do you like me, too?"

Louis blushed and looked down at the ground. "I think...I like you....an awful lot....but I'm petrified."

Harry smiled big enough to let his dimple show.

"You can't stay here tonight....he'll come back to apologize. Come back to the dorm with me, please? I'll clean up the mess in the kitchen. Have you packed yet?" He asked as Louis nodded 'no.' He helped him on his feet and moved toward the kitchen, covering his nose at the stench. " Go and pack your things. I got this."

Louis looked back at him one more time before retreating to his room. He grabbed his suitcase out of the closet and began to fill it with clothes, not even bothering to fold them. He grabbed his toiletries and the stuffed frog. On top, he placed the snuggie, feeling vulnerable and defenseless. He shut the suitcase and sat down on his bed, sobbing once more.

Harry could hear the noise from the kitchen and let go of the mop, listening to the wooden handle echo through the house as it hit the tiled floor. He scooped Louis up in his arms, stroking his hair and letting him weep again.

"I'm sorry!" Louis exclaimed.

"Shh," Harry soothed him. "Come on, let's go! It'll help you to get out of here."

Harry cupped Louis' hand in his, trying to fight the urge to lace their fingers together. He opened the door for him and hopped into the driver’s seat. He turned the car on and fastened his seatbelt. As he put the car in reverse, he saw the black mustang pulling out on a nearby street.

He called the only person he knew capable of taking care of a situation such as this.

"....Zayn? I have a code black."


	10. 10. Treat You Better (Than He Can)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! <3 This chapter has mentions of abuse and anorexia. I really hope it isn't too heavy. Suggestions are greatly appreciated. As stated before, I posted this on wattpad last year and really wanted to revamp it and give it its full potential here. 
> 
> National Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Though he didn't spare any details, Zayn informed Harry through text that operation code black was a success and they'd discuss it later. He put his aviators on his face and looked out the window of the Range Rover, smiling at Liam.

In the second row of seats was Shawn, Ed, and for some reason, Taylor. With a small acoustic guitar in his lap, Ed began to play chords and hum the beginning of a song he was writing in her direction.

Harry and Louis stayed cuddled up in the third-row seats. Louis tried to cover the gloomy bruising on his cheek with foundation graciously applied by Taylor but every-time the sun hit it the right way, Harry clenched his fist with thoughts of murdering the soccer team captain.

"I am glad you agreed to come along on such short notice!" Ed stopped playing his guitar.

"Ah, don't worry about it. I think you're kinda cute and I didn't have any plans anyway." Taylor giggled. "But just know if we play 21 Questions or Truth or Dare later, you're going to explain what happened to your face, Louis," she said pointing her finger at him.

Harry protectively wrapped his arm around Louis, pulling him closer to him.

"Turn the radio on!" Shawn whined.

Today, their Spring Break began, and they were making their way to Sunset Boulevard which was a few hours away from their University. They've had the condo paid for months. Nobody knew that Harry used to come with his family often. It was at a concert when he was 19 that he had an epiphany: he hated himself. He watched everyone appear to be comfortable in their skin while he felt less than, almost not human. That is the day he decided to let his hair grow out to cover his face. The day he decided food was the enemy. The day he lost his voice of reason.

He wanted to revisit the concert hall and expose his new self: the one who thought of his long hair as an asset, not a cover up.

"Tell us one of your famous jokes!" Liam shouted back at Harry over the radio.

"Ok...um...." Harry looked down at Louis for a second, smiling when he realized Louis was already looking at him. "Where do sharks go on vacation?"

"Oh God...." Zayn groaned covering his face in embarrassment.

"Finland!" Harry laughed making the famous drum noise as everyone joined Zayn.

"He always tells that one!" Zayn sniggered. "You're such a dork, Harold."

"Can it, Malik!" Harry teased. "Do you have a better one?"

"No, the only one I know are yours.... why did the witch stay in the hotel?"

Harry whispered in Louis' ear. "This is a good one, listen."

"I don't know. Why Babe?" Liam asked taking his hand, keeping his left one on the steering wheel.

"She heard they had great broom service."

Harry burst out laughing, followed by everyone else.

The rest of the car-ride entailed much of the same. Harry and Zayn put their best effort into making Louis laugh. Though he felt bad, Zayn promised Harry he wouldn't let Liam know what happened just yet as he was afraid Niall would be called. He thought Louis should be the one to tell Niall himself since it involved living arrangements.

Shawn looked around the car at all the pairs and sighed heavy in his chest wondering if he would feel like a third wheel the entire time, especially since when they first paid for the condo, it was just he, Liam, Ed, and Harry going as friends but now they all seemed to have someone.

When they arrived at the condo, they all jumped out and found a restroom. It was a long car ride. After taking care of business, they were ready to hit the city. It was the afternoon and the weather had cooled down a lot.

"I say we hit the strip!" Liam exclaimed excitedly as everyone agreed.

When they arrived, they smiled at all the lights on the rides. Louis huddled close to Harry as he walked, feeling a bit overwhelmed at all the people. Truth be told, his body was still very sore, and he did not feel his best.  He could see people staring at him out of the corner of his eye as the makeup began to disappear due to the humidity in the air.

Perceiving the distress, Harry protectively interlocked their arms together. "We won't stay long," he whispered as Louis nodded.

"I don't want to ruin your fun," Louis whispered back but Harry wasn't having it.

"You are my fun..." Harry retorted back as he jogged toward the gigantic Ferris Wheel.

When it was finally their turn, the operator buckled them in and told them to enjoy the view of the beautiful city. Louis put his head on Harry's shoulder and did just that.

"So many lights in LA... such a busy city but up here, it's calm. It's just you and me."

Harry pulled him in closer to him. "You get me...I was thinking the same thing."

He felt his stomach growling. It was always odd when he felt the hunger sensation. Used to, he lived for it. It let him know he was doing a good job at not eating, but the more he leaned toward recovery, he realized how much he truly hated it. The uncomfortable noise, the nausea. He was pleased that he could think of food as nourishment for his body and how some of it even taste wonderful. He hoped he'd be able to share that with Louis someday.

"I wonder what we're doing for dinner...." He said making small talk.

"I've been craving seafood, I think..." Louis replied.

"Sounds wonderful, Lou. I wouldn't mind making a crab boil though I'm sure everyone wants to go out instead," Harry laughed.

When the Ferris Wheel stopped, they planted their feet on the ground and followed loud drums. Harry paid for a beer from a vendor and began to dance. He reached out his hand for Louis to take and began to spin him around. They heard "aww" from the crowd but that didn't stop them from having fun.

As Louis felt his headache increase, he wasn't sure if it was from his lack of nourishment or assault, he received the day prior (more than likely both.) He felt unsteady on his feet. As Harry tried to twirl him around, he stumbled. His ankle throbbed, though the pain never fully subsided from yesterday.

Catching him, Harry rushed to a nearby bench.

"About that seafood...." Harry began to group text everyone, telling them it was time for dinner. "Hop on!" He demanded, lowering his body so Louis could latch onto him piggyback style.

Though tourist were hovering around the Boulevard, he was pleasantly surprised to see the restaurant wasn't too full. The hostess shot him and Louis a strange look which made Harry grip Louis' legs tighter, shielding him from the negativity of the world.

She walked them over to a large booth and it wasn't long before everyone else joined them.

"I think I'm going to get the Colossal Chest!" Shawn exclaimed reading the menu. Of course, he'd choose the largest proportioned item on the menu. Harry wondered why his metabolism allowed him to eat whatever he wanted without punishment. Louis mentally added the calories and tried to hide his disdain.

"Good thing the Condo is within walking distance because it's late night happy hour!" Liam pointed out enthusiastically. "Long Island Iced Tea for you, babe. I think I'll order me a coke and jack...."

"Sounds good," Zayn nodded.

Harry noticed Louis struggling to decide and placed his hand over the menu, not allowing him to read anymore. "

"I'm sorry. I want to have a good time...." Louis pouted, disappointed in himself. "I think I'm going to order a glass of wine with some mussels or scallops."

"Sounds lovely!" Harry took Louis' menu away and placed it behind is own. "If you get the mussels, I recommend white wine."

Louis looked down at the table, shy. Harry always sounded so soft and endearing, something he wasn't used to be hearing.

"I think I'll either have the fish and chips or the blackened tilapia..." Ed mumbled. "What about you, Taylor?"

"Shrimp scampi," she retorted, still grazing the menu. "I really appreciate you inviting me. Who knew trying to seduce Mr. Styles over there would introduce me to you instead?”

Harry and Ed both blushed, not knowing what to say back. Taylor smirked before biting down on her straw sensually at Ed.

Moments later, the waiter took their orders and brought out their alcoholic beverages. Louis looked down at his glass, suddenly regretting ordering the empty calories. Logic was swimming in his head that he wanted to have a good time to repay Harry for all that he's done for him lately but the small voice in his head controlling in his diet was making him feel conflicted.

Harry took a sip of is chardonnay and beamed at him, tenderly, trying to encourage him that it was okay. Smiling back, Louis mirrored the sip and made a 'mmm' noise. It had been so long since he had a sweet beverage, much less upscale wine.

"This is so delectable!" He giggled. Everyone watched on as he went from gracefully sipping the wine to gulping it down, asking for another refill.

Harry patted his thigh under the table, reassuring him. Louis returned the gesture by placing his head on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around his waist, and pulling himself closer to him.

The table erupted into synchronized laughter as Zayn put two straws in his mouth imitating a walrus. Liam planted a kiss on his cheek. It was as if a switched was flipped because the table appeared to be competing with who could be the most comedic until the waitress brought out their trays of food.

Then Louis felt his mood changing. He stared at the large plate of mussels covered in white creamy sauce, garlic, and lemon and squeezed his eyes shut. His nostrils were being filled with an appetizing aroma, making his stomach growl at the anticipation.

Wanting to gain control, he took another sip of wine before putting the shell in his mouth, letting the contents slide down his throat and repeating the motion until all the mussels lay empty. Once the waiter took his empty plate away, he twirled his bracelet and sipped on more wine.

He felt tipsy, indeed, but not inebriated.  He sat patiently watching everyone finish their food, observing how they can carelessly put the bites in their mouth and carry on a conversation like they were doing something  _nice_  for themselves. He tried to remember when he was able to do that, but it was blurry.

"Want to go back to the room?" Harry asked pushing his plate of coconut shrimp away (well only thing left was the skewers).

"Thought you'd never ask!" Louis chortled as he clumsily stood up and hopped back on Harry's back. Harry motioned Liam to reach in his pocket for his wallet laying a $50 down for his and Louis' food and tip.

He walked Louis up the stairs of their massive shared room in the condo. As he tried to take the step before he reached the top, he felt slightly off balance and tripped, both falling.

"You clumsy giraffe!" Louis teased, giggling as he crawled over to Harry who was resting on his back enjoying the imaginary stars on the ceiling. He climbed on top of him and rested his palms on the floor, each hand on either side of Harry's shoulders.

The laughing stopped once eyes gazed deep. "Hi," Harry breathed in, feeling his bodily function failing him.

"Hi," Louis smiled. The room was quiet for a few more seconds. Louis allowed his gape to travel down to Harry's plump lips. He stayed fixated on them, his mind feeling free of anxiety. Harry could tell that Louis was contemplating on what to do. He broke the eye-contact, shutting his, and embracing himself for when Louis was going to get up and run away.

But that isn't what happened at all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Louis inched closer to Harry, rubbing their noses together. Harry placed his hands in the back of Louis' jeans pockets and pressed slightly, trying to bring him closer to his face. Yet as the gap was just about to close between them, Louis stood up an acted as if nothing happened. Awkwardness erupted in the atmosphere.

"I'm sorry," he said as he made his way back down the stairs and sat on a large sectional in the middle of the condo.

It took Harry a few minutes to become oriented and wrap his head around what just unfolded. His internal dialogue immediately turned negative.  _Well that was just too soon. He hasn't even let me take him out yet. I think I just blew all my chances._

Initially, he wanted to retreat to his room and hide for the rest of the night he instead utilized his healthy coping skills and decided it was best to deescalate and salvage what he could.

He swayed down the stairs, the alcohol still giving him a slight buzz, and sat down beside Louis.

"Don't apologize, Lou." He folded his feet together, resting his knees in the couch.

Louis didn't reply nor look in Harry' direction. He stretched his leg out on the couch, feeling a slight ache still lurking in his ankle. Though the alcohol was dulling the pain somewhat, it was still was very bothersome. Louis could feel himself sweating, wondering if he would be well enough to play for the season as he was previously benched for lack of stamina. Maybe it's what Clay wanted, to make sure he couldn't continue. It wouldn't surprise Louis one bit. He always knew all the ways to make him suffer the most.

Observing his discomfort, Harry decided to give his calves another massage, focusing predominantly on Louis' right ankle. They stared at each other on opposite ends of the couch, smiling somewhat, but not saying a word. 

"I'm next in line. These heels are killing me!" Taylor exclaimed as she barged through the door, slipping out of her shoes. She sat on the edge of the couch behind Louis. Harry gave her a  _I don't think so look_ , and with that, she got up and made her way toward Ed. "Well you guys are lame!" She scoffed. "Since we're all tipsy, I say we play two truths and a lie."

Liam and Zayn came through the door, holding each other up and laughing at an inside joke. Shawn wasn't far behind them, stumbling as he tried to shut the door.

 _I'm not drunk enough for this,_ Harry thought.  _Or maybe I'm just drunk enough._

Most gathered around the sectional while Zayn opted to sit in Liam's' lap on the chair adjacent.

"I'll go first," she sassed. "I am 5'7, I have natural blonde hair, and I lost my virginity at 20."

The room analyzed her before Shawn spoke up. "Your lie is you lost your virginity at 20." 

"How'd you know?" She asked playfully pushing him.

"Lucky guess..." He sarcastically retorted. "Ok um.... I’m from Canada, My middle name is Peter Raul, and I'm a Libra...."

"Bullshit," Ed coughed. "You're not a Libra because we attended your birthday early August. You, my friend, are a Leo." Shawn blushed as Ed continued the game.

Harry mostly tuned everyone out as he caught glimpses of Louis with his peripheral vision. He could see the bruising still on his face, the wounds on his arms, and the overall melancholy of his state of being. He was not underweight, but he wasn't healthy – mentally or emotionally.

"Um..." he heard the soft but rugged voice speak. "I won MVP in high-school...."

 _Check,_ Harry smiled.

"I have a lot of sisters...."

_Check, wait does he?_

"These bruises are from me falling...."

_Oh no._

"Louis!" Zayn jumped off Liam's lap, consoling him instantly, though he wasn't crying. "I took care of it, don't worry," he whispered in his ear.

"I don't get it!" Taylor shrugged. "You don't have a lot of sisters?"

"I do..." Louis said patting Zayn on the back, signaling him to let go.

Harry bit his nail, looking on, wondering what was going to become of the conversation. Was everyone too drunk to provide Louis the catharsis he was needing at the moment?

Liam knew. Harry could tell Liam knew. Zayn probably told him. He followed Zayn's lead and hugged him tightly for a second before releasing. "Always here for you, Mate."

Shawn and Ed looked around the room, too drunk to put the pieces together. "I give up. Which one is a lie?" Ed asked curiously.

Louis walked over to the sink, splashing water on his face and revealing the bruising that turned a color of charcoal and dirty paint water. He removed his shirt an turned around to let everyone see his injuries. Too drunk to feel vulnerable, he scoffed. "I guess there is no lie. I fell.... into Clay's fist repeatedly."

" _You can't leave me, Louis. I'm not done breaking you down. You must lose your virginity to me, Louis, because I must have you. You must give up your only talent because I'm going to make you doubt yourself. I hit you, Louis, but it must stay a secret because nobody will believe you anyway._ So yeah, I fell." Louis dropped on his knees, assertiveness in his tone of voice.

The room fell quiet.

Harry, concerned, knelt beside of him. Louis gave him an affirmed look, telling him to continue the game since it would be his turn. Harry clumsy tried to help him up but of course, like always tripped over his own feet landing both on their backs.

Though the room was spinning, they decided to stay complacent. "Hmm....2 truths and a lie.... I love Pilates, my favorite drink is cherry cola, and I would love it if Louis kissed me right now."

Many wolf whistles and cat callings were heard. Harry could hear a very feminine  _aww that's so sweet_. He looked at Louis who had his mouth open, surprised and taken aback by his drunk confidence. Liam and Zayn began to make bets if Louis was going to kiss him or not and Taylor watched as if she was right in the scene from a romance novel. Shawn scratched his head in confusion, wondering what was happening.

"You want me to kiss you, Styles?" Louis reached out and caressed his cheek. Harry closed his eyes in anticipation.

Louis briskly stood up on his feet, trying to skip up the stairs but slowing down when the ankle pain set in. "Then catch me! I'm locking the door. If you don't make it up here by the time that happens...."

Harry instantly tried to run up the stairs in all his poise and grace. Nature and genetics were on his side for his endeavor, his long legs could easily skip a few stairs. Just as he saw Louis about to close the door, he put his arm in it to stop him.

Louis giggled at his determination.

"I know you didn't mean it. You aren't really going to kiss me. You just wanted to get away from everyone without ruining the mood because of what happened, didn't you?" Harry asked putting the pieces together.

"I just need a rain check on that," Louis inched closer to him. He could feel Harry's breath on his face, creating soft vibrations. He recalled Harry's confession about alcohol making him horny and wondered if that was the case in this moment. He pressed his hips forward, catching a small caress and realizing it was indeed true.

He wrapped his around Harry's neck, pulling him closer. They stood that way for a few minutes, keeping their eyes closed.

Harry wanted to make a move. It was taking everything in his being not to. He most certainly wasn't crazy, was he? He knows Louis feels this too.... his lower body pressed up against his own is giving it all away.

But he knew he couldn't. Louis had lost control over his life long ago. The first time Clay mentally abused him before physically doing so, the first time he refused to eat, when his mom was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently losing her. Harry wanted to be a choice in Louis' life, not an obligation because Louis is too sweet to hurt anyone's feelings.

Louis inched closer to him before whispering, "You give really good massages."

Giggling, Harry clutched onto him tightly, resting his face on the top of Louis' head. "Thank you."


	11. Powerless & I Don't Care, It's Obvious

"I'm so tired!" Louis whined. He laid down carefully, trying not to complain as he rolled over on his right side. He wasn't sure why this time had hurt so much. If he were to be honest, Clay had been much more aggressive in previous times, but of course, he had much more muscle back then. He had more spirit, and quite frankly, he could breathe a little. People change though; like most everything.

"Me too," Harry said slipping in the bottom trundle bed. "Have you heard from Niall any?"

"Yeah...I told him what happened with Clay and he was beyond pissed. He said we'd talk about it more when we got home. He and Maisie are having drinks by the shore," Louis looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know much about you, Harry." He suddenly stated, changing the subject.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...I feel like we talk about me all the time," Louis shrugged. "I'd just like to hear about you, too, sometimes...." He bit his bottom lip.

Harry looked up at him and propped his head on his elbow. "Okay, my name is Harry. I have green eyes, stand at 6'1. For a living, I am a freelance writer. My last piece was published in the school newspaper about how we should clean the ravine more," He blushed. "I used to be really maladapted and lacked basic coping skills to function correctly in society until I made a commitment to myself."

Louis closed his eyes, listening to Harry's deep, yet soothing voice. Harry continued to give Louis a synopsis into his life. "I've slept with more people than I've had relationships with but that's only because during that dark period, I found it easier. Too much maintenance in relationships, especially when someone isn't taking care of themselves. How could I ever take care of someone else? It wasn't practical. I just wanted to feel good because...." Harry swallowed thickly. "Because not eating makes you feel like death everyday."

_Yes, it does._

"When I had you in class before, I couldn't tell," Louis blurted out. "At the diner, you ate your cheeseburger without hesitation. You didn't look any different than you do now...except your hair is a bit longer." He giggled.

"Yeah I was better then....I think of food as something positive now." Harry shrugged. "But believe me when I tell you, Lou, I understand." He reached up and stroked his arm lightly.

Louis smiled at him for a moment, feeling the soft caress. It felt nice and soothing, like little butterflies fluttering their wings on the hairs of his arm.

"Harry?"

"Hmm....."

Louis crawled down from the twin bed, the wine still slightly buzzing in his ears. He crawled in a very small space, his back resting on the railing of his twin bed. He draped one arm over Harry, pressing his hand into the mattress.

They stared at each-other for a moment, heavy breathing the only sound to be heard. Harry licked his lips, wondering if this was going to lead to Louis crawling back up to his own bed and uttering  _goodnight._ He stayed completely still, letting him have full control.

Louis squinted. Though it was dark, he could make out the silhouette of Harry perfectly as if he already had him memorized. He brushed their noses together, testing the emotion that was filling his soul.

"Want to know something else about me?" Harry whispered. Louis nodded. "I'm completely gone for you."

Louis exhaled profoundly. He bit his bottom lip. His thoughts were overwhelming him. With each ache in his body, he could hear his brain tell him to stay away from relationships, people, and anybody who would compromise his wellbeing or hurt him again.

But he never was one to listen to logic.

He placed the hand that was previously holding him up behind Harry's neck, staring at his emerald eyes shimmering in the moonlight. He tugged slightly, sending the message he wanted Harry to close the gap between them, and without hesitation, Harry did just that.

With their lips together but not parted, Louis explored the wine-filled sensation of having warmth surrounding him. Harry's lips were soft, moisturized, and plump. They felt like silk on his own, which was slightly dry from not drinking enough fluids and licking them as an anxious habit.

It was as if Harry could hear his thoughts because he tried to eagerly silence his mind by placing a hand on the small of his back, just beneath his jutting ribs and gently pushed their torsos closer. Louis responded by opening his mouth; something Harry was hoping for.

The smell of coconut shampoo filled his nostril as Harry had a thin strand of curly hair draped over their noses. He could taste the white wine still, though only slightly.

Louis pulled him down even farther, their mouths moving in unison. Harry kissed him gently, lightly brushing their tongues together, forming a waltz only they knew the rhythm to. Yet, Louis wasn't satisfied, at least not completely for it wasn't the softness he craved. The alcohol and months of not feeling wanted or safe made him yearn for something much more passionate and fulfilling.

He gripped onto Harry's bare shoulder, trying to push them even more impossibly close. Harry responded by moaning quietly in his throat and circling him. As he lay on his back, he brushed the coconut scented strand from his face, and tangled them together, parting one leg so Louis was in-between his thighs now. Though he was trying to refrain from becoming dominate in the situation, he wasn't having much luck.

Louis could feel Harry's growing muscle pressing against his own situation. His body grinded against him slightly, feeling tiny nerve signals with each movement. He tried to scoot up, so he could gain more friction, but he was suddenly interrupted.

"Ow, my hair!" Harry exclaimed as Louis looked down to see his palm slightly tugging Harry's hair by accident.

"I guess you don't have a hair pulling kink. Fully noted." He giggled as he removed his hand and continued with his task.

As if the previous seconds didn't happen, Harry shut his eyes and felt the sensations flooding through his body. Louis was rolling his hips, the friction causing Harry to harden even more, leaking tiny ribbons of precome.

Louis wasn't sure where this sexual assertiveness was coming from. If he were to be honest, he was anxiety-ridden at the moment. Since his only experience was Clay, he wondered if Harry would think he was skilled and knew what he was doing. Clay had cheated on him so many times and told him how boring he was in bed...what if it were true? Besides, they didn't even have a title, had a  _proper_  date, or discovered their feelings fully.

"Lou...." Harry opened his eyes, becoming oriented to his silhouette in the darkness. "I can tell you're thinking. We can stop."

Louis looked down at Harry, biting his lip and considering the offer. He did want to stop in a way, but another force was driving him to continue; a desire that was more than hormones or curiosity. It was a power telling him that it was okay, he was safe, and he deserved it.

So, he took full advantage.

He scuttled down the bed and sat on his feet, peeling Harry's boxers back. He forgot how exciting and nerve-racking a first sexual encounter could be.

His eyes widened at the sight in front of him. He couldn't differentiate if it was the chiseled v-line or what, but he found himself growing harder with lust. He tried to be playful and not greedy but was finding the task challenging.

He looked up at Harry who had his eyes closed, and head slightly tilted back. Louis smiled, feeling more comfortable knowing Harry wasn't staring at him. He didn't want to feel self-conscious at the moment.

He gripped onto Harry's length at the bottom, moving up and down slightly, smearing precome as he did so. Harry groaned in his throat, flexing his thighs. Louis took the hint and licked a stripe up and down the length, proceeding to earn small approval grunts.

He licked the head softly, twirling his pointed tongue around the head a few times as Harry gently placed his head in his hair.

"This feel ok?" Louis suddenly stopped. He looked up at Harry who still had his head tilted back and lips parted.

"Mmm," he replied still gripping his hair.

Feeling satisfied with the response, Louis put the entire shaft in his mouth, swallowing involuntarily as his throat felt tickled. The sensation wasn't foreign to him as he often induced vomiting when he could not take the feeling of being full any longer after eating, but this type of gagging provided much more pleasurable endorphins.

Feeling wolfish, Harry used his long arms to his advantage, easily reaching for Louis' own pleasure line. However, when Louis swatted his hand away, he shot him a confused look.

"Nu-uh. This is about you..." Louis growled. With the shaft still in his mouth, he swirled his tongue around the head as he used his hand to create friction on the rest of the length.

Not being one to argue, Harry let his eyes roll in the back of his head as he enjoyed the prickling sensations. He felt his toes curl as his lower body pooled with blood, making his temperature rise.

"You're close, huh?" Louis teased as Harry let out a whimper in reply. He tried to release his mouth to produce more mischievousness, but Harry kept his head complacent, pushing lightly on the back of his skull. Louis enjoyed the feedback, often questing if he was doing a good job.

Feeling confident, he swirled his tongue a few more times picking up his pace. He could feel Harry buck his hips forward, stiffening his body in pleasure.

Without warning, he felt liquid expelling down his throat, his body immediately beginning to swallow it. He could feel Harry pulsing before placing his back on the bed, wiping sweat from his brow.

No words were exchanged as Louis nestled himself into Harry's arms. Feeling exhausted, Harry lazily petted his jawline with his thumb, feeling immense delight still jolting through his body.

"That was unexpected," Harry hummed. "But totally amazing!"

"Thank you," Louis blushed as he wiped his mouth on the side of Harry's body, tasting salty skin.

"Maybe tomorrow I can return the favor," He peeked down at Louis and swore he saw a smile.

"I don't put out before the first date!" Louis teased. Harry went to argue but Louis placed his finger on his swollen lips. "Don't even say it, this doesn't count. You were irresistible."

They laid in the darkness, both staring at a shadow on the wall created by the bright California moon. Though it was silent, it was not an awkward. Harry continued to pet Louis' jawline, wondering how he got so lucky to have the one thing he desired most safely in his arms, out of the dangers of the world.

Louis lay thinking about if all of this would go away eventually, once Harry realized the effort it would take to put into a relationship with him. Maybe he was just being blinded by the honeymoon phase and had a personality that felt the need to take care of someone else. But what about when the real Louis emerged? The one who was sassy, sarcastic, and playful? Would he be interested then, too? Would he able to handle his love of shimmery things? Yet, he had no room for argument as Harry was handling him at his very worse: scared, broken, and helpless; driven by the cruelty of the world. He had been abused by Clay and himself.

"Harry...." Louis mumbled, his throat feeling a little irritated and overused. "I don't want us to be temporary.... if and when we happen.... I'd rather us not start at all...and I don't want you to be a fuckboy just to get in my pants. Please tell me your intentions right here, right now...."

Before he could reply, Harry felt his side growing wet. He moved his thumb up to Louis' eyes, wiping away tears that were just about to fall from his waterline.

"I know you're having a hard time trusting me and letting me in but I'm not going anywhere, Lou. Words won't fix this. You're just going to have to stick around and experience all the things I have planned for you. You're a flower who has endured the most disastrous of weather. I'll mend your petals with nurturing patience and love, and when you're ready, I'll move you into a bigger pot. Until then, I'll meet you where you're at and provide you with nutrients and water."

"You really are a free-lance writer," Louis diverted the subject. "I think you're right.... words won't fix this. I just don't want to feel bad and hyper-vigilant all the time. When you tried to pleasure me, I got scared...."

"I know...." Harry breathed in. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'll take it slower next time. I have all the time in the world for you, Mr. Tomlinson. Until you can believe my words, I want you to believe in this instead," He tilted Louis chin up, connecting their lips together. They moved against each-other, sensually and compassionately. "Because I believe in you....in us...."

Louis sniffled, burying his head deeper into Harry's arm so he couldn't look in his eyes. "It's so easy to say that, Harry. You're the first person to ever make me question if Clay was the one for me or not. I'm terrified. You're amazingly handsome, inside out. You'll get tired of me.... but for tonight, I'm going to pretend I deserve this." He wiped his tears one more time as he straddled Harry's stomach, placing himself on top of him and kissing him fervently.

Harry succumbed into him for a moment before pulling away for a second. "I'm going to pretend you believe me but I'm the one who don't deserve you," he sighed as he connected their lips together again.

With their lips entangled, they continued to shower each other with affection until Louis felt his eyelids grow heavy and placed his head just under the crook of his neck. Though his whole body was pressed into Harry's, it was as if he wasn't there at all. Harry noticed how he was light as a feather. He could use his shoulder bones poking out in the darkness.

Just before falling asleep, he debated if he should focus more on trying to get Louis better than earning his trust to starting a relationship, but deep down he knew his hands were tied with the eating disorder. That was Louis' own personal recovery and trying to interfere would only create distance between them. Though he wanted to carry him to the path of recovery, he couldn't; he could only walk beside him.

He ran his hand down his body, counting each spinal bone as he did so. Though Louis did look unhealthy, he did not appear emaciated. Sometimes, he could produce a glow on a good day. His body was thin, though, and his muscles were slowly deteriorating; only showing if he flexed.

Harry stopped himself from analyzing him any farther when felt the tight knots from Clay's fist under his skin, choosing to instead squeeze him tightly before rolling him off him, letting him use his arm as a pillow.

He pressed a kiss gently to his temple, watching as it produced a slight grin from Louis' sleeping body. Just before he drifted away, he pondered on why Louis had so much power over him, making him utterly whipped. Shrugging, he instead accepted his defeat, realizing he enjoyed the powerlessness.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There was no noise to be heard in the condo as everyone lay sound asleep except for a tall, curly haired man who loved cooking cracking eggs and beating them with a whisk. He seasoned the eggs in the pan and began to add some cream, making sure they would be fluffy. When they were to the desired consistency, he put them on the table next to the bacon, sausage, and waffles he had already prepared.

Breakfast had always triggered him during his active phase of his eating disorder. The greasy meats and carb packed pancakes, toast, hash browns and butter would often send him into what felt like torment. It was a time when his body would tell him to eat; he needed to eat, yet his mind was filled with fits of rage and sorrow. When did eating, something high on the Maslow's Hierarchy of needs become a part of death instead?

With empathy in mind of Louis' suffering, he placed pineapple, strawberries, and blackberries in a small bowl along with Greek yogurt and a zip lock bag of granola. He was trying to keep his distance and give Louis the autonomy to choose his own diet, but he also understood the dire need to feed him nourishment. He was already showing the dreadful signs of osteoporosis as his ankle wasn't much better since Clay hurt it days prior.

"Someone got lucky last night," Liam walked in the kitchen, yawning, in his checkered robe.

"What are you talking about?" Harry tucked his lips between his teeth, trying to hide his grin.

"You have that.... glow. The one that says your needs got fulfilled and what have you," Liam waved his hand around carelessly as she pulled out a chair and sat at the table. "Besides, you must be in an awful good mood to wake up this early and cook a gourmet breakfast......so how far did you go?"

Giggling, Harry ignored him and continued with making Louis' breakfast look eye-pleasing. Maybe that would be enough to convince him to eat a few bites.

"It wasn't anything like that," Harry smiled. Liam shot him a suspicious look. "Oh, you'll never know. Go and hug up to Zayn," he teased.

Liam pinched some eggs with his fingers, sneaking a bite as Harry slapped his wrist playfully, signaling there is no food to be eaten until everyone else wakes up. Realizing the plan, Liam decided to take matters into his own hands and use his lighter to set off the fire alarm.

When everyone came running out of their rooms, he reset the alarm and sat at the table.

"Great, you're all here! Now sit down. Betty Crocker over here won't let me eat until we're all together singing Kumbaya."

Groaning, everyone cussed under their breath but followed his orders.

"Jesus mate, there were more pleasant ways to do that!" Ed said putting his head on the table.

"Yeah, like, for real!" Taylor moaned.

Not replying, Liam began to prepare his food for himself and Zayn who already kissed him on the cheek twice.

With his phone clutched tightly in his hand, Louis read over his text messages repeatedly. His mind whirled with negative thoughts. First, he was here in this condo eating breakfast with his friends, the people he used to be close to. The ones who cared enough about him to make him paintings and buy him candles when he was going through a hard time. He felt guilty that he isolated himself for so long, it was difficult to start conversation and do normal friend things anymore. He hoped one day he could be normal again and a social butterfly who everyone loved instead of worried about and pitied.

Secondly, he was slightly hungover from last night. He glanced at Harry who was already staring at him and felt his headache growing. He wasn't sure why he decided to pleasure him, but he felt both excited and scared that he did so. What did that mean moving forward?

He wasn't sure if he was ready for commitment or not still. Clay had been spam texting him this morning and Louis wasn't even sure what to say to him.

 _(iMessage)_  
_Clay: Miss you. Hope to see you soon. Checked your apartment but you aren't here...._  
_Clay: I love you, you know._

Zayn peeked over his shoulder, reading the text. He debated if he should tell Louis his 'code black' confession but decided against it. It was a secret between him and Harry, and even though he was closer with Louis, he never exposed his secrets – no matter what.

Harry poured Louis some apple juice and smiled at him contently, hoping Louis would return the gesture but he didn't. He placed his phone down and turned his attention to his plate, arranging the fruit by type, putting each in their own little corner on his plate. Then, he took the foil off the yogurt and began to swirl his spoon around, making the solid mixture creamy. He tossed the granola aside, as if it didn't exist.

Sighing, Harry shook his head discretely. He knew the thoughts running through Louis head. He couldn't help but judge the difference between them, however. For Harry, he always became fixated on eating healthier and feeling guilty when he would eat 'bad' foods but noticed that Louis felt guilty for eating  _anything_ , no matter if it was good, bad, or in-between.

"My Mom always liked to eat yogurt on the couch," Louis suddenly blurted out. "She'd have her feet in the couch with her nose in a book," he chuckled.

Nobody knew what to say to that. They continued to eat in silence, only sound was the scraping of forks hitting the bottom of ceramic plates.

 _(iMessage)_  
_Clay: Season starts soon. After Spring Break. Maybe you'll get to play._  
_Clay: Need me to help you?_

Trying to make the portion more manageable, Louis put some of the fruit on a napkin, but he realized his ideas were not working. His conscience told him he needed to eat. He could hear a small voice in his head, one that sounded much like Niall's telling him that it was okay, and that he needed his energy for the vacation. Yet, another voice was telling him if he ate, he would suffer the consequences.

"Excuse me...." He said scooting his chair out and stepping outside the condo. Harry tried to get up, but Zayn put him back down.

Retrieving a cigarette from his pack, Zayn placed the stick up to his lips, clasping it tightly before lighting it. He blew a puff of smoke up to the sky, standing beside Louis in silence for a minute.

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows. It's what the sunflowers do." He muttered.

Louis stood with his arms folded, sitting on his abdomen. He shot Zayn a glance before continuing to look forward. Zayn decided to repeat himself. "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows. It's what the sunflowers do.... tell me what's going on in that head of yours." He said playfully ruffling Louis' hair.

"I miss her...."Louis looked down at the ground.  

"Do you know who I miss?" Zayn took a long drag, holding in his smoke for a second before releasing once more. Louis shook his head 'no'. "You."

Louis acknowledged the statement with a look to the ground, soundlessly telling Zayn he knew what he meant.

"So much shit running through your head all the time, Lou. You've always been that way.... when I first got to know you, I thought "W _ow, he is so mature, wise beyond his years._ You were always studying, making sure to be the best English teacher you could be. You would wear pastel colors, I admired that. You'd always have your messenger bag, Emily Dickinson in hand. You were faithful, always taking up for Clay and making excuses for his shit. It's funny Now, in retrospect." Zayn shrugged his shoulders, taking another puff. "The Things I love about you have all gone away but I still admire you. You're strong. You lost your Mom and kept student teaching, you were abused but still loved Clay with all your heart. Then I realized, Lou, the thing that was destroying you – your eating problem – was also keeping you alive. Everyone needs a coping skill. I think it helped you, but you have to get better.... just a thought." Zayn flicked his cigarette butt off the balcony before going back inside.

Louis continued to stare ahead, unsure what was thinking about. Harry observed everyone from the kitchen table. Taylor was growing shadily close to Shawn, stroking his arm, and giggling at nothing. It was too close for comfort. Maybe he should give Ed a head's up; but he realized, he didn't have to when Ed was shooting darts at her. Liam was feeding Zayn some eggs, both happy to be around each-other. Zayn returned the gestured put his head on his shoulder.

Then, there was Harry who ate his breakfast alone, watching Louis look as if he wanted to jump off the balcony. He wanted to get up and check on him, but he wanted to give him space too. He watched as Louis checked his phone frequently, looking as if he wanted to reply but always erasing his messages.

M _aybe I should do that proper date today._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys <3 Thanks so much for reading this. It was hard to write because I poured my heart and soul into it [a lot of these things I've experienced myself].


	12. I Am A Trove, No Treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for my crazy poetry in advance!

With day 2 of the condo coming to an end, Louis sat on the beach with his toes buried deep in the sand. It was an odd day, to say the least. Ed kept throwing hurtful glances toward Taylor and trying to get information from Shawn – yet he didn't have any. He pledged allegiance to his friend, and both decided to ignore her, wondering why they invited someone they hardly knew on this trip anyway.

Liam spent most of his time splashing Zayn and jumping on his back playfully. He could tell there was something on Zayn's mind, and he knew it was him being worried about Louis. Truth be told, he was worried about him too – even vented to Niall a few times. He just didn't have any answers, and that is what hurt the most.

Harry tried to caress Louis whenever he could. A pet on the arm or a caress of the hand, but Louis always seemed to pay more attention to his phone. He saw some of the messages, winching as he did so. Louis read them but never replied.

With Louis hardly giving anything in return, it was then Harry realized it was his time to fulfill his part of the Code Black scenario.

Opening the template to his newspaper article app, he began to think of a perfect exposé. Being a freelance writer also meant that sometimes, if the pieces were good and relevant

enough, the school would post them in their weekly paper.

Cracking his knuckles, he zoned out and let his fingers do all the talking. He would have to wait until after Spring Break to publish it, but it was worth it. Zayn planted the seed, but it was up to Harry to make it grow.

_Substance Use Among Athletes? Insider Explains All_

_It is not a foreign concept that athletes use certain chemicals in order to enhance their performance. Body builders have used steroids. Football players have used testosterone. Swimmers have used cannabis. There's only one problem: it's illegal among college students._

_Part of their contract states they must submit to random drug screenings but even then, most are passing. How you may ask? I got the inside scoop – at least from inside the soccer player locker room._

_Last week, Clay Tucker was seen with Adderall – a college student's go to stimulant used to study all night, keeping them awake and full of energy. Sources say that Tucker often relies on Adderall to be able to stay on the team so he can_

_We tried to get a comment from Tucker, but he was unavailable and did not immediately return my call. What are your thoughts on using drugs to enhance your performance? This is one debate I'm curious to find out._

Smiling, Harry saved his article into his drafts knowing that this would at least make the coach search his duffle bag and get him arrested for possession of a controlled substance without prescription.

Louis raked his fingers across the sand, making heart shapes and trying to hold onto it but it kept slipping through his fingers. He tried it repeatedly until growing impatient and collapsing on his bare back.

Everyone watched in awe at his ribs stuck out so noticeably when was he laying down. He wasn't completely oblivious to them staring. He could feel it, though his eyes were shut tight fro the sun rays beaming through his glasses. Yet, he did not realize they were staring because of how thin he looked. No, they were concerned but he didn't know that.... probably never will.

Harry scooted closer to him, and allowed his head to rest on his palm, elbow buried deep in the sand. "How do you feel about going to a slam poetry meeting tonight, you know, for our first proper date? Saw this great place on google! I love to write…you're an English major...it's perfect. We can both write a piece and present it...." He slid one finger down Louis' exposed arm.

Louis sat up, placing his arms over his stomach to hide what he thought were love handles. "Um....I don't know, Haz. Clay may not like that...."

"Would he like what happened last night?"

Louis put this head down, almost in shame. "About that last night.... I’m so sorry, Harry. I just had too much wine and... remember how you said alcohol makes you horny? Well....maybe it does me too and I wanted to thank you for being so nice to me...."

"Thank me? Louis, I'm not being nice to you. I'm treating you how you deserve to be treated. Your soul...it's like no other. Why can't you believe in that? I have all the patience in the world if you can tell me you're interested and trying to move on from Clay....otherwise, I'm wasting my time and yours."

"Slam poetry?" Louis diverted the subject.

Sighing in defeat, Harry nodded. "8 o' clock on the dot. 2 hours from now. Interested?"

"And we have to participate?"

"Oh, come on. You were one of the best players on the team! You're used to big crowds cheering you on and watching you. This shouldn't be so hard!" Harry giggled.

"Key word is used to. Besides, reading your own writing is like exposing all your vulnerabilities and being naked in front of the entire world.... but you're so cute, I think I will go," Louis brushed Harry's cheek, not understanding why he was deciding to flirt. Clay wouldn't like that.

"I'm going to write my piece and you write yours. I'll pick you up soon." Harry reached over, giving Louis a kiss on the cheek before retreating to the condo.

* * *

Louis glanced at his phone one last time, reading over Clay's messages. He wanted to block him forever, but he was afraid. He knew where he lived now, and maybe he'd come and track him down. Maybe he'd kill him this time. Maybe death is better than living in fear. 

The décor was as expected – a small coffee shop with dim lighting and round tables with small bouquets of plastic flowers. Surrounding the coffeehouse walls were old books that nobody had touched in years. Girl were wearing their favorite band tees with their neon hair and the men appeared to wear hipster glasses and plaid shirts. Harry felt as if he and Louis stuck out like a sore thumb, but it was worth it when he saw Louis give a small grin.

"I'd like to welcome you to the _I'd Rather Stay Home Instead Poet's Society_. The rules are: you can only snap in response during the poem if you're feeling it and can give applause when the author has finished. All work must be original and no judging here. It's a safe place. Any volunteers?"

They hurried and found a seat at a table nobody was sitting at. Harry scooted his chair as close as he could to Louis and wrapped his arm around him, whispering tenderly in his ear. Though it was quiet in the venue, he liked to pretend that he needed to whisper just to feel the warmth.

"Thanks for agreeing to go out with me,"

"It's fine. I'm nervous," Louis said bouncing his knee up and down. "Never read a poem out loud before."

"You feel comfortable around me, right? Just look at me." Harry suggested, nesting his nose deep into his ear. Louis let out a small giggle and put his shoulder up to his neck in defense; and that's how the night went for about an hour until they both became brave enough to read their poetry.

Louis was first to go, volunteering to get it over with.

He crumpled the piece of paper and ran his fingers through his hair, clearing his throat. Though the room was dark, he felt blinded. He wanted to be confident again. He missed himself. What happened to the soccer star he used to be? Was it a reputation he didn't deserve? His shirt sleeves were starting to stick underneath his arms – too much sweat – so he knew, 'now or never.'

Taking in a deep breath, he began to recite words in a rhythm.

 _I am a trove, no treasure;_  
so, yes, I know pirates,  
well, only one, though,  
and I may have been pillaged,  
okay, it's been daily,

 _That my thoughts have been raped_  
and I know now I'm inept   
When it comes to being me  
but I'm trying for a gold star

_But I'm all cobwebs in an empty chest,_

_I'm all crickets in a cave,_

_I'm all ripples in a puddle with nothing to reflect,_

_I am a trove, no longer a treasure..._

It was as if nobody else was in the room. With tears threatening to fall from his waterline, Harry took a sip of water; hoping it would be a distraction. He watched as Louis continued to stand on the stage, though his poem had been recited; twirling his bracelet around as if he couldn't move. 

People were beginning to snap now, moved by the raw emotions that Louis conveyed. When his senses finally began to work again, he made his way down to his table and sat down next to Harry, whom was still trying to discretely hide his tears.

"That was...so honest. You are not an empty treasure; you never have been." Harry assertively spoke deep into Louis' apathetic face.

When the host asked for another volunteer, he quickly ushered himself to the stage and adjusted the microphone. He observed the people staring at him, which only fueled his urgency. He stood up straight, shoulders back, and for a second glanced at Louis, making sure it was okay to be there on the stage instead of beside him at the table.

He opened notes on his phone and made eye contact with the crowd once again before beginning his catharsis.

 _Against the stark, dark layer of stars_  
I see yellow sunflowers – a wilted gift   
In lieu of a broken man.

_Words suggest strong, but the voice is breaking,_

_So, I suggest you keep the vase,_

_be complacent,_

_Send more bold, italic text,_

_Continue the drip, drop faucet_

_Your eyes have become  
\ over my heart, my arms, my fucking chest,_

_For Christ's sake,  
I know right now, there's healing to be had,_

_And I know you're worth it, won't you, too?_

_No, you won't,_

_and I know_

_because I breathe in the deep fragrance of your pain,  
Mildewed, should've been disposed of,_

_Shitty sunflowers_

_your yearning for him engulfs me now,_

_so please, pretty please,_

_save me from feeling_

_like I couldn't keep you from killing yourself_

_let me love you back to you_

It was Louis' return to react now. Harry cautiously walked toward him, knowing this was a delicate situation. As he approached the table, he had only one thought in mind: make sure he's okay. But when he stood in front of Louis, who had his lips parted but saying no words, he realized that maybe it was time to give up.

Sometimes people want their wilted sunflowers instead of fresh vibrant pansies. Sometimes no matter how hard we want to heal someone and put their pieces back together, we cut ourselves in the process. Sometimes, we wish on stars at night to only realize, they were fireflies – and you can only hope they whisper our desires as they fly.

Snapping out of his poetic narrative, Harry gazed his attention back to the blue eyes that were already staring back at him. Vigilantly, he moved closer to Louis, unsure of how to react. Louis was not giving him any signals of how he was feeling.

That is until Harry broke the eye contact when Louis put his head down, tears streaming down his face, fish mouthing, trying to find words. Just like in the poem, he collapsed himself deep into Harry's chest, and let Harry wrap his long arms around him.

He guided him toward the door, walking back to the condo, emotionally exhausted, refraining from discussing it until they were in the seclusion of their shared room.

Words swirled a chaotic mind.

Harry gently pulled Louis back into the condo, greeting no one as they made their way into the seclusion and safety of their bedroom. This was not a conversation for interested ears. He sat him down, though wearily on the lounge chair that looked like it came right from a Paris catalog.

"Louis, I didn't mean to upset you...." Harry stammered. "I....just wanted to."

"Did you mean it?" Louis interrupted as Harry cocked an eyebrow back to him, not understanding what he was asking. "You want me to let you love me back to my old self...because all you do to this Louis, is let me cry on your chest and listen to me piss and moan...."

"What? That's what you got out of my poem?! Louis, sweetheart, no, that's not what I meant at all!" Harry said taking his hands, dropping on his knees in front of him. "There's nothing wrong with who you are now. You're just not well...and I am strong enough for the both of us is all."

Louis felt his lip quivering, a combination of frustration and depression clouding his judgment. He wanted to hate Harry for the poem. How dare someone write something so.... positive for him. He did not deserve that. He wanted to stay in his disdain. How dare someone try and mend his broken pieces into something beautiful.

He was not a perfect purple pansy. He never felt like he deserved that. No, he wanted to stare at the wilted sunflowers in his room and become one himself; something that was once majestic now turned a dull memory.

But he looked down at his delicate hands, resting still in large, protective ones. He looked up and was greeted with hues of green eyes, smiling at him without saying a word. He analyzed the smile could feel the warmth radiating from it. He could sense that Harry had meant it: he had the strength, the patience, the empathy. He truly wanted to be a part of his journey.

How did he feel, though? He questioned himself. He had Clay to consider. He must love him, obviously, right? He keeps spamming his phone with apology text, sweet ones even, ones of regret. He was his first love, and the only one who had the power to both destroy and build him up.

He looked down at his hands one more time, feeling Harry squeezing them gently, as if he was saying "I'm not going to let go unless you make me." He looked back into their eyes; green meets blue. He realizes here that Harry is a far better choice than Clay.

His curly hair is unique, his voice sends shivers down his spine (and not because he's afraid, but because it ignites a passionate spark.). His touch is so soft, he swore a butterfly fluttered its wings instead of a human. His words make him feel secure; his patience makes him feel secure. He hasn't felt this safe in a long time.

"Harry...." Louis squeezed Harry's hands this time, trying to pull him closer to him.

"Yeah?" Harry swallowed, unsure of where this was going.

"Do you prefer sunflowers or pansies?" Louis position his face symmetrical to Harry's, so close their noses were brushing against each other. Hot breath tickled his senses.

Harry didn't answer right away. He took a moment to take in what was happening, understanding his response would change the course of their relationship. He didn't want to feed Louis a line, and he wanted to be completely genuine.

"Neither. I prefer a wildflower. They can weather any storm...they even grow on rocks...they...."

With his audio senses failing him, instead of a baritone deep voice, Louis could hear nothing but fuzzy vibrations. His mind was confused, overwhelmed, overstimulated, and unable to formulae logical thoughts. He had nothing left to do but surrender. His heart and mind never felt anymore enemies in this moment.

"Harry...." Louis whispered, still clasping his hands for comfort and reassurance.

Harry swallowed once again. "Yeah?"

Without explanation, Louis moved his face slightly over and parted his lips. He could feel his heart thumping heavily in his chest. Harry peeked as he watched Louis slowly close his eyes, his lips treacherously close to his own. Harry could feel Louis' breath barley fanning his skin.

Both paralyzed, too afraid to close the gap. Harry opened his eyes once more, to find that Loui still had his shut tight with his lips still parted. He inched a millimeter closer, swearing he could smell strawberry chap-stick.

He closed his eyes, wondering if he should pull away and give Louis a hug instead but all his choices were removed when he felt a light brush against his own. He felt time stand still, and even though they had kissed the night before, it was nothing like this, no, it was more than Harry could ever imagine.

He could feel himself melt into the kiss, allowing his tongue to rhythmically match Louis' pace, which was both desperate and longing. He could feel the hesitation, though he wouldn't comment on it; at least not now. He released his small hands, allowing his own to grasp Louis' cheek, pulling him closer to him. He allowed his other hand to rest on Louis' thigh, entrapping and claiming him as his own.

Still on his knees as Louis sat in the fancy French-style chair, he pushed himself forward, position his torso incredibly close to Louis' small body. He guided his hand that was previously resting on a sunken cheek to non-existent love handles, keeping the other hand still on the tiny thigh.

After what seemed like a lifetime, Harry could feel Louis slowly getting lost in the kiss, shutting his brain and giving himself permission to feel the goosebumps littering his body.

Louis moaned quietly, feeling his libido turn into overdrive. He had to have Harry. He had to have him in ways he hadn't shared before. Sure, last night, he was tasting the salty essence but tonight, he was ready for more; ready to be lost in the moment and not just drunk off wine.

Harry caught a glimpse of the burning desire in his eyes. He deepened the kiss for a moment, standing on his feet and hoovering over the blue-eyed man who stole his heart months earlier. He gently pushed Louis into a laying position on the chaise, crawling on top of him. He waited for Louis to open his mouth slightly, so he could explore the palette with his tongue.

Louis fumbled with Harry's zipper, trying to seductively remove his jeans but he was feeling lightheaded and malnourished, though he didn't care. He wanted this.

He sat up for a minute, only to remove his shirt, and laid back down hastily. Harry took the hint and removed his clothing as well, smiling down at Louis who was covering his stomach with his arms but still staring at him with a smile.

"How lucky am I?" Harry said through gritted teeth, trying to give Louis reassurance. He watched as Louis slowly moved his arms down to his side, allowing him to connect their chest together, getting lost in the kiss once more.

Louis had one leg bent at the knee and the other straight out in front of him. He pushed himself somewhat up, trying to get a grip on Harry's neck. _Damn. Should got a pastry at the coffeeshop._ He could feel his breath becoming labored, but he wanted to push on. He wanted this.

"Hold that thought!" Harry giggled as he put his arms under Louis' hips, scooping him up like a koala and releasing him on the bed. "Better?"

Louis nodded, mouth open, whimpering slightly. _I will not faint._

Harry walked over to his suitcase, smiling fondly as he shifted the present with a big lilac bow over, so he could get the items he was seeking. The gift would have to wait.

"I knew these would come in handy. Not to sound egotistical or anything," he smirked. "You just never know, better to be prepared..."

Louis giggled in return, knowing Harry did have a slight ego, but was quickly noticing how much energy he took from himself and put into Louis lately.

"Were you wanting to get some on this Spring Break trip?" Louis teased. "I know an easy-slut a few rooms down...." He teased.

"Oh please," Harry whined. "Not craving her.... not sweet enough," he latched onto Louis' earlobe, nibbling tenderly.

Louis tilted his head back, trying to tune out the buzzing noise and the spinning room. He could feel the pleasure in his veins, his nerve endings, his soul; he wasn't going to let his eating disorder get in the way of this.

Harry subtly kissed down his neck, focusing on spots he found made Louis let out small whines. Louis put his hand around Harry's neck, trying to pull him closer. Harry could feel the weakness in his tug, barely able to feel it.

"You alright?" He released his hold on the spot above Louis' collarbone, staring at it for a moment, watching the skin turn an angry shade of pink before turning his attention to the blue crystal eyes. Louis licked his lips, drowsily.

Concerned, Harry moved a small piece of hair that had found its way on Louis' forehead that was sticking from cold perspiration. He locked their lips again, noticing that Louis was pushing into him, almost afraid of the night ending.

"I'm," Louis puckered. "Fine!" He insisted as he flipped Harry over, gaining control of the situation.

 _That's kinda hot,_ Harry mumbled to himself. 

"You sure you're alright?"

"Mmm," Louis responded, putting one hand on the wall behind him for support. He thought about how athletic he used to be in this moment. He'd probably be able to balance himself with his ab muscles alone, not to mention the cut thighs he had; but they're all gone now. Nothing left but skin that feels barley intact in itself around sharp bones.

He never let Harry gain the control back. Once you've suffered abuse, it's hard to get completely lost in someone else. What if they decide to turn on you at any moment?

Fight. Flight. Freeze. Tonight, he chose to fight, fight to entertain the idea that he at least deserved something, anything. Even if it was just for one night. He was at a beautiful condo resting in the heart of Sunset Boulevard. Who wouldn't want to get intimate on an expensive and exquisite bed?

Who wouldn't want to appreciate the art he's been given? With the chiseled torso, draped gracefully in a butterfly tattoo, or curly locks dangling wildly in his face; those green eyes of protection.

Being on top of Harry, having control to how much or how subtle the touches were, made him miss his old self. One poised, confident, and social. One who knew what he wanted and would never settle for anything less. One who wasn't so afraid.

He crawled to the bottom of the mattress, only to crawl back up as he kissed a trail of kisses up his leg, ticking his nose once he reached the large tiger tattoo on Harry's thigh. Harry burst out in small giggles, biting his lower lip, feeling his entire body grow tense and he anticipated the next move.

Louis continued to send a trail of kisses up his body, licking pieces as he made his way up to his plump, pink lips. Intertwined, they roamed around each other, creating a story only they could hear; only to release when oxygen was beginning to fail them. They breathed heavily, Louis feeling Harry's chest rise and fall under him. His own beginning to speed up, room spinning again.

He lost his balance for a moment, steadying himself with the wall again. Harry swallowed thickly, trying not to let his greediness lose concern for Louis, who was obviously struggling with feeling ill; though he already knew why.

"Louis, we don't have to do this. I have all the time in the world for you. Haven't I proven that by now?"

Waving a hand in the air, dismissing the idea, Louis shushed him with peppering kisses back down his body, stopping only when he reached the small trail of hair beneath Harry's belly button. He kissed softly, kissing every inch except where Harry wanted him to ever desperately.

To give him a hint, he bucked his hips up, but it only made Louis crawl back up and lock their lips together once again, barley ghosting him with his fingertips.

He felt him get a little unbalanced, falling into Harry's chest, resting his head there for a moment trying to get back up but the room kept spinning, spinning, spinning. Circles, fuzzy feelings, warmth, cold, eyes constricting and dilating. Head thumping, throbbing, every slight movement causing uneasiness and nausea.

His body felt like it was floating. He was an astronaut lost in space, floating around waiting for someone to rescue him. His eye flickered rapidly, trying to keep himself awake. His eyes were trying to count the stars; one, two, three, four, five, six, one hundred and ninety-seven.

One hundred ninety eig......

_No, don't go black. Don't go black._

"Kiss me," Louis hummed, trying to fight his own body, growing weaker and more unsteady.

Harry peered into his eyes, noticing how the blue was dimming; he saw the pattern of the constricting and the dilating, the fluttering eyelashes trying to stay awake.

Not wanting to send him into a defeated stance, he wrapped his arm around the bony neck and pulled him down into a chaste kiss. Before he could deepen it any further, he felt Louis tumble on his chest once more, this time not getting up.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

_One Antagonizing Hour Later_

Though it was hardly in the am, it was dark enough. The small lights peering through the window from the city light should not make one’s head throb, but it was. He tried to become oriented to his surroundings. Above him hung a chandelier he never noticed before, a fireplace behind him, and a pool table across the room.

_No idea where I am._

"Hey," Harry sheepishly grinned, hoovering over him protectively.

"Here ya go," Zayn hummed, wearing oven mits. "No idea how to cook, but Harry tried to walk me through it....at least when he wasn't running back to you to check on you."

He placed a plate of food on Louis' lap. "We called Niall. He said it sounded like you had hypoglycemia again, low blood sugar. You ever have that before?" Zayn asked as he laid the silverware on the plate. Louis nodded. "Yeah, he said you did. He even gave us a recipe. Eat up!" He said assertively.

Louis looked down at his plate. A baked potato, ½ cup of tofu, and some roasted vegetables were staring back at him. He wanted to vomit at the sight. How did they expect him to eat this?

"Sent Liam on an errand to get you some multivitamins. Haven't been taking care of yourself, eh?" Zayn said retrieving a cigarette out of his pack and walked on the balcony.

Harry took the opportunity to sit down beside Louis, who was still laying down with the plate on his stomach. He didn't want to sit up and eat it. He didn't want to even think about food. He was ashamed, embarrassed. How did he go from being romantic with Harry to being a freak everyone was watching, poking him with a stick to see what he'd do?

Without warning, Harry grabbed his hand and gently sat him up in a sitting position.

"I'm sorry......" Louis kept his eyes down, staring at his food. He was too mortified to even think about looking Harry in the eye right now. "You must think I'm a mess, too much of a mess to even...."

Before he could finish his thought, Harry lifted his chin up, putting their eyes parallel to one another. He caressed his cheek lovingly, reassuring him he was wrong.

"Doesn't change my mind at all. You're always putting others first. I could have waited, you know? I don't like you for what you can do _for me._ I like you for who you are. That's just a nice little bonus that I'm sure to love when the time is right.... but that isn't now. You're sick. Do you remember passing out on my chest?" Harry asked glancing down at the food that hadn't been touched.

"A little...." Louis trailed off. Silence ensued. He and Harry both focused on the plate in his lap. He didn't want to eat any of this. He didn't want to eat at all.

His Mother couldn't eat when she was sick from the radiation. She became a fragment of who she once was. Why couldn't Louis be the same way?

Clay always told him he was too fat to be eating all that food. Why doesn't everyone see he doesn't need to eat? It won't be doing him any favors. It's only hurting him. It's twisting his insides into a painful torment; though the hunger is a constant reminder that he'll never satisfied.

"Just a few bites, Louis." Zayn firmly stated, not leaving it open for suggestion.

Louis shot him an annoyed look. _You're not my keeper,_ he thought.

When he didn't pick up the fork, Harry and Zayn both realized he was paralyzed by the voice in his head; the one that stripped him of all ability to even attempt to fight. He was in the middle of the battlefield, unarmed, no shield, and already wounded.

Harry picked up the fork, fluffing the potato and putting it in front of Louis' mouth, encouragingly.

_No, no. Just because I like you doesn't mean you can control me. Fuck this. I'm going to say how I feel whether they like it or not._

"I am my own person. You're not my keeper, not any of you!" He yelled.

Liam walked through the door, dropping his grocery bags. The tension was thick enough to suffocate anyone. He tip-toed into the kitchen, trying to not be spotted. He had witnessed many of Louis' tantrums about food over the past year, and this was one scene he didn't want to be witness to; not this time at least.

"I don't want to eat the potato or the vegetables and I sure as hell don't want to eat this bland soybean tofu shit!" He screamed as he jumped to his feet, plate sliding down his legs, shattering as it hit the floor. The pieces scattered all over the expensive Persian rug.

Hearing the crash, Ed and Shawn darted out of their rooms to assess the situation. When they saw what was happening, they shrugged to each other and retreated to their rooms. They, too, had been traumatized by Louis and Niall fighting over this exact reason.

Taylor had already fallen asleep, bored to death and feeling _lonely._ Ed and Shawn made a pact to not let a woman get between them, and she wasn't going to be the first.

"I'm not going to eat today. Tomorrow....five years from now! I hate it! I hate it! I am not a sunflower. I am not a pansy. I am a dandelion. You all have made that clear, haven't you? _Let's keep a close watch on Lou. At any moment the wind will blow him away._ _Better monitor what he eats._ I am not a product of an eating disorder! I am not my eating disorder! You can't put everything into a perfect box, a perfect diagnosis. I am not the epitome of sickness, a victim, brokenness!"

He felt his legs become shaky, his headache intensifying. All the energy his body replenished from the fainting spell had been spent.

"I'm not your plaything.... someone you can mold however you want. I deserve the autonomy to make my choices and...." Before he could finish his soap-box rant, his knees buckled sending him flying backwards.

Liam swiftly jogged over to him, picking him up and throwing him over his shoulder. "If you're quite finished, Mate!" He said as he put him on the couch beside Harry. "Drink this."

"No!" Louis tucked his lips between his teeth, hiding them away.

Liam sighed, placing a straw in the thick substance. "Louis....you know the drill...."

"You're not Niall!" Louis yelled. Harry put his head down, wanting to participate in the push and pull match but he had too much empathy. He understood everyone's side. He didn't want Louis to think of him as an enemy, but more of an ally; though he wished desperately he would eat.

"Drink the Ensure or I'll tell Niall it's time to call your sister and have you admitted against your will...he's been contemplating it a long time...." Liam threatened.

Louis felt his eyes glaze over, shooting laser beams into Liam's soul. He jerked the Ensure from his grip, slurping down the thick, chalky substance as fast as he could. When he was finished, he tossed the container toward Liam and stormed back to his room.

Harry sat on the couch for a few minutes, trying to gather his thoughts and wondered if it was a time to give him space or immense comfort.

"You can't save him," Zayn said walking over to him.

"I don't want to save him. I love him...." Harry stood up, walking toward the room. 


	13. Cushion the Blow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance if you read the previous version of chapter 13 with Haylor [put in the story to show that Harry was not a perfect angel]. However, I've realized that it isn't the way to do so. Therefore, I've changed the original post that I had on Wattpad. I rewrote it for Ao3 with how I truly want the story to navigate. Hope you enjoy it. <3

They say that eavesdropping is rude, maybe even crossing boundaries. Yet, when Harry walked in the room and opened the door (with every intention of comforting Louis, who just exploded in front of everyone) and realized he was on the phone, curiosity got the best of him. There are some things you know you shouldn't do but the temptation is far too great.

He wishes he hadn't.

"Yeah, I just...everyone is ganging up on me. I wish you were here," Louis sniffled into the phone. "No, no. You don't have to come and get me.... I just...I don't know. It's hard...."

Harry peered into the room, with the door half cracked open; his heart breaking with each sentence.

"Yeah, I can't wait to be home. Miss you.... Yeah, love you too.... goodnight..." With that, Louis placed his phone beside of him and curled into a ball, closing his eyes.

Harry quietly shut the door back, biting his lip, and trying to not let he tears that were threatening to escape his waterline. He didn't know how he felt in this moment. Why would Louis yearn for Clay's affection after everything he's been through? Why would he reach out to him for support instead of Harry, who has been nothing but loving and understanding? Why would he put him in the  _everyone is ganging up on me_ category?

Sighing, he sat down on the couch, alone without company, and put his head in his hands, tugging at his curls. He tried to put everything into retrospect: how he had been on a journey of self-discovery before all this shit happened. How his focus was to make himself the healthiest version of himself he could, but somewhere in the past few weeks, he lost himself trying to make someone else feel special.... but now, he was the one feeling worthless, not good enough, alone.

"You wanna talk about?" Taylor appeared, sipping on a mug of green tea. She was clothed in nothing but a sultry nightgown and fuzzy slippers. Harry didn't look up, didn't want to be bothered. "It's okay." She invited herself to sit beside of him, rubbing small circles in her back.

"Is this about earlier? I heard a crash and it woke me up. Walked in here and everyone was gossiping about you and Louis...." She stated nonchalantly. "I guess you're still upset about him, huh?" She inched closer to him. "Well, it's okay...I can't make you forget about it...about him..."

Taylor placed her tea on the table and crouched down in the floor in between his legs. He didn't bother looking up still, tugging at his curls, and wiping his eyes on his sleeve. She took the opportunity to grab his hands, making his face unshielded, putting herself centimeters away from his lips. "Just relax," she breathed in.

"Why do you care about someone so much who does nothing but hurt you? I've wanted this for a long time...and nothing annoys me more than what I can't have...." She whispered in his ear, blowing hot breath on his ear.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he scooted back but she kept following him. When he reached the end of the couch, he gulped. He tried to formulate words, but they weren't coming, not easily.

"Look, Taylor, you're a very nice girl but I just need to be alone right now, please?" He begged.

"Nuh-uh." She said waving her finger in a 'no' position seductively. "What you need is some good endorphins because you're feeling insecure and depressed; I can tell....we all can. This isn't like you, Styles.....now just relax." She pushed him in a half laying position and crawled on top of him, straddling his lap.

He closed his eyes, unsure how to find a balance between being assertive yet respectful. A mantra of  _LouisLouisLouis_ spinning around his mind; blue eyes with that bedazzling smile....but it all turned black when he remembered that he loved and missed Clay, hoped to be with him even....and that Harry's efforts would always come up short.

“I think I’m going to go to bed now,” Harry protested as he tried to stand up.

Like a siren singing her death song, luring the pirate to their final resting place, she whimpered.

“But why?” She pouted.

_LouisLouisLouis._

Sure, her eyes were blue, pretty even, as they shimmered in the moonlight. Sure, they were blue, blue as the sky, but they weren't Louis' blue. His were like the ocean with a few specks of green.

“Because Taylor, I am not interested in you _like that!”_ Harry put his hands up in surrender, again, trying to stand up.

"Its okay," she reassured him, pulling him back down. "No one has to know what we do."

With a haunting  _LouisLouisLouis_ flash in his mind, he ripped his hand from her grasp, removing all contact from her, pulling away, and sobbing. He didn't want to do this. He just wanted Louis to love him. He just wanted him to feel a tiny morsel of how he's felt over the past few weeks, maybe even months; he wasn't sure.

Why do people love and worship someone who mistreats them, abuses them, but rejects someone who would give up everything if they ask them to?

This is what Taylor is good at, though; taking advantage of vulnerability.

"You're so tense, Harry. You are too handsome to be crying like this," she whispered in his ear, wrapping him in a tight embrace. She let go, putting her legs between his shoulders as she sat on the back of the couch, playing with his baby hairs. "So tense. Bet he's been stressing you out a lot lately, huh? Too bad he's stuck on Clay. Everyone knows how much he loves him. We all knew he was being abused, remember? But nobody did anything for a long time because Louis loved him and would turn a deaf ear. Me, on the other hand, I've liked you for a long time, Harry. I can make you forget about him. Just give me one night," she ran a finger down his jawline, making her way to his bottom lip, hooking it with her finger and tugging down.

Harry wiped tears with his sleeve, closing his heavy eyelids and turning toward her. He rested his head on her knees, letting her play with his unruly hair.

"Like I said, nobody has to know." She reiterated as she climbed down, sitting on her knees and making her lips centimeters from his own. Hot breath filling up their senses. He was panting with a heavy chest. Oxygen becoming less and less. He could feel panic setting in.

 _LouisLouisLou...._ But he couldn't think about him any longer. It was like a dagger twisting ruthlessly in his heart. The thought of him still telling Clay he loved him after all this time; it was illogical. Yet, he knew, he was much too far gone for him to hold it against him.

"I can't do this," he panted.

She quickly shushed him, uttering reassuring phrases. "Let's go to my room...." She hopped off of him, gathering their clothes, and guided him toward her room.

“No,” Harry pleaded as he shook his head. His curls ticked her kneecaps, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Exhaustion was setting in. The energy to even breathe was much too much in this moment. All that mattered, all that ever will matter: _LouisLouisLouis._ The blue eyes with the green specks back in his mind.

"Come on, Harry. You need this as much as I do," She begged.

He could see the blue eyes shimmering against the darkness again. Her face transforming into Louis', he lost touch with reality now. “I need….” He yawned. “Louis.”

“What you need,” Taylor insisted as she slithered behind him and began to rub his shoulders. “Is some attention and love from someone who doesn’t use you to escape reality.”

He didn't reply to her, feeling his eyelids heavy.

 _LouisLouisLouis._ One last emotional thought before his eyes rolled in the back of his head; feeling spent, afraid, nauseous, and overwhelmed.

Yet, his dreams did not prove him an escape. Louis and him reading their slam poetry drafts, carefree and giggling over tea and muffins in their fuzzy socks on the couch, kissing like newlyweds followed him like a phantom him. That's how he wanted his life to be.

Tears fell from his eyes, even in his sleep. He wrapped his arms around his body, hugging himself. This was going to be a long night.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was an cold and empty bed. Why was he alone? He expected Harry to come into his room, lay down beside of him, and stroke his cheek softly as he slept. Where was he?

He let his legs dangle off the bed, feeling pressure on his ankle as the blood rushed to it. Winching, he stood up, though a bit shaky. It was going to take more than one Ensure to make him feel healthy again; but he didn't want to feel healthy at all. He wasn't sure what he wanted, but eating was the last on the list.

He saw a light coming from the kitchen. Zayn was swiveling around the bar-stool, reading text on his phone, sipping coffee, and looked like he was waiting patiently on someone  _probably Liam_ to greet him. 

"Morning," Zayn looked up from his phone.

"Hey," Louis said softly, sitting down beside of him.

"I'm sorry I was so.... demanding last night. Hope it doesn't make things awkward between us or anything...." He said putting his phone down on the counter.

"It's fine...." Louis tugged at his sweater. Why was he wearing a sweater in a tropic city? It was what the eating disorder does to someone; even takes their body temperature from being comfortable away.

"If you say so...." Zayn exacerbated. "It's not fine, Lou. I know you've been going through a hard year with your Mom, with Clay...with yourself...but let go, alright? You have a whole army of support. Let us carry you out of the trenches, please?" He pleaded opening his arms.

Louis smiled, melting into the hug. Zayn wrapped his bony arms around him, rubbing his shoulder up and down, soothing him platonically.

"Have you seen Harry?" Louis asked trying to wiggle away.

"No.... last I saw, he went in your bedroom last night. After you all left, everyone was too tired to stay up, so we went to our rooms. Why?" Zayn questioned confused.

".... No reason...." Louis looked down at his sleeves, his heart a little heavy though he didn't understand why. Then he saw the broken shards of the plate in the trash and remembered. Sighing, he walked into the couch and dramatically flopped down, his legs shooting up and falling with a thud.

Then he felt something under his head.

"What the fuck?" He asked as he picked up a shirt.... one's he saw Harry wearing last night after Slam Poetry.... ones he had on that Louis himself removed before fainting.

Then, he swallowed thickly.

"No, no.... he wouldn't do that, would he?!" He screeched. Hearing the commotion, Zayn ran toward him, trying to grab him before he twisted the doorknob to Taylor's room.

"Louis, wait!" He screamed as he already knew the truth once he saw Louis holding the undergarments.

But it was too late. Louis looked on as Taylor and Harry, who weren't even cuddling, but were both asleep, cozy under the blanket, slept beside each other. His knees buckled beneath him, weeping. Zayn caught up just before he hit the ground and walked him out on the balcony. He needed a cigarette for this.

"Lou....I'm sorry...." He said patting him on the back.

"Niall promised me last night on the phone, Zayn! He said 'don't worry, Lad. Nobody is ganging up on you. They all love you, especially Harry...and then we told each other goodnight and we loved each-other and he made me promise to apologize to Harry this morning...." His chest felt tight, heavy, hardly able to breathe.

"Oh, Lou," Zayn said putting the cigarette in the corner of his mouth, holding it there and embracing Louis tightly again. "We're all here for you and I have a feeling that this is all a misunderstanding....."

Zayn kept one arm around him, the other clutching the cigarette between his fingers. He hated conflict. He couldn't wait to get back to his dorm and paint away this thick cloud of chaos surrounding him. He blew out smoke up to the sky, contemplating what to say to the guy in his arms who was on the verge of falling apart.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

 _Fuck!_ He breathed under his breath as Ed's voice echoed through the house. He opened the sliding glass door, shielding Louis eyes from the scene in front of him as Ed pulled the blanket off Harry and Taylor.

There was nothing to see, not really. Harry was fully dressed, cuddling his arms to his own chest. Yet, to everyone, it felt like a betrayal, and they couldn’t explain why. Feeling the cool breeze, Harry shot up; becoming oriented with the morning. Taylor stretched out, letting out a small giggle. She knew she won.

"No, no. I expected this from you," Ed said pointing at Taylor. "But Harry? Come on man. You're one of my best mates....and Louis...." He scoffed.

"Louis?" Harry felt his cheeks growing hot. "You mean the one whispering sweet nothings to Clay on the phone last night? Wishing he was here, he loved him, goodnight!" Harry yelled. "No, I'm nothing to him but someone who is here at the time. As soon as we get home, he'll run back to Clay!"

"Harry....dude...." Zayn moved Louis behind him, not letting him look at Louis. He didn't deserve to look at him. "He was talking to Niall last night, dickhead."

The room began to spin, his heart dropped to his feet. Niall? No, it was Clay. It had to be Clay...

Taylor smirked, sitting up and getting dressed.

He pushed past Zayn, who was standing in the door, bumping into Louis' shoulder as he did so.

"Louis...." Harry begged. “Nothing happened last night. I was crying…and I fell asleep…”  

"You’re not allowed to talk to him right now!" Zayn exploded, pushing him.

Louis opened his mouth to speak but the words weren't coming. He put his head on Zayn's back, nestling himself into his warmth. He always was a warrior in his fight to be okay again, and only second to Niall on his best-friend list.

"What is all this?" Liam appeared, followed by Shawn.

"SHE," Zayn emphasized pointing at Taylor, "decided to fuck everything up! Who the hell invited her, anyway?"

Ed looked down at the ground, shuffling his feet. He wanted to cry, but she wasn't worth his tears. He didn't love her, just wanted someone so he didn't feel so alone. He's a sensitive soul who just wants to be loved. Yet, he felt a bundle of remorse when he looked over at Louis who was ghost white and uneasy on his feet.

"I'm sorry...." Ed said putting his hand on his shoulder. Louis acknowledged the statement, nodding softly.

Harry scooted forward, trying to get Zayn to move so he could have access to Louis, but it wasn't happening. No. Not today. He had done enough damage to him. He wasn't allowed to add more to it.

"Back the fuck up!" Zayn demanded.

“I didn’t do anything!” Harry snapped.  

Realizing this was escalating quickly, Liam knew it was time to intervene. "Alright everyone. Here's what we're going to do. It's time to go home. Harry, you're driving. Shawn is sitting up front with you. Zayn, Ed, and Louis will be in the middle. I'll sit in the back with Taylor. Don't even try to put moves on me, you witch!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*

After an hour of packing, they were finally ready to head back to campus. Feeling like they were in a clown car, nobody felt comfortable. Harry could feel the tension pulling at his neck and back; reminding him he had been missing his yoga sessions lately.

Louis laid curled up to Zayn, who was in the middle between him and Ed. He wasn't sure why he was so heartbroken over this. It was somewhat his fault. Harry had given him everything he could have, and all he did was hesitate. Harry came over all the time, bringing food or offering to cook him meals, mended his wounded, wrote him a poem, even. All he wanted was Louis' love, but...all Louis could say was 'not now.'

It wasn't like he cheated on him. They weren't together, no, they never were. Maybe it was the fact that it made Louis hate himself even more now. He'd never be as thin as Taylor. He'd never get the image of Harry in her bed out of his mind. He'd never be able to not throw the plate, it's happened too many time. He'd never be the star soccer player anymore. Ana took that away. He'd never trust anyone with his body. Clay took that away. He'd never feel like someone loved him unconditionally. Cancer took that from him, too.

Zayn caught Harry trying to catch a glimpse of Louis out of the rear-view mirror, but Zayn covered his body with his own, glaring back at him. Harry refocused on the road, gulping. He had fucked up. If Zayn was this mad, how would Niall react?

Shawn and Ed were exchanging text from the car, both trying to make light of the situation. They were resilient, mostly unfazed by this girl drama.

2:24 pm Shawn: Maybe you shouldn't invite someone you hardly know on our Spring Break we had planned for months :-P  
2:24 pm Ed: Not my best idea, eh? I knew she was after Styles anyway. She was hitting on him the night I first talked to her....she has daddy issues I think. Just needs to feel wanted.  
2:25 pm Shawn: OR she has bitch issues. Either one works LMAO

The hours that passed made the university feel like it was on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. When they finally pulled back up to campus, everyone gathered their things and headed back to the dorm. Everyone except for Louis who had to wait on Liam to drive him to his apartment.

"I can walk, Li. No big deal," Louis said tugging on his oversize sweater. Liam dismissed his words, rolling his suitcase to his dorm, signaling Louis to follow him. "How's things with Z, then?"

"We're casual, It's cool. Neither of us are really looking for anything serious. We just like to be around each other, enjoying the company, you know?" He shrugged as he unlocked his door.

"Awesome. I'm happy for you!" Louis beamed. "Niall won't be home for 2 more days...." He frowned.

"You can stay over here if you like, just like old times. We can play FIFA and chill." Liam said pointing at his x-box.

Louis kindly declined, self-destruction isolation setting in.

"Well if you need anything, I'm here for you."

"Same," he replied as they walked outside.   


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) Thanks so much for reading. I hope you're still enjoying the story. The next few chapters will be dramatic. <3


	14. Are You My Angel?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As stated in the tags, this chapter will contain abuse! READER DISCRETION ADVISED! TRIGGER WARNING! Please read with caution and rememeber it is just fiction. However, some of this chapter is based on my own experiences, and that's just the reality of life. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience abuse in their relationship :(

It was nothing but emptiness inside his soul. In fact, the next day contained no detail because Louis could not remember it. He woke up apathetic in his apartment; alone and depressed. His body begged for substance, but he refused. The pangs were real, though, and his bran overrode his desires and chanted _I need SOMETHING, ANYTHING._ So he raided the pantry and snarled his nose at everything. Pasta, bread, beans, rice, fruit cocktail, ramen noodles, pretzels, chips, all of it.

Then, in all its glory, a bottle of Irish Jameson whiskey bid him hello. Smirking, he took the bottle to his room, sitting Indian style on his pink carpet and gulping down the contents. The nectar burned his throat, but soon enough would provide an escape from all his pain; at least he hoped so.

Sitting on his dresser were a bouquet of purple pansies - slowly dying. Harry had got them for him from the meadow just behind the apartment. On his arm, the red dragonfly bracelet that he passed down to Louis, hoping it would bring him recovery. Sitting on top of his suitcase that he yet to unpack, Froggo, his beloved frog from no other than _Harry._. All the memories in his room....a pile of blankets still piled in the floor; Harry's little makeshift bed.

 _"The monsters always know where to find me. I hope you meant what you said earlier, that you'd protect me from them...."_ He didn't know that Harry was in fact, one of them. Fool's gold.

One shot to forget. One shot to remember.

Stomach cramps hit him almost instantly. His body was rejecting the alcohol painfully. He involuntarily threw it all back up all over his carpet. He didn't even bother to clean it up, or himself. Just threw his clothes off and curled himself in the blankets in the floor.

They lingered small hints of Harry's scent. Louis wanted to take another shot. He knew that he messed up too, and he couldn't just blame Harry for this. He should have made that commitment to him. He should have tried harder.

Crying, head throbbing, throat burning. Alone. Did he have to be alone, though?

He reached for his phone....

"Clay?" He sniffled. "You were right....can you come over? Niall is still on vacation....I need you."

~*~*~*~

_Is It Really Slut-Shaming If You Really Are A Slut? A Narrative of My Spring Break  
By: Anonymous_

_Sunset Boulevard, a beautiful city that looks like it's been copy-pasted from a magazines front page. Between the beautiful boulevard to the exquisite restaurants, no wonder it is a popular destination for Californian students and tourists alike._

_Yet. The more time I spent there, the more I wanted to get away. It is no fun when one doesn't know the word 'no.'_

_Slut-shaming has become a popular phenomenon across campus. When one is criticized for their promiscuous behavior, they reply with: "Are you trying to slut-shame me? I bet if I were a man, you wouldn't say those things."_

_Before you bring out your pitchforks, please understand I am all for equality and feminism. However, that is a two-way street and no means no, right?_

_Last night, Taylor Swift, sat on my couch and tried to kiss me without permission. I pushed her off me and she kept trying to convince me that it was 'ok' and if she kept trying hard enough, my instincts would kick in and she'd have her way with me._

_You want to know what I hear most of the time when I reject women?_

_"What are you, gay or something?" Well, technically...but that's beside the point._

_Just wanted to let you know that there is a difference between slut-shaming which Slut-shaming is the practice of criticizing women and girls who are perceived to violate expectations of behavior and appearance regarding issues related to sexuality. What happened to me last night goes far beyond sexuality. This is about how some people think no means 'try harder.'_

Harry didn't publish this one in the school newspaper. No, he didn't want to lose his job. Instead, he posted it on the school bulletin board for the world to see. Was it poorly written? Sure, but he couldn't be bothered by that, not now.

Just like last night, _LouisLouisLouis_ continued to dance around in his mind. Last night, he couldn't even sleep. It didn't help any that Ed was his roommate and wanted to kill him. Sleeping with one eye open can make anyone go crazy, but every time he looked over, there was Ed shooting daggers with his eyes.

He fucked up. He knew he fucked up. He just had to make it right...but there wasn't a way. Then again, he didn’t even do anything with her….it was just a moment of weakness of not wanting to sleep alone. Was it that bad?

Then again, he knew, it wasn’t a debate of being good or bad: it was about the battle between love and war. 

\------ 

**TRIGGER WARNING: Reader Discretion Advised** (Please read with caution - intimate partner violence)

The first night that Clay came over, a suspicious calmness floated like clouds in the sky in the air. He comforted Louis, listened sympathetically and stroked his hair, rummaging his fingers amidst each cinnamon strand, as he told his fable of a man scorned. He reassured him when he said he would never be Taylor or forgive himself for treating Clay the way he had. They spent the night watching Netflix, cuddling; spending time together. When Louis fell asleep with a book by T.S. Elliot lazily strewn across his chest, Clay removed it quietly and covered him up.

When Louis awoke the next morning, with a small smile on his face, meager as he was, he thought that perhaps the worst was behind him. Bright futures? He and Harry never were an item, not really, so how can what happened be considered cheating? And Clay had apologized readily and repeatedly for his behaviors. He didn't mean it. He had his anger behind him and was ready, too, for sunny days lying in wait.

He did not anticipate that one text message; one vibration from the phone; one notification would bring things back to what he'd come to abnormally know as normal.

Teeth pushing together, desperate to bite through the space between top and bottom, Clay furrowed into a feral snarl and psychosis loomed about the air amidst he and Louis - now his prey; now an object to own and to dominate. Ears hot, hands feeling heavy, "Who the fuck?" he demanded, sounding more like statement than question, and flailed to procure to the phone from Louis' cradling hands.

"Oh, it's just Harry!" Louis said nonchalantly. "He keeps apologizing, begging for a second chance..." he giggled.

"Oh? I thought you'd block his number by now..."

"Guess I didn't think about it really... been enjoying my time with you..." Louis giggled again.

"That's your problem, Lou. You don't think." He barked. Louis tried to grab his phone back, but Clay shoved him against the wall. "Passcode? Because you're hiding shit?" Clay demanded.

"...Clay, please. I thought we were past this..." Louis scoffed in disbelief.

"I'm breaking it then!" Clay slobbered, voice feeling scratchy from the sudden force and change in air about what he might be capable of, developing a rasp that could kill. And that's what he wanted; for Louis to know he may break him, forget about the phone.

_Head down. Stay still. Give in. Obey._

During the milliseconds between the threat and Louis processing the four numbers that should spew from his mouth, Clay couldn't hold his stagger. With what rage was set in motion, his body twirled an arm extended, fingers releasing the phone to meet its shattered self and it sprinkled the floor with the shrapnel that is emotional warfare.

Louis couldn't care ( _how do I make me safe?)_

"So how was Spring Break, really?" Clay sneered. "Bet you and Styles had fun bashing me... how you were going to run away in the sunset together...until he found out how boring you are in bed and replaced you with that chick of his, just like I did with Kristen. God, Lou. Listen! People only want you for the challenge and what a shame, you're not even a challenge, just an easy fucking slut, aren’t you? Easy, fucked, and forgotten. Is that your name? We both know it is - it's who you are. I feel so very sorry for you, Lou. What it must be like to know you'll never be loved."

Heart palpitations hiding from him, Louis' mind was running across the asphalt, dying to meet the neighbors. You can't make cake without sugar, and isn't that what neighbors are for? Did they mean it? Can they make it stop? _I don't know how - how I got from here to now. What do I do to make it through? Let's get Clay back to okay. Please be okay so I can be okay._

It had already happened before Louis realized Clay's knuckles were white, pressed against his collarbone and the fabric of his shirt sewn through his fingers. Louis' face turned white to match - he must have seen a ghost. Clay's forearms tensed, his elbows bent, his biceps strained, and with all his weight, his shoulders caved to bring his prey to meet the linoleum in a perfect position to be choked.

"You take it so well," Clay laughed manically. "You're so much thinner than last time," He observed. "What's the matter...have nothing to say?" 

Gasping for air, Louis placed his hands on top of Clay's, an effort to signal he was hurting him. 

Inside of his head, memories flipped through pages in a yearbook. Suddenly, he was 16 kissing Clay for the first time, 17 sharing something he'd never get back. How could someone who once loved him so much do this? It wasn't so. It was all a misunderstanding. Suddenly, he was in college trying out for the soccer team, a promising career. 

Standing in front of the mirror, he looked at himself, 20 years old - _my how thin I was. I wish I could look like that now. I'm not trying hard enough._

Then, there was Harry Styles. The beautiful, green eyed man who tried and tried to give him love and affection, and all Louis could do was pledge allegiance to Clay and Ana (anorexia). How was this so? _I made a mistake, and I'm so sorry, Harry._

As he felt a sharp pain radiating through his shoulder, he hummed in amusement. Clay, like Taylor, was fools gold. 

\------~

Moon aglow, Niall's key was intricately, intimately reintroduced to the keyhole adjoining two separate worlds: home and... not home. Reeling and laughing with Maisie, tossing luggage around carelessly happy to have had such a great time and happy to be home to rest, he stumbled for the light switch in the kitchen but was greeted first by Louis' sleeping torso, and he tripped and fell and lay face to face with someone who looked mostly like Louis but with bruises and blood but still Louis.

"What the fuck, Louis?!"

Fading from comatose to consciousness, Louis managed a short simple phrase: "What time is it?"

"We just got back, Lad….but I don’t understand…what happened?"

"I don't' know." _But I'm hurting. I feel dead inside._

Barley conscious, Louis stared at a silhouette under the fluorescent light, beaming like a halo adorning the crown of his head. "Mommy....." he uttered. The words tasted funny rolling off his tongue. "You've come to take me home."

"Lad?" Niall called out confused, trying to stand Louis on his feet. "It's me, Niall."

When Niall saw a pool of red stained on the back of Louis' skinny jeans, he knew this was not the act of inebriation. He wished it was. Oh, how he wished it was. But the more he examined; he could feel his heart race. When he saw some blood dried on his calves, he realized this happened hours earlier. When he heard Louis howl out in pain, he knew this time was different.

"My angel...." Louis whispered one last time before fading out of consciousness again.

"Maisie, call for help!" Niall shouted.

For Louis, nestled in Niall's arms, everything went black.

**~*~*~*~*~**

"Mommy...." Louis whispered.

Shaking his head in sorrow, Niall tried to correct him, let him know that it was just him....his Irish friend. "No, Lad, it's just me. I found you in the kitchen....do you remember what happened?"

Louis shook his head 'no,' unable to speak. He wasn't even sure where he was, what time it was, or why his body ached so much. It wasn't until hour later when the doctor came in the emergency room holding his laptop that the pair received answers.

"Mr. Horan, your friend here has a stress fracture to his ankle. He has bite marks on his shoulder and hand which correlate with someone who tries to defend themselves. He has bruising on his torso, thighs, and handprints around his neck.”

"Wait....what?" Niall felt his eye welt up with tears. "You mean to tell me that Louis has been...."

"Yes, Mr. Horan. There’s been an assault. Do you have any idea who could’ve done this?” The doctor sternly asked.

"Clay Johnson....." Niall balled his fist together. "His ex boy-friend."

"Lab results show he is slight malnourished as well, low blood sugar too. We're going to keep him in the crisis unit a few days and release him soon. We cannot press charges if he doesn't want that. He's an adult. You were a good friend bringing him in, son," The doctor patted him on the shoulder, giving him an understanding smile as he walked to another room.

Niall pulled a chair up to Louis' bed. He didn't have much to say, not much he could say. Louis wasn't even conscious. The anxiety-reducing medication had long kicked in. He needed his rest. He needed more than anyone could give him at the moment.

(iMessage)  
Niall: hey  
Liam: hey sup  
Niall: .....nothing much wbu  
Liam: Just sitting here with Z, playing some video games.   
Liam: lol wanna come over   
Niall: no....  
Liam: whats wrong bro  
Niall: its louis  
Liam: I know that he and Harry are fighting but they'll work it out  
Niall: no  
Niall: Something bad happened to him  
Niall: Can you come to the hospital?  
Niall: It’s Clay....

After the name flashed across the screen, Zayn stood up, blood boiling. He contacted Harry and informed him of another code black, saying he was not going to take it easy on Clay; no matter how much of a tree-hugging hippie Harry was. He would ever follow the plan or Zayn would take care of business alone.

Harry agreed, though he wasn't sure what was going on. That is until Zayn explained to him that Louis was in the hospital, neither of them knowing why but who put him there.

They waited in a dark alley until they saw a black mustang pass by, a familiar face sitting in the driver seat.

Without warning, with the clutch still pressed, Zayn floored the gas pedal, the car’s engine screaming in turmoil. He shifted his gear knob to first and let his left foot up. The car wagged its tail, tires spitting tar and spinning furiously until they caught traction and threw where they were behind them.

"What the hell?" Clay shouted in disbelief. He looked over his shoulder, realizing who was behind him and felt his heart drop in his stomach for he knew the sins he committed hours earlier. He tried to turn left, only to be followed closely by the jaguar.

Zayn and Harry looked at each-other, without saying a word, nodding that they had the same plan psychically in mind.

“Get the fuck away from me!” Clay yelled as he tried to turn a curve too sharp.

The jaguar veered into the left lane; the cars perfectly parallel to each-other now. Clay was trying to outrun him, get away the best he could, but the little black mustang was no match for the jaguar. Harry rolled down his window, demanding he pull over.

Clay almost lost control, his steering becoming sloppy. Zayn veered back behind him, following him without any complications before turning off to the hospital.

It wasn’t until the flow of traffic began to get heavy that Clay pulled on the median.

“What the fuck?” He spit.

“You’re done,” Harry threatened as he pulled in behind him, pushing submit on the school article he had saved in his drafts for weeks. “That’s all I have to say.”

“You’re lucky, asshole,” Zayn snapped as they got back into their car, almost to the hospital.

"Do you think that scared him?" Harry asked out of breath.

"Probably not....but it's the best we can do....for now," Zayn smirked as he parked the car and walked into the emergency room.

Upon arrival, they noticed that Liam and Niall had already scooted their chairs up to the bed.

"Hey, you made it. He hasn't been in a room long. Bastards kept him in the ER, on display for the world to see," Niall huffed. "I am going to kill him. I swear it!"

Liam wrapped Niall in a long hug and the others followed suit. Everyone was in too much shock to comment much.

Sighing, Niall handed Harry a pamphlet that was titled _Intimate Partner Violence: What Is It and How You Can Help._ Confused, Harry sat down in a chair and began to read the bullet points one by one, eyes widening at the signs and symptoms. He never heard of intimate partner violence before, and he wish he still was oblivious to it.

"Intimate ** _Partner Violence is when one is exposed to physical, emotional, psychological ,or financial abuse from a significant other._**

**Your partner bullies, threatens, or controls you:**

  * Accuses you of having an affair
  * Blames you for abuse
  * Criticizes you
  * Tells you what to wear and how you should look
  * Threatens to kill you or someone close to you
  * Throws things or punches walls when angry
  * Yells at you and makes you feel small



**Your partner controls your money:**

  * Keeps cash and credit cards from you
  * Puts you on an allowance and makes you explain every dollar you spend
  * Keeps you from working whatever job you want
  * Steals money from you or your friends
  * Won’t let you have money for basic needs like food and clothes



**Your partner cuts you off from family and friends:**

  * Keeps close tabs on where you go and whom you go with
  * Makes you ask for an OK to see friends and family
  * Embarrasses you in front of others, and it makes you want to avoid people



**Your partner physically abuses you:**

  * Abandons you in a place you don’t know
  * Attacks you with weapons
  * Keeps you from eating, sleeping, or getting medical care
  * Locks you in or out of your house
  * Punches, pushes, kicks, bites, pulls hair



**Your partner sexually abuses you:**

  * Forces you to have sex
  * Makes you dress in a sexual way
  * Makes you feel like you owe them sex
  * Tries to give you an [STD](https://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/default.htm)
  * Won’t use [condoms](https://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/birth-control-condoms) or other [birth control](https://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/)



"Wait, what?" Harry asked skimming over the brochure. "What is this? Why did you give this to me?" He asked, pleading for answers. Niall put his head down; there is no way he could say it out loud. Saying it out loud makes it real, and he wasn't ready for that.

"No....No!" Harry wailed. "No....."

He dropped to his knees, throwing the brochure. The paper was light as a feather, however, and landed softly on the cold tile of the hospital room. Louis wasn't even bothered by the commotion in his room. The doctors had him medicated, trying to reduce his stress and let him sleep.

"....That's not all," Niall breathed in. "He's really hurt. He thought I was his Mother...I can't forget it. He was laying in the kitchen...." Tears streamed down his face. For the first time, he let himself feel the sorrow, the helplessness; the same everyone was feeling in the room.

Days later, a trauma specialist came into the room to talk to Louis about what to expect and how to move on. He didn't buy into any of it. He was not a victim, never had been. He didn't remember much about it, in fact. The only evidence he had that it HAD happened to him was the soreness he felt whenever he tried to walk. He couldn't remember much. The counselor called it a _defense mechanism._

She came back the next day, seeing if he wanted to talk about it. Again, he told her there was nothing to talk about. All he could remember is inviting Clay over because he had drunk too much alcohol and wanted to forget Harry's betrayal. That was all – Clay comforted him, not hurt him.

On the third day, the counselor came back with the results. The DNA was linked to Clay. Louis could feel his injuries – the numbness beginning to wear off. He reported remembering that he got a text message from Harry, and maybe Clay got a little upset, but that was it. He asked for his phone. Niall showed him the broken pieces. That's all he wanted to talk about for the day.

Fourth day: Trauma counselor returned. Louis said he couldn't remember anything and turned over to sleep. Liam and Zayn came to visit. They didn't have much to say. Zayn looked him at like he was going to break at any moment. It was strange seeing someone with such a tough exterior on the verge of tears. Liam mostly talked to Niall, wondering how he was doing. He understood it was hard.

On day five, the doctors insist he try to walk on his ankle. When he stood up, he could feel soreness radiating through his body, mostly his skin feeling like he was ripped open. The trauma counselor visited him once more, but he didn't feel like talking today.

Day seven: much of the same. Nobody came to talk to him. He mindlessly watched television, going through the motions of the everyday, refusing his breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

On day eight, a chirpy Niall entered the room. "You get to come home today, Lad!" he exclaimed, gathering Louis' things and putting them in a duffel bag. "I'll pull the car around."

The trauma counselor came in one more time and suggested he go to outpatient counseling for both his eating habits as well as the trauma he had yet admit to. She informed him it was normal to dissociative, but he just told her it was rubbish, and this was all a misunderstanding. He didn't want to press charges on Clay, why would he? It wasn’t abuse if he deserved it. It just didn't make sense....and the bruises, well, he obviously cares and doesn't want others texting him. Jealousy is a sign of love.

The car ride home was quiet. Louis stared at the window, thoughtlessly, emotionless, and still hurting; both physically and mentally. The painkillers were helping with some of it, but they'd never take away the emptiness inside of his heart.

When they reached the apartment, Niall instructed him to stay seated in the car while he unlocked the door and put his belongings up for him. Truth be told, Niall was paranoid that Clay would be lurking around the corner. Not even he felt safe here anymore.

Once he realized the house was clear, he helped Louis inside.

Niall grabbed his phone to tell his friends that they were finally phone but quickly put it back in his pocket when he watched Louis stand in the kitchen, pale and contemplating. Louis was swaying back and forth, as if he was watching memories on a screen.

This is when the veil was revealed. Louis remembered. He remembered.

He remembered fist meeting head. Fist meeting face. Being drug across the floor. His skull being hammered into the linoleum. His ankle being re-injured.

He remembered Clay laying his hands on him, violently, asking him _"How does a slut like to be fucked, huh? Does this feel?”_ He remembers feeling like his body was being ripped from the inside out. He remembers the fraying of skin. He remembers fading out of consciousness.

He remembers. He remembers. He remembers.

"Niall....." He whispered.

Rushing over to his friend, Niall caught him just before he fainted from the shock. He carried Louis into his bedroom, tucking him in before wrapping him tightly in the snuggie he gave him for comfort. He lit the candle Liam got him and put it just under Zayn's sunflower painting. He put the bracelet Harry got him on his wrist and the stuffed frog beside of him. He stroked a few pieces of his hair, wishing he could do more for his friend who lay in fragments.

"You're safe now, Lad. You're safe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.thehotline.org/ - If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic violence, please don't hesitate to reach out.


	15. In the Right Direction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happier times :)

Though it wasn't easy, Niall tried to keep normalcy within the apartment walls. Even though darkness loomed around every corner, for now, it was still home and the place they both felt safe and insane. He would place his laptop on the counter, trying to muster up a nice recipe thinking maybe this would be the day that Louis finally began to eat again.

Yet, every time he went into his room to gather dishes, he would see the food there: untouched, cold, and mocking him. Maisie suggested an in-home therapist to come and talk to him. With what little savings he had, he hired one. He was a nice man, very educated. Niall became pleased when he heard Louis talking to him. He didn't want to eavesdrop, but he was desperate for answers.

He could hear Louis pour his heart out. At first. He just wanted to focus on Harry and the injustice he was feeling. Then, he moved on to the bereavement of his Mother. Finally, the therapist got him to open up about his toxic relationship with Clay and how he was codependent and abused for years without realizing it. The therapist painted a picture how Louis was mentally tortured about a year before the first act of violence even emerged.

 _Sick bastard,_ Niall would often say.

Much to his delight, the therapist incorporated Niall in some of the sessions. He explained to the both of them that he believed some of Louis' closest friends were suffering from secondhand trauma. Niall disagreed at first, but only out of ignorance. He wasn't sure what it was and did not want to take any narrative away from Louis. Yet, the more the therapist talked about it, the more he realized that he fit into the category.

"How did you feel upon finding Mr. Tomlinson in the kitchen.....unclothed, bleeding, not even oriented?"

"Oh, I thought he was drunk," Niall chuckled. "I thought he passed out in the floor....Maisie and I just walked in from our anniversary vacation. Had a blast. I thought Louis was playing around...but then, I saw him there...." Niall quickly furrowed his brows. "I thought you were going to die," he answered truthfully. Louis wiped a tear from his waterline before it could fall down his face, trying to be strong for his friend.

"Do you ever have nightmares about it, Mr. Horan? Or feel confused? Blame yourself? Angry?" The therapist asked as if he was reading from a list. Niall sat looking at his hands in his lap, lip quivering. "It's okay. It just means you were deeply affected by Louis' firsthand trauma."

"Oh, I've been affected for years then," he put his arm behind Louis, pulling him close to him. "This is why we live here and not on campus. I had to get him away from Clay, kicking and screaming. I wanted to protect him. I promised his Mother, you know? I love you so much," Niall pulled him into a hug, sniffling. "I never want to find you like that again!"

Louis rubbed his back softly. He realized that he had been so caught up in himself that he didn't even notice that everyone else was hurting. He sighed, releasing Niall, and slumping deep in his chair.

"So what do we do then?" Niall asked frustrated. "Look at him! He won't eat! I've tried everything...EVERYTHING! His sisters don't have the money to get him help, and I'm doing the best I can. I don't know....Louis, what is it going to take? We have to move on from this. I'm getting married in June and moving in with Maisie. Where is that going to leave you? You're my best-friend. I want you to be happy!"

Without answers, Louis just sat there ashamed for the rest of the session as Niall and the therapist brainstormed ideas for normalcy. Niall discreetly asked him about alternatives when he walked him to his car but the therapist said Louis would not meet criteria for an inpatient treatment program with his current BMI, at-least not one that cared if he had insurance or not. Money makes the world go around.

Though nobody will ever know, Niall cried all afternoon in his room on the phone with Liam. It created a domino effect as it troubled Liam to the point he had to talk to Zayn. Of course, Zayn had to reach out to his best-friend, Harry. Harry, though he and Ed were still having trouble, managed to comfort each-other throughout this topic. Louis probably will never know the impact he had on everyone.

Or maybe he does. That night, looking in the mirror, he saw the hollow cheekbones and sunken eyes greeting him; His legs, once was defined and lean, now looking like little twigs; his stomach that was cut, shaped for a Calvin Klein model now appearing to be childlike, his arms that were one of his most complimented features smaller than his legs even...and the bruises still littered his body. The stiches had not dissolved yet from his tearing.... _Who am I?_

He stared deep into his own eyes, irises that were once so blue, blue as the ocean, dimmed to a hazy grey; and that's when he realized: he hates who he is now. He hated who he was a year ago...so what? What will it take to make him want to have the will to live and feel like a person? What used to make him feel confident, sexy, worthwhile? What can he do to be a role model for his younger sisters? What can he do to make himself less miserable?

Ah, yes. Soccer. Fitness. Empowerment.

Long before Clay stripped away his ability to feel anything but hypervigilant, he was a powerhouse. Long before Ana (anorexia) came to hold him captive, he was robust. Long before he allowed himself to abuse himself with negative self-talk, he was a livewire, a steed, a frontrunner, a trailblazer.

 _Positive self-talk_ , he echoed some words his therapist had been uttering over the past weeks.

"Mom did not give me the name, Louis, that means Warrior for me to lie down and surrender. She did not give me the middle name, William, protector, for me to sit here and do nothing but stress everyone out and push them away!" He said poking at his reflection. "Tomorrow, you're going to fight for your life. Tomorrow, you will find yourself, and you will suit up."

He wasn't sure how motivated or truthful the words spoken could be but as he went to sleep, for the first time, he had pleasant dreams. He dreamt of a boy with long curly hair who liked to wear frilly blouses and cook sitting at his kitchen table, with an apology letter. He dreamt that he kissed his tears away and forgave him. He dreamt that emerald eyes were his saving grace. & that's how he woke up with a smile.

It was 9:00 am and the walk to campus was a bit chilly and daunting on his body. With a ankle still somewhat hurting and pain between his hips, he made the commute to the recreation building. He searched the area, observing all the students using the various machines. It was overwhelming. It had been so long since he worked out. He wasn't sure he could get back into the routine, and even if he could, would he take it too far? Maybe Ana would not let him have control.

_No this is for me. Nobody, nothing. Just me._

As if guided by a compass, he entered a room without a single soul. It had mirrors from wall to wall and ribbons, boxing gloves, and mats everywhere. He sat down in front of the mirror, looking at himself again, grimacing as he noticed how brittle his hair looked.

_God, how the hell was I so lucky to have someone as beautiful as Harry?_

"He is rather gorgeous, isn't he?" A blonde girl, with curves to die for, strong arms, and a confident demeanor said sitting down beside of him.

 _Did I say that out loud?_ He blushed.

"Yes, you did. Welcome to Bebe's Banging Body. I'm Bebe," she laughed. "And you're sick."

"Louis," he corrected her.

"You look like you're on a mission for a change. I can help with that," she offered. "I see you have bruises on you....girl-friend?"

"Boy-friend, ex boy-friend....." He looked at the ground.

"I'll get you strong, ready to fight. You'll never have to go through that anymore, but I won't if you don't agree to not let anyone else abuse you....and that includes yourself," she smiled in the mirror at him. He beamed back, only half buying into it.

"I recognize you. You play Soccer here....used to....but you were benched." She stated matter-of-factly. "And you were in the midst of _talking_  with Styles, my co-teacher of Pilates on Wednesdays...." She giggled. "I didn't pull this information out of my ass. He won't shut up about you," she rolled her eyes. "Although he's right, you're a looker! I can tell....once you're better, you're going to be a bombshell, babe."

Louis cupped his cheeks that were growing pink.

"I like you already, Louis. This is going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!" She said standing up and helping him on his feet. "Come on!" She exclaimed walking toward the door. When Louis didn't follow, as he was confused, she ran back and grabbed him by his arm, pushing him along. "We need to go to your place. I need to see what I'm working with. I'll make you meal plans, stick to it. I'm getting my degree in personal training and nutrition, you know. You can trust me. I have classes Tuesdays and Thursdays – come to them. Wednesdays is Pilates – don't come. You'll be distracted and so will Styles. I'm not doing damage control. Friday nights, come back to my class for a one-on-one," she said assertively. "Ready to get your life back, babe?"

Louis walked with his head down as Bebe tugged him along. He reflected on the whole conversation and wondered if he could really keep up with all the fitness and lifestyle changes she was trying to implement all that once but really she peaked his interest the most with a certain other topic.

"So Harry talks about me?" He perked up as she rolled her eyes and pushed him along the path to his house. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Here. Make sure he gets these," Bebe handed Niall her shopping list and casually placed her white shades on her face.

Niall gave her an awkward look. He hardly knew the woman, yet, here she was barking orders at him and throwing away good food. "Don't give me that look leprechaun. Do you want him to get better or not? I suggest you listen to me!" She snapped but returned her face into a smile.

"I just....I don't think you know Louis yet. He's a fireball....angry when it comes to this not eating thing and you barge in here trying to change him....he's just going to end up angry at both of us...." Niall glanced down at the paper. "Steak? Chicken? Egg? Bread, even? Girl, you're...."

Bebe removed her shades, looking at him fiercely. "Well, all I know is, he's ready and you have to be onboard. Give him so credit. He's navigating the stages of change and he's already in the action phase," she smiled. "Getting married in June, eh? Louis said he wanted to be fit for your day so you wouldn't look at him so pitiful. Hop on the Bebe express, help him train. You won't regret it," she winked.

Niall looked over the grocery list one more time. It had to be worth a shot, right? Besides, maybe she was right. Louis had been going to class, keeping up with his student teaching, reading his poetry again. He maintained the therapy sessions with minimal resistance and Niall swore he saw Louis wearing his red bracelet again.

It was confirmed when Louis casually strolled into the kitchen, oversized periwinkle sweater hanging off his thin frame.

"Bebe already left?" He pouted.

"Yeah, she wants us to go shopping for food...." Niall hesitated. "I can go with Maisie if you're not up for it, though."

"No, no. It's fine." Louis walked over to Niall and read the list, exacerbating. "It's only nourishment and is a friend in my journey for total happiness," he recited what Bebe told him. "It's only nourishment. It's only nourishment...." He repeated.

"Do you care if the Lads come over tomorrow? We're having a gaming night...."

"Not at all. I'll probably just stay in my room, writing or something," Louis shrugged.

 _Almost completely back to normal,_ Niall took that as a small win.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

It was nearly noon when Zayn strolled casually into Harry's dorm. Ed had the door propped open with his amp, strumming his acoustic guitar carelessly. Harry didn't even flinch when Zayn came and sat on top of him, rocking back and forth.

Ed stopped playing for a minute. "He's been like this for awhile. Party, sleep, repeat. He thinks I'm still mad at him but I'm over it. The witch tried to get with me, Shawn, and Harry. How is that hardly his fault...but I guess he's having trouble forgiving himself."

Licking his lips, Zayn hopped off Harry's back and sat down in a computer chair. "He took it pretty hard....what happened to Louis. I mean we all felt  _something_  but Harry, he feels responsible like he could have done more or protected him if that didn't happen with Taylor...but what he doesn't see is Louis would have made any excuse to go back to Clay. He wasn't ready to fully let him go, but he wasn't ready to let Harry go either. It's nobody's fault but Clay's."

"I guess so," Ed agreed.

Suddenly, Zayn felt a pillow hit his face. "I'm right here, you know. Why are you talking about me?" Harry groaned turning over.

"Get your ass up, Styles!" Zayn demanded. "We're going hiking, all of us!" Ed scoffed. "You too, Sheeran!"

"No, I'm not. I am sleeping off my hangover, then I'm going to my journalism class....and then I'm going to go to a party tonight." Harry stated matter-of-a-fact.

"Eh, suit yourself..." Zayn warned a he retrieved his phone out of his pocket and sent for reinforcement. Moments later, Liam and Shawn all crowded in the small room.

Liam and Zayn both picked up Harry, carrying him out into the hallway. "No! Guys! Put me down!" He demanded.

"Dress for hiking. 5 minutes. Do I have to fix everything around here?"

Ed and Shawn laughed nervously as Harry rolled his eyes, wanting to argue back but his hangover just wouldn't let him.

Liam walked toward him, giving him a kiss on the cheek. Harry rolled his eyes when Zayn's resting bitch face instantly melted into a fond smile. 

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*

It was beautiful at the top of the trail. You could see the whole city, the lights just now coming on. Harry sat down, his feet dangling over the cliff, admiring the majestic scenery in front of him; trying to clear his head. Shawn tried to tap him on the shoulder but Zayn lit a cigarette and stopped him. He needed this quiet, this meditation.

The whole way up the trail, Zayn gave him a lecture how it okay to try and help someone but you can't lose yourself trying to save them.

_"I really liked you and Louis together, not gonna lie....but you sorta just stopped taking care of yourself. You'd text him all the time when you weren't with him, and couldn't go a day without wanting to stay over there. Do you see me doing that? No. I incorporate Liam into my life, not make him my life. You lost your footing."_

_"He needed me," Harry said defensively._

_"He did indeed but do you know where that left you?" Liam chimed in. "Suffocated. Needing release...hurting him, hurting you...putting a strain on our whole inner circle."_

_"I think about him a lot. I still miss him."_

_"Yeah?" Ed scoffed. Zayn shot him a look saying 'don't start.'_

_"Come to game night tomorrow. Be yourself."_

With eyes wide open, he looked out at the scenery and opened his arms. He took in the breeze beating on his back and the warmth of the atmosphere cuddling his inner being. Not soon after, Shawn, Ed, Zayn, and Liam sat beside of him, admiring the sunset as well.

**~*~*~*~**

"These are so cute!" Bebe said taking little meatballs out of the oven. "Louis, you did such a good job!"

"Thanks," he blushed. He felt his arms give out, almost dropping the tray..

"Soon you'll be able to pick that up in no time!" She smacked his ass playfully. "You excited for this 'gaming' party?"

"Never thought I'd be making appetizers that for sure...." Louis giggled. "Hey, do I look okay?" He asked rubbing his turquoise sweater.

"Fabulous! Why?"

"No reason...."

"Uh-huh...." Se teased. "Well that's all for the day. I'll see you on Monday bright and early. Remember your calorie intake. It's just fuel. Your body needs it, k?" She reached in to give him a small hug. "Ugh, so bony! Bye!"

Louis stood twiddling with his thumbs as Bebe looked back at him. "What's wrong?"

"....You don't think I'm attractive like this....is that why Harry slept with Taylor and Clay took advantage of me?"

"I'm sorry, Lou. You're right. I'm all about body positive and here I am making snarky comment about yours. It's just a little scary, you know? You look so sick but I'm trying to help you get better. I think Harry slept with Taylor because he thought you didn't like him that way. Things aren't always as they seem. Maybe he was feeling bad about himself too...."

"Bebe....." Louis asked seasoning more appetizers. "Can you stay for the party?"

"Of course. Come on, let's Sautee some spinach."

~*~*~*~*~

When the doorbell rang, Niall and Maisie answered and greeted everyone warmly. Various foods were on the table in front of the television. Ed helped himself immediately claiming the red controller.

"Looks delicious!"

"Thanks. Louis made most of it," Niall bragged.

"Oh he did? Well tell him he's a good cook."

"Sure thing," Niall chuckled.

Louis heard the doorbell, retreating to his room with Bebe. They were sitting Indian style on his pink carpet, trying to eat their dinner. Bebe watched as Louis arranged his food, just as he had for every meal he had eaten since Ana took over his mind.

She watched as he picked out the spinach and artichokes, trying to avoid the white dip. He cut his meatballs into small portion, almost mushy. The pigs in the blanket croissants were being avoided.

"Does this make it taste better?" She asked confused.

"No....." Louis looked down at his plate, wiping a tear from his waterline.

"Is this too much? Do you want something else?" She put her hand on his shoulder. He nodded.

"Okay, let's go look. Definitely need protein though, okay? Let's go see,"

They exited his room and walked into the kitchen. She put his plate on food on the kitchen counter and opened the refrigerator eyeing all the various options.

"Louis......" Harry breathed in sitting down his casserole on the counter.

Louis tugged at his sweater, anxiety ripping through him.  _Do I look okay? Is he going to ignore me? What if I am too much of a mess for him?_

"Harry...."

Bebe looked on, holding her breath. "I'm just going to go hangout in this room...." She said walking into the living room.

"How are you?"

"I... uh...good," Louis lied. "Training and trying to pick up all the broken pieces. I haven't seen you since the hospital."

"I know...I just figured you hated me and never wanted to see me again....so I stayed away.... but the hospital, I had to see if you were okay...."

"I am okay," Louis nodded.

"You are okay," Harry repeated.

Louis observed Harry. His hair was up in a bun, black floral blouse hung loosely on his skin and his white skinny jeans draped lazily over his boots. He was as beautiful as he remembered him, though it had been awhile since he saw him. He was as kind and sweet, everything he imagined him to be.

"I saw your article in the paper.... about Clay......" Louis said dipping out some of the casserole Harry made and putting it on a plate before walking toward his room. "Is it true?"

"You haven't heard?" Harry asked surprised, following him to his room. "He was arrested yesterday along with three other players. They found drugs in his bag, Louis. Conditioning starts soon, right? They checked everyone's bags, including yours, but only found it in 4 players." Harry smirked, leaving out the part that Zayn planted the Adderall in Zayn's. The other players were guilty on their own. "School officials asked me to do a follow up of the Senior captain in August. Heard they're having try outs soon...."

"Clay's arrested?" Louis asked sitting down on his carpet with his plate. Harry nodded.

The thoughts consumed Louis like a tidal wave. Clay was arrested, not for what he did to Louis, but because Harry took matters into his own hands. He didn't press charges against him. He was still powerless. He had this casserole in his lap trying to eat it, but the guilt was holding him back. Powerless. He tried to resist looking into the emerald eyes with that shimmering hope, but he couldn't; powerless.

"Powerless," he uttered out loud. "Powerless!" He shouted. "POWERLESS!"

He picked up his plate, steadying it in the palm of his hand, about to throw it across the floor but Harry's reflexes were faster. He sat the plate down behind him, wrapping his long arms around Louis, turning him so he was straddling his lap. He let Louis nestle his head in the space between his head and shoulder.

"Harry, do you think I am powerless?"

"Never thought you were, Louis. Despite everything you've been through: your mom, Clay, depression.... you still try. Bebe told me you are meeting with her. You're trying. I hurt you really bad, but you're letting me hold you; not because you think of me as an extension of Clay, someone you have to be nice to but someone you want to be around.... I hope at least."

"And you know what, Louis? You're strong, so strong." Harry reached behind himself, pulling the plate up and grabbing the fork. "Strong," he kissed his nose and held the fork in front of Louis, waiting until he opened his mouth and took a bite. "Strong."

Suddenly, Louis hopped up, pushing Harry away, running outside toward the meadow.

When the door slammed, Niall rushed over to Harry who was about to follow him. "No, Lad. Don't. Tell me what happened first."

"Nothing...I talked to him.... tried to get him to eat....put him in my lap. Nothing happened."

"Don't touch him, Harry, you idiot." Niall sighed heavily. "Okay, look I'm sorry. You're not an idiot. What happened to him.... therapist said it's going to take a long time, alright? To feel  _normal."_

".... I should go...." Harry put his head down. "I'm sorry everyone."

Everyone watched as the door swung back open, revealing Louis who was sobbing and standing there. "No, don't go." He said. "Please. Don't go." He walked toward Harry, grabbing his hand, guiding him back toward his room. Niall walked behind them, trying to supervise the moment but Bebe stopped him.

"Harry...." Louis closed his bedroom door, locking it. He pushed Harry against the bedroom door, putting them chest to chest.

"What's going through that head of yours?" Harry asked confused, arms hanging down the side of his body. He dared touch Louis after what Niall warned.

"I'm only as good as a good fuck, then you're done with me, right?"

"What?" Harry asked confused.

"Easy, fucked, forgotten then you're done with me. That's my name isn't it? So here I am, fuck me and leave me alone...."

"Louis!"

"Isn't it what you want from me, Harry? All the gifts, the poetry, spending the night in my floor...right here.... promising to protect me from the monsters...." He gripped Harry's jeans, trying to undo the button. "The monsters found me."

"Louis, I..."

"No, Harry. Fuck me and be done with it because all I ever am going to be good for is a good fuck; whether I want to be or not."

"No, Lou, no. Look at me, look right at me." Harry grabbed his hands, pulling them into his chest. "What he did to you is not okay. What he said to you is not okay. I will never talk to you again if that means you have inner peace. I will never touch you if it does nothing but hurt you...." Harry bent down, resting their foreheads together. "But I promise you no matter whose lips I kiss or whose hand I'm holding, they'll never be you. You'll always be the one that got away."

Harry released his hands and grasp the doorknob.

"Wait!" Louis said, grabbing him one more time. Harry turned around; confused, exhausted, unable to filter his thoughts.

Louis jumped, wrapping his small legs around Harry. Harry responding by catching him, putting his hands under his thighs and pulling him closer to his torso.

"You caught me."

"I always will."

"I need time."

"Come to me when you're ready, Lou. Please."

"I will."

Harry put him down, making sure he was steady and walked him over to the casserole. He pulled Louis into his lap once again. He put the fork in Louis' hand and helped him scoop up his food. He watched as Louis put the bite in his mouth on his own. Though it took nearly an hour and many tears later, he finished his plate.

"I have all the time in the world," Harry said patting his hair softly.

"Want to go play games?" Louis asked. Though he didn't know why, he felt uncomfortable being alone in the room with Harry. Memories of Clay circled danced around. He didn't feel safe. Sometimes, he felt that way when it was just, he and Niall. Maybe it was the apartment. Maybe it was his mind. Maybe it's because once you're abused, your body isn't the only thing that suffers...  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to use self-care.


	16. It's What the Sunflowers Do

The Spring semester ended without any remorse. Louis watched as some of his grades declined to C's, and even though they were still passing, student teaching is a very competitive field. He took it as a small victory, happy to have completed his courses at all and set his sights to move forward. He added it to the list of things he wanted to improve in August.

It had been three long months since he made a commitment to himself to recovery from his afflictions. If the walls could talk, they would paint a story of a broken man screaming silently in his pillow over the smallest things: having to eat bacon for breakfast, or a sandwich for lunch. Sometimes, he still didn't eat anything.

Then, there were the times when he would eat too much and indulge in excessive exercise to over compensate. The treadmill would be his best-friend as he ran miles and miles, feeling the burn in his thighs, calves, and the pounding of his heart. With sweat beading down his back, he'd look at the mirror in front of him and go,  _just go_. Thoughts would swirl around his mind: the trauma, the grief, the low self-esteem.

It wouldn't stop there. No, he'd go to his classes with Bebe lying to her, telling her that he was doing okay. She'd ask him why he was so exhausted, and he'd say he wasn't sure, but it didn't take long for her to catch on. She had to do research on replacing restricting food with excessive exercise in anorexia. Much to dismay, she learned it was a common co-occurring eating disorder known as orthorexia. It explained why he refused to eat certain foods and stayed focused on eating nothing but "clean."

After a stern talking with his therapist and Niall, Louis couldn't argue that he was replacing one affliction with another. With the help of some relaxation and coping skills, he began to navigate through the stages of grief and the phases of recovery from trauma with all he had left.

As he tried to write in his journal, he realized that anorexia was not the only recovery journey he had to navigate through. Clay was keeping him stuck in the negative headspace. It was most obvious when Harry came over. He'd bring silly board games or movies to watch and instead of being receptive, Louis would lash out in anger most days. He had long forgiven him for the Spring Break mishap [that was nothing but a misunderstanding], but something inside of him still felt afraid.

Perhaps Harry was only like this temporarily until he got what he wanted, and then he'd turn off his charm and turn on the abuse. Doesn't history always repeat itself? Didn't Clay say that all he was good for was a good fuck and he lacked common sense? Surely, Harry would think those things too.

That's when Zayn would get deployed to put out small fires for the both of them. Harry was his best-friend and he didn't want him to drown in Louis' despair, but for whatever reason, he felt protective of Louis and wanted him to get better. So, he'd plan friend activities or the whole gang to do, often making Louis feel safe to be around everyone. It was baby steps but still moving forward.

Mid-June soccer practice resumed. No matter if Clay got arrested or not, he would have graduated in May and the spot would be open for anyone who wanted to try out. Louis never thought of himself as a captain. Sure, he had the flare, sass, and leadership skills before – but right now, he found it extremely difficult to navigate through the day to day, much less run an entire team.

Yet, Niall would not take that for an answer. Together, they focused on leg and torso strengthening. Niall would tell him it was time to give up his defender position and be captain.

When the wedding came near, Niall took Louis to the tux shop and helped him find the perfect suit. When the tailor took his measurements, he nearly cried. Standing in front of the ceiling to floor mirror, he looked at his transformed body: a metamorphosis complete. His arms were defined again and the cheekbones that once lacked vibrancy, now shined with a define jawline to die for. Niall smirked at his friend.

"Kinda jealous.... Maisie may leave me for you," he said jokingly.

"Not my type. I'm saving myself for someone."

"That you are, Lad," he said patting him on the back. "Periwinkle. It's your color. No questions asked. Periwinkle vest."

Louis smiled, wrapping his friend in a tight embrace. Together they cried.

They cried because Niall would be moving out, thus starting a new chapter of both of their lives. They cried because Louis was feeling self-conscious and Niall assured him, he looked great. They cried because Niall was scared about getting married. They cried because they were going to miss each other.

& most importantly, they cried because they didn't know what tomorrow brings.

"Maisie is going to be beautiful," Louis said wiping Niall's eyes.

"I don't doubt it. She's beautiful every second of every day." Niall smiled. "And so are you. So proud of you, Lou."

Louis lightly punched him in the arm before burying his head in the crook of his neck. The tailor man came with a tape measure to measure the length of his pants but quietly walked out when he saw the moment in the mirror. He didn't want to spoil the session.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Summer heat showed its mercy today for the wedding that had Niall and his friends on edge for months. Everyone was worried that they'd be uncomfortable and sweaty since he announced the venue would be outside. California is beautiful, sure, but the humidity and heat index were something that was relentless at times. However, everyone breathed a little better to learn that there was a cool breeze passing by them.

When Louis parked his car outside, he felt the nerves setting in as the parking lot was already full and he was one of the only few people who  _needed_ to be here this early. How many people had Maisie invited?

As he made his way to the little dressing room, he smiled at the classy decorated chairs. Draped with hues of pink taffy and white, he noticed they really complimented the beach overlay.

He walked into the dressing room that was titled  _Best Man_  and ran his hand down his tailored suit. He removed his shirt slowly, unsure if he was able to continue with this. The guestlist was in the hundreds and he just wasn't ready to be seen.

Feeling his throat tighten, he opened the door to get some fresh air.

"Harry!" He said, cheeks turning red. "You shouldn't be looking at me like this!"

"Well, I know it's a superstition to not let the groom see the bride before the wedding but lucky for you, we're neither," Harry chuckled.

Louis met his gaze with the ground, holding a hand over his stomach. "No, I mean...like this...." He said slowly walking back into his dressing room.

Harry followed him, sitting them both down. He removed Louis' arm from his waist and smiled at him fondly. "I think you look amazing," he purred. "Haven't seen you like this since Spring Break. You looked great then, too, don't get me wrong. I think you're beautiful no matter what."

"But now, now you look strong, Lou – like you are able and ready to put all of this gloom behind you and finally be happy." Harry placed his hand on the small of Louis' waist. He could see Louis' tense his shoulders, moving a little back out of Harry's grasp. "I'd like you to be happy with me."

Louis opened his mouth to speak but couldn't find the words. He threw himself in Harry's neck – the place he often retreated to when he was upset and rested his head there. Harry could feel the moist combination of tears and breath forming. He rubbed Louis' back tenderly, as always, and let the moment pass. He thought to himself he was glad the moment could pass and that Louis was at least able to deescalate somewhat these days rather quickly.

"Like I said, all the time in the world for you." Harry reassured him, kissing him on the head and leaving him to let him get ready in peace.

He put his suit on and looked in the mirror. He practiced smiling. As the best man, it was his sole duty to make sure that Niall had the best day possible and nothing could get in the way of that; surely not his self-worth and negative talk. No, he was going to smile no matter what; and a part of him was really happy to be at this wedding. He realized it wasn't about him, and the walk down the aisle was only a small moment, and everyone was anticipating on seeing Maisie and Niall anyway.

"You can do this," he said poking himself in the mirror and so he put on his white undershirt, periwinkle vest, and black suit jacket and stood tall.

He walked out the dressing room and found Niall who was probably the happiest he's ever been in his entire life, and that was saying a lot because Niall was one of the happiest people he knew.

Guest were beginning to take their seat. All the bridesmaids and groomsmen lined up to interlock with their partner.

"This is it, huh?" Niall asked unsteady on his feet.

"This is it," Louis repeated.

"I can't feel my knees," Niall giggled. "So nervous."

"Maisie will make a wonderful Horan, don't worry. Jut be yourself." Louis stood with his hands in his pocket. "Just do as we've been practicing and don't be clumsy."

Niall looked on as he took his place in the back of the line, Louis in front of him. He hugged him from behind. The pianist began to play soft music. Ushers and bridesmaids began to walk down the aisle, taking their place on their side of the altar.

"You can do this, you can do this!" Louis chanted to himself, giving his vest a small tug. He felt his knees shake.

Liam, Zayn, Ed, and Shawn looked on, waiting for the others to make it down the aisle. Harry stood beside Zayn, knee shaking as he watched Louis make his way down the aisle.

Louis was staring right at him, smiling, as if Harry was the only thing keep him composed. Harry felt that. He had been questioning if Louis felt the same way about him since the beginning of their 'friendship' but this evening, he got a small confirmation. He gazed deep into the blue eyes he's grown to love and saw that the blue was staring right back into his emerald, impatiently waiting to take his place on the altar beside him.

"Amazing," Harry purred in his ear. Louis elbowed him playfully.

Niall was next to walk down. He waved at everyone cheerfully as he made his way beside Louis, trying to not make jokes and be serious. It just wasn't in his nature.

The little ring bearer and flower girl began to throw petals. The guest watched on, waiting on anticipation for Maisie to make her appearance.

Then the  _bridal march_  began to play, and everyone stood up.

Maisie, holding her bouquet of flowers, draped in her veil, walked down the aisle, looking right at Niall who was already looking at her. He never seen someone so perfect for him: the inside and out. She could handle his quirks and they balanced each other out, a complimentary personality.

Her train trailed behind her, eloquently draping over the flowers previous thrown. She made her way to Niall and turning toward him.

Their vows were beautiful: simple but telling of their romance about meeting in university and falling in love over being the up and coming rivalries in the real estate market.

"Maisie, you are the most astounding mother I know. You have the most beautiful blue eyes I've never had the pleasure of looking into. The way you carry yourself with such poise and grace is princess-like. You always keep me in balance. When something happened, you always point out how I can be hard on everyone and sometimes let too much logic and reason cloud the emotional wellbeing of others." _Louis nodded as everyone giggled._ "But through everything, you've been my strength, my confidant, and I couldn't imagine anyone else standing here with me but you. I never wanted to get married. I never wanted to settle down. I just wanted to play golf and act like a bachelor.... until I met you. I can't imagine life without you now. I am so happy you're going to be Mrs. Maisie Skye Horan."

Everyone watched as Maisie and Niall's mother shed tears.

"Niall, do you take this woman to be your wife, to live together in matrimony, to love her, to honor her, to comfort her, and to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do."

Notary asks the woman, "Maisie, do you take this man to be your husband, to live together in matrimony, to love him, to honor him, to comfort him, and to keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"

Woman answers, "I do."

Notary states, "Repeat after me." To the man: "I, Niall, take you Maisie, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."

"I, Maisie, take you Niall, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."

"Place this ring on the Maisie's finger and repeat the following, "I give you this ring as a token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love." (Niall does as instructed). "Maisie, please repeat the following. I give you this ring as a token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love." (Maisie does with tears.)

"Please join hands. By virtue of the authority vested in me under the laws of the State of California, I now pronounce you husband and wife." The preacher turned toward Niall. "You may kiss the bride."

Niall took Maisie and dipped her low, kissing her slow, passionately. The audience whistled and clapped. As Niall stopped kissing her to catch his breath, he wiggled his eyebrows at the crowd to only begin kissing her again.

"Thank you all for coming. There will be a reception in honor of Mr. and Mrs. Horan under the canopy to your left," the preacher concluded.

Louis let out his first breath of the evening. He made his down the small stage and took his seat at the reception. Harry soon followed.

"Where are they going on their honeymoon?" Harry asked.

"Ireland," Louis beamed.

"Aww. Niall will love that. Maisie too, meet his side of the family." Harry retorted as Louis nodded. "Hey, what are you doing after the wedding?"

"Probably pack. Gotta be out by the end of the month. Why?" Louis asked.

"Because I was thinking I could come over tonight and we could have movie night or stay up all night writing poetry.... or have a campout in your room....or listen to music....or...." Harry continued to name things. "I just wanna spend time with you.... if you wanna spend time with me, I mean."

Louis looked up, eyeing the bubbly champagne that was on the table. He took a sip, trying to stay in the present moment and not let Harry' face transform into Clay's. He didn't want this to happen anymore. Harry sensed his anxiety but remembered what Niall said about not touching him. He fought the urge to brush his shoulder

"I'd love that," Louis said twiddling with Harry's fingers. "But first: excuse me everyone!" He banged his fork against the side of his glass. "A toast to the groom, Niall James Horan. Without you, I'm not sure if I could make it in this crazy world. I don't know where I'd be without you, man. You're the best friend any one could have. Maisie, I think you're perfect for him."

He quickly sat down as the room cheered, his face growing red.

"Look at you being all social," Harry stroked the back of his hand.

The reception continued. Waiters were beginning to come out with the four-course meal. The first course was mushrooms stuffed with feta and spinach. The waiters kept bringing the food out. The second entrée was a house salad. Then the main course: grilled swordfish or filet mignon.

Louis chose the swordfish, figured it would be much healthier and less fattening than the latter. He tried not to let his emotions show. Though his body was the epitome of healthy, chaos still erupted in his mind. He grabbed his utensils trying to go through his ritual of separating his food.

Slowly, he began to eat. A small smile grazed his lips at the taste. Bebe's words still echoed in his mind that it was nourishment. & maybe today for the first time, the food tasted delicious.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Wow! You have almost everything packed!"

Harry walked into the apartment complex and allowed his eyes to focus on all the changes ensuing. The couch had already been long gone as Niall and Maisie moved it into their new house. The trophy case had nothing left it but Louis' soccer and academic awards, Niall's absent. The kitchen table stood alone without chairs.

"Do you know what dorm you're assigned to yet?"

Harry was trying desperately to make small-talk. Louis was so happy and cheerful at the wedding, or so it seemed. He was social; talkative and shaking everyone's hand. He even ate some of the dinner. Why was he so quiet now?

Harry gently grabbed his hand, pulling him into his bedroom. It was the only room left with furniture. Louis, of course, hadn't packed a thing hardly.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked softly, rubbing circles in the back of his hand. He didn't want the sullen silence: the one that left a dim atmosphere in the air. The silence was all too familiar, and Harry knew it meant that Louis may have been here in body but his mental state was long decomposed.

"Huh?" Louis asked meeting his gaze.

"I just ask what you're thinking about," Harry repeated softly, positioning himself behind Louis and wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Oh, sorry," he blushed. "Just all the changes I guess.... when Niall gets back from Ireland, he'll be living with Maisie. I still have yet to apply for housing.... takes so much energy, you know? And then, of course....us...like, what are we?" Louis put his head to Harry's chest, peeking behind his shoulder to meet his gaze.

"It is a lot of changes...." Harry validated. "But you know what? They're good changes! Niall met the love of his life at a young age. How lucky is he? And this apartment has so many bad memories that campus will be a fresh start. You're captain of the team now, Lou. People will rely on you to be social and be a confidant to them....and us? We are whatever you want us to be. That's in your hands." Harry brought his hand up to his mouth, kissing it slightly.

Blushing, Louis turned around. He put his leg on either side of Harry, sitting as close as possible to him. "I just don't get it, Harry. Ever since you came to the game night forever ago, you refused to leave my side. You always tried to take care of me and put me before yourself, even when I had nothing to offer back. You...."

Harry put his index finger in front of Louis' lips, bringing their foreheads together for a moment. "I think, sometimes, the universe puts someone in your life and you just know that you'll never be the same. You've been that person for me since I first saw you in English."

Louis positioned himself on his knees, throwing himself into Harry's arms as he wrapped his arms around his neck. "I used to be so afraid to commit to someone else after Clay, you know? It's like I would ask myself  _Is this normal? People are charming until they're not._ But you always changed that perspective for me and I fought against it. I know you may have done me slightly wrong during Spring Break but that was my fault too. No matter what you did, I fought against it. I pushed you away, made you confused, made you think you're doing something wrong.... but you never were. I was just broken. You couldn't have saved me. Only I could save me...." Louis breathed in before continuing. "And I'm ready. I feel strong, able. Will you be my boy-friend....my always?"

"Are you asking ME, Mr. Tomlinson?" Harry gasped, surprised. Louis nodded as a flirty smile appeared on his lips. "Well, how fast the night changes..." Harry retorted, kissing Louis' lips innocently. "Mine!"

"So that's a yes, then?" Louis giggled as Harry pulled him closer, pushing him down into the mattress peppering him with light kisses.

**~*~*~*~*~***

One Month Later

"Oh, look, there he is!" Zayn excitedly pointed down the field. "Looks so good in that uniform!'

"Hey, back off Malik. He's mine!" Harry playfully pushed him.

"Ugh, can it Styles. I meant it was a compliment. I meant he looks healthy.... though I am not denying he looks great from behind in those shorts. Doesn't he, Liam?"

"Sure does," Liam said playing along.

Harry glared at the both of them before watching Louis put his game face on for the match that was about to start. It would be the first of the season and to say he was nervous was an understatement.

"You two leave Harry alone and stop messing with him. He'll murder your asses before you can even say sorry," Bebe said slurping on her beer and patting Harry on the shoulder. "But give me some credit. I helped give that ass that oomph! Squats for days."

Louis turned around, spotting Harry and waved at him sweetly. Harry blushed and waved back.

Ed gave an  _aww_  as he wrapped his arms around a short brunette beside of him. Shawn, too, was much too interested in his date than the game, but they had only been in the talking phase and hoped to make her more invested as time went on.

As the clock began to wind down for the game to start, Louis wiped his brow and adjusted his socks. He could feel the anxiety pulsing through his veins, but he knew the minute the referee blew the whistle, it would transform into pure adrenaline.

"Louis, Lad!" Niall came running down the field. "You're going to do amazing!" He said hugging Louis tightly.

"Ni, you can't be on the field," Louis chuckled but hugged him back, nonetheless.

"I know, I know. I just wanted to say I'm proud of you and you deserve this! Just don't be afraid. Maisie and I are going to sit right beside Harry. Just look up at us for support!"

"I planned on it, Nialler. Now get your ass outta here!" Louis said shaking his head.

Niall did as instructed and made his way to the stands. "They're going to win!"

"But of course," Harry agreed.

Then it all went silent as the referee finally blew the whistle, sending both teams running down the field. It was 90 minutes of pure stress and worry, but at the end of it all, nobody was surprised when Louis took charge and coasted his teammates to victory.

After a victory dinner with the team and close friends, Louis requested that he and Harry have special time alone in his new single dorm; to which Harry had no objection to. Though they had been official for a good month, Louis stood went through periods of mistrust and depression, night terrors, and sometimes, letting his abnormal eating habits take a front seat.

He could say though, he was well on his way to recovery from both the trauma and the eating disorder. He had more good days than bad and that was all that mattered.

"So proud of you!" Harry squealed, picking him up and twirling him around. "I wanted to give you something.... I brought it to give you on Spring Break lightyears ago but...well....all the drama happened."

Harry sat him down on his bed before opening his closet and revealed a gift with a big lilac bow. Louis eyed him suspiciously, faintly remembering he did see this in his suitcase during Spring Break but didn't know it was for him.

"You kept it all this time?" Louis asked surprised.

"I did. Wanted to wait for the right time," Harry beamed. "Go ahead and open it babe!"

Harry watched as Louis untied the bow and picked at the tape that was stuck to the giftwrap. When the box was bare, he opened it up. Though the box was abnormally large, only an 8x10 frame was inside with bubble wrap. Louis turned the frame over to see a picture of them together. Louis was asleep on Harry's chest and Harry had the camera above them like a selfie.

"Aww, Harry. I love this picture but...."

"It's the moment I knew I fell in love with you," Harry pulled him closer to him. Louis melted into his embrace, putting his head on his shoulder.

_"The monsters always know where to find me. I hope you meant what you said earlier that you'd protect me from them...." He scooted closer to Harry, resting his head on Harry's torso. He traced the outline of the butterfly tattoo, unbeknownst to himself why he was being so receptive to someone else and allowing someone else into his fortress._

_He let out another squeaky yawn before Harry noticed his breathing transitioned from labored to calm and peaceful. The hand that that tracing the tattoo moments earlier was now clinging to Harry's side, putting small dents into the flesh that was on top of his ribcage._

_Harry didn't mind. He draped one arm lazily over Louis, stroking his hair. "Though I can't make the monsters disappear, I can make you feel safe. You're not a project though, don't think that. I've liked you for so long....goodnight, Lou."_

_Though he wasn't exactly comfortable, he ordered his body to remain still and not wiggle around. He didn't want to risk Louis waking up and getting back into his bed._

_He quietly reached for his phone, opening the camera app. He positioned the camera to a perfect angle before snapping a photo of Louis sleeping on his chest. Smiling, he stared at it for a second before changing it to his wallpaper._

_"I'm fucked" he laughed amongst himself._

Harry stroked his cheek tenderly, tracing an outline of Louis' strong cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. Louis responded by going into a trance like state, enjoying the small goosebumps he was feeling and the tranquility inside of him.

Louis propped up on his knees, molding himself into Harry so they were chest to chest. He used his hands to wrap his arms around his neck, kissing him gingerly.

He tugged at Harry's shirt. "Off!" He demanded in a sexy growl. Harry raised an eyebrow at him. Though they'd been dating awhile, nothing this intimate had happened, and he was okay with that.... but he wasn't going to disobey Louis; not when he's wanted this for a long time.

Harry eagerly threw his shirt on the ground, pulling Louis under his thighs to bring him closer to his body and plant delicate kisses along his collarbone and neck.

He hooked his fingers under Louis' after-game attire and brought it up over his head, admiring the piece of art beneath him. Skin and bones were replaced with gaunt like features. He smiled at himself when noticed that Louis didn't even flinch, too caught up in the moment to care. Or maybe he did care but he trusts Harry enough to know he loved him unconditionally.

He propped himself up on his elbows on either side of Louis, chest to chest. He moved his neck to one side, using his tongue to stroke a linear line down his body. Louis answered by entangling his hair into Harry's long curls, pressing him more into his skin. Harry began to nibble softly.

"I don't think I show you how much I value you," Louis growled, flipping them over and taking control.

Harry smirked up at him, putting his hands above his head in surrender. His entire body was given to Louis freely; he could do whatever he desired. To Harry, it would feel incredible no matter what.

"I love you, Harry, so much. You're so so beautiful,"

"I love you too, Lou. Want you to always know."

So, what if he wasn't done packing and the memories of his former life still lay in pieces. So, what if wilted flowers were still on the shelf along with candles, paintings, blankets, and pictures. So, what if he was making love to Harry for the first time in his old apartment where destruction had happened.

Memories can be replaced, just like objects. Niall got the apartment for Louis to be able to heal and work on himself, find inner peace, and have a serene mindset; and Louis willingly was able to take himself to a happy place. He just needed the strength to try.

Tonight, he did try. Tonight, he connected with Harry on a spiritual level and realized that all the past bullshit was just that and it did not have to haunt him forever. Tonight, he did not focus on himself hardly at all. He had a mission to make Harry feel loved, special, appreciated. He wanted him to feel all the love that he's been given for months now.

With tears dripping down his face, it's safe to say that Harry did feel loved.

"It's okay," Louis soothed him.

"I just love you so much," Harry said bringing their lips together, coupling their leg together. He used his foot to lightly paw at Louis feet.

"I love you so much," Louis said bopping his nose.

When Harry felt the same tears being reciprocated on his chest, he knew he meant it. He kissed the top of Louis' dainty head.

Life doesn't always give us a bed of roses or beautiful purple pansies to clutch onto. Sometimes, we have just what has been left from the beauty: and sometimes that may just be moldy water and crispy flowers siting in a vase. It is in that moment we must realize that the flowers are long gone and need to be buried, there is no bringing them back to life. That part of happiness is dead.

We must instead plant new seeds, new memories. We must take what is left of our dirt and put it into a new garden with nurturing love and patience, and if we can, someone who can help us provide that love for ourselves until we're able to again.

Louis looked up at him. His blue eyes were shining with tears falling from his waterline, watching as Harry's green eyes mirrored him. He reached up to kiss his lips, feeling the saline taste engulfing his taste buds.

"Forever, right?" He asked above a whisper.

"And always."

 

_**"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. It's what sunflowers do." – Helen Keller.** _

**_~*~*~*~*~*~_ **

**/Fin**

 

**< **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so very much for reading my story! I hope you've enjoyed it! I just wanted to share a tidbit. When I started writing it, I cannot tell you how cathartic it was for me to process my own abuse honestly. Of course it is still fiction, but, I allowed many of my own experiences guide this story. If you know someone suffering from any form of abuse: physical, emotional, financial, or mental, please encourage them to seek help. The more you are silent, the more power they have over you! 
> 
> <3
> 
> P.S. I did NOT write an epilogue when I first posted this on wattpad in early 2018 -but- I may write one now...not sure! Stayed tuned. <3


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